Advice on demo, please - pitchable? needs bridge?

[ideascapes]

Cam, the Lionel Richie/Phil Collins ref is interesting--puts me square in the '80's, but I don't mind. I don't even mind when people say there's something wrong, but don't know how to fix it. Seems a consensus that verse 1 lyrics and possibly the hook need to be reworked, so I'm all over that.tele, glad you commented on the drums as they've been just sitting there as a temp track. I'll probably hire a real drummer, once I decide on the exact direction for this song. You're comment will help me think that through.bill, appreciate you chiming in, even if just to say you like it.Thanks all!Vince

[kitz]

VinceMaybe just a couple of chords to open before the lyric. Just a thought.I like the "would you even listen line" period. It's far better IMO. As said before - 1st verse is a bit odd. Angle's good but phrasing is awkward and the idea you're conveying seems a bit abrupt.Work the lyric over again - and again - and again just keep after it. You'll conjure up some nuggets. The hook is not strong enough of an idea IMO. I have thought about it and have not come up with anything, but from what I've learned - you just have to keep at it. If there's something that doesn't fit JUST RIGHT you have to keep at it until you find that thing that makes sense and says it all. For me it's a long haul process but when you finally get it ... !!! I was working on 2 lines the other nite so intently that when I finally went to sleep it launched me into a wild dream. I got the lines in the next 2 days. (Quick for me).I could hear Cher doing something like this. I say that in a good way.I walked out on love when my love walked out on me. That's all I got for now...Good Luck,Kitz

[heinsite]

hi idea man--i absolutely hear more lionel richie, but i'm personally (don't listen, i don't get forwarded much...) but the frig thing just didn't work for me...actually immediately i thought, "standing on this bridge", ,,,,not like you're going to jump off or anything, but just pondering...i like the tune allot, and actually i would even like MORE of a lift in the chorus, which you can do no problem if you choose...on the bridge--wait, damn, i was NOT referencing the musical bridge up there, geeze-us, but i am now...i didn't notice that it didn't have one either, and don't think that it NEEDS one particularly, as the cool instrumental ending serves dual purposes, IMHO...nice tune, would like more chorus lift, and stay outta that frig...just my opinion...too serious a tune to be lookin' at leftovers, the extended metaphor, just not sure....all the best,warren

[cameron]

Dec 23, 2008, 7:39pm, heinsite wrote:hi idea man--nice tune, would like more chorus lift, and stay outta that frig...just my opinion...too serious a tune to be lookin' at leftoversall the best,warrenWarren, you crack me up! Funny... but true!Cam

[ideascapes]

Possible 1st verse rewrite, thanks to warren's input:3 AM, and I'm standing on the London BridgeTrying to decide if this song needs oneIf you were hear, you'd say, "I think the chorus needs more lift"But you're gone and I still catch your driftV>

[ideascapes]

Kitz, I missed your post this morning--sorry. Thanks so much for the advice. As I mentioned before, saying "don't like" and "isn't strong enough" are very useful comments to me--appreciate you taking the time.Here's hoping for a dream to solve this puzzle!V>

[jonathanm]

Dec 24, 2008, 2:27am, ideascapes wrote:3 AM, and I'm standing on the London BridgeTrying to decide if this song needs oneIf you were hear, you'd say, "I think the chorus needs more lift"But you're gone and I still catch your driftToo funny!