Advice on demo, please - pitchable? needs bridge?

[ideascapes]

P2P'ers, I'm hoping for some expert advice here. Below is a link to a "pre-demo"; I've included a draft lyric also. I'm thinking this is not a library track and am left wondering to whom I could pitch it, so I'd appreciate any ideas on that. Also, the tempo is pretty slow and even without a bridge and final chorus, it's clocking in at 3:20. Would you add a bridge (it's included in the lyric below for reference) or just have a short interlude then close with a chorus fade?Production-wise, I plan to finish the instrumentation myself, but hire a singer.I'd appreciate any and all comments on this. Thanks!Vince======================================http://www.broadjam.com/transmit/index. ... =======How Can There Be Love (When Your Love Walks Out)?Verse 13 AM and I'm standing at the open fridge Scanning leftovers from meals we shared If you were here, you'd say, "Close the door, you’ll let the cold out" But you're gone and I’m left—unpreparedPre-ChSo now I ask Over and over again ChorusShould I keep writing love songs that’ll never be heard? Is staring at the scrapbook totally absurd [Alternate line: Would you even listen, if I could find the words?]Can I still send you notes that beg to start anew? How can there be love when your love walks out on you? How can there be love…when my love walked out?Verse 2At night I roam this empty house from room to room And I see signs of you everywhereA photo here, earrings and a hair tie thereThey give me hope you’ll reappearPre-Ch/ChorusBridge [not recorded]In my heart, I know that I didn’t always treat you rightToo much time was spent on meIn my dreams, we’re looking into each other’s eyesOne day, maybe you’ll come back to see [stop]ChorusAnd I’ll keep writing love songs that’ll never be heard And staring at the scrapbook ‘til the photographs are blurredI’ll still leave you notes that beg to start anewHow can there be love when your love walks out on you?There can still be love...when my love walked out

[jonathanm]

Hey, Vince.You've got a good ballad started here that could go in the R&B direction. The rhythm track seems pretty well put together (nice job), and honestly, your voice is not a bad fit for the tune. The structure of the tune is nicely done, too. It gives tension in the verse that wells up into the choruses.The lyrics in the 2nd verse are just right on. Nice job.On the "needs-fixing-in-my-opinion" side of things:You might consider tightening up the core idea: that he's alone and that makes everything meaningless (love songs, note-writing, etc.). This basic premise seems to be weakened by the rhetorical nature of the questions asked ("Should I keep writing... Is staring...").You might get a stronger emotional response by making statements, such as: "But now I...keep writing love songs... and staring at the scrapbook... and writing notes... 'cause you know what they say is true: you're out of love when your love walks out on you." Food for thought.Speaking of food , while I think you nailed verse 2, verse 1 doesn't seem to work as well. It seems rather colloquial with it's references to "fridge" and "leftovers". You might consider going after another image that communicates the same "residue" of loneliness.Overall, this is one to keep working on; it's got a good destination ahead. Nice job, man.

[geo]

Hi Vince... while I'm by no means a pro I'll wade in Good start here my friend.... I can't decide if it's a touch slow... I'm thinking if you go R&B got some guy wailing it would work....Not liking the first verse .... maybe eating alone... no one across the table.... on an anniversary or something....I think maybe the chorus should be the same both times... your alt first chorusShould I keep writing love songs that’ll never be heard? Would you even listen, if I could find the words?Can I still send you notes that beg to start anew? How can there be love when your love walks out on you? How can there be love…when my love walked out?Verse 2 is nice...Bridge lyric looks cool except the 3rd line... line 1&2 you admit fault... line 4 you say come back and see... but in line 3 you're talking dreams... you need a "I'll change" line or something to tighten the focus of the bridge...Music is great... you always have big lifts in your choruses .....Good stuff!!Peace, Geo

[geo]

Had a couple of more listens....The verses give the "missing you" feeling.... chorus "you walked out"..... break "it's my fault"....... the overall story isn't clear.... I think with the set up of your verses and break the logical choice would be to address the chorus...ChorusShould I keep writing love songs that’ll never be heard? Would you even listen, if I could find the words?Can I still send you notes that beg to start anew? Can there be love when .......Can there be love…when .........I'm a little fried right now so I'm drawing a blank ...... but I would drop the "How"... If you tweak this up a bit it is very pitchable.... got the American Idol feel... big soaring ballad...Get to work... Peace, Geo

[ideascapes]

Jonathan and Geo,Thanks so much for taking the time to listen. Your feedback on the lyric was exactly what I was hoping for and verified a few of my doubts. I will definitely follow up on your great suggestions.J, your reference to food (for thought) was especially appropriate, as I believe Geo is a chef and I'm Italian, so eating is hugely important! Who knows, with a little Valpolicella or Chianti to accompany your comments, this could actually turn into a song!Thanks again--much appreciated.Vince

[devin]

Hey Vince!Your thoughts about a bridge are good...I was looking for it around the 2:50 mark, which could make the song a bit long. I haven't had any vocal tracks forwarded, so I'm not the best coach on this type of ballad (I like yours though!).I have noticed that dynamic variety is a good thing for most listings...and feedback I get on instrumental tunes also backs this up (most of the time). I'm not sure how to fit it all in while trying to land less than 3:30 to 4:00 though with a nice ballad like this.Good luck with it...post it up when you get ver2 ready!

[ideascapes]

Thanks Devin. I think I'll experiment with speeding it up a little so I can squeeze the bridge in without getting too drawn out. There's currently zero intro, so I can't cut any time on the front end.I've only been seriously trying to write songs with lyrics for about 18 months and still have a lot to learn. I have had a few forwards/placements with those, but the bar is much higher than with instrumentals. Listeners react so much more strongly to the sound of the vocal (and the lyric), even if the backing tracks are "perfect." It's a long journey...Vince

[cameron]

Vince,Musically I think this song is superb and I like the vocals and production. I hope you don't mind me saying it has a real Lionel Richie vibe with a little Phil Collins thrown in.Lyrically I think it needs some work, mostly to do more with the flow of some of the words than the sentiment. For example, the word "fridge" doesn't work well at the end of a line... too abrupt. I'm not a good enough lyricist to offer solid suggestions, but to me someone who is (like Claire Ulanoff on this forum) could do wonders with this song. Perhaps it's mostly the first verse, as Jonathan says, but I'm also not sure that "how can there be love when your love walks out on you" is compelling enough to stand as the lyrical hook. The sentiment is strong enough, just maybe it should be said in a different way. Again, I'm not competent enough to offer fixes.... I just know enough to be a pain in the ass.This could turn out excellent though. Musically it already is to me, so do keep at it.Cam

[teleblaster]

Can't add much to what has been said, and I'm certainly no pro. Sometimes my free advice is worth less than the cost of admisison....I really like this track; great job.The drum pattern seemed, well wrong to me at first listen. Sort of like a hard rock guy playing on a power pop ballad. After a 2nd listen I really like it -- it gives the track a unique feel. I think that it's the drum treatment that doesn't work for me. They came across smeared and squashed . I'd let 'em breath, especially the hi hat. You might consider using something closed in the verses, and then open it up for the chorus. By peeling back some of the compression you could really get the snare to pop ala Phil Collins to get some strength and power from the drums w/o walking on the rest of the track.Really cool tune, best of luck with this.

[billg]

Vince, I wish i could offer specific advice but a lot of time I just hear a song I like & the "critique" button shuts off. That's what happened with this, I just like it. Only after reading the other comments (hey, at least I'm honest) did I even notice there wasn't a bridge!