Work In Progress: "Castle"

[heckxx]

Hey all, I just finished up a rough version of one of my new songs...this is fairly rough, the vocals are not pitch corrected, its not mastered, there's a few weaker vocal spots that I hear, etc. But I just wanted to put it out there to get some opinions. I would appreciate any feedback/comments/suggestions! Thanks-Jeffhttp://soundclick.com/share?songid=7141089"Castle"You always smileBut deep behind those shades, there is no lightPretty angels stand before youThey follow you through the nightShe bleeds onto the pillowcaseIt flows out her eyesIt flows out her damaged heartIt flows out her mindAnd all you do is climb those stairsLight a cigarette, and smileYou stand on the towers above usNo one takes your sideYou break another spirit beneath usYou still wonder whyNo one takes your sideAnd all the friends you thought you madeThey poison you with poison bladesAnd all the hearts that you betrayedThey spit the blood upon your faceAnd all you do is climb those stairsLight a match and burn the stains you wearNo one takes your sideYour castle's burning downStill you wonder whyYour castle's burning downAnd they will open up your gatesThey will expose your cheating waysIts time to turn your face away

[audiorayne]

Hey Jeff, not a bad track! The production is pretty cool. I like the electronic stuff and the piano parts interspersed throughout. The lead in to the chorus is nice as well, as is the piano breakdown.Just a couple quick comments - I'd work on trying to offset the chorus vocals a bit from the rest of the track, maybe double them up or something, or use some different processing to give some more punch. Also, there's some tuning and pronunciation tweaks needed, but you're probably already on top of that. Good luck!-AR

[billg]

Hey Jeff, this is a really cool song, it reminds me a bit of the Honey Dogs which is one of my favs. My only nit is that sometimes the guitar (left channel) sounds too artificially distorted, that could just very well be my taste though. Good stuff!

[ideascapes]

Jeff,You really turn out the songs quickly! The instrumental tracks really shine, but serve to highlight some of the issues with the vocal that AR pointed out, which right now sounds like a guide track/overdub.I'm curious about your title--usually I'd expect it to appear more often in the lyric, but it doesn't show until near the end.Vince

[heckxx]

Dec 22, 2008, 3:26am, ideascapes wrote:Jeff,You really turn out the songs quickly! The instrumental tracks really shine, but serve to highlight some of the issues with the vocal that AR pointed out, which right now sounds like a guide track/overdub.I'm curious about your title--usually I'd expect it to appear more often in the lyric, but it doesn't show until near the end.VinceThanks...as far as the title's concerned, this song used to be called "Taking Your Side", which is obviously derived from the chorus. However, I also have a song in the works called "Lies (At the Table-side)" and I don't really like it when songs seem similar like that, I guess, lol.But really the title worked about because the Castle theme is expressed throughout the lyrics. The climbing the stairs and watching from the top of a tower. And also, the fact that everyone seems be against this one guy, it reminded me of the poor peasants versus the few rich knights who lived in the castle. The castle was designed to protect, yet the majority of the citizens live outside of it. These lyrics are based semi-fictitiously on this one guy I know from school who was this heavy party-er, took advantage of a lot of women (sexually), and he would always smile and be a nice guy to be around, but he just made so many enemies in the process. He would drink constantly, and it just seemed his morals were twisted. AND he got really good grades in school, which is unusual, lol. -Jeff

[geo]

Hey Jeff... cool tune.... really like the treatment.... Read your comments on the hook/title thing..... I would still change it.... maybe use (Castle) as the alt title here and leave the other as you wrote above.... and just make sure they are separated by a couple of tunes in the song order... Only issue is the descending melody in the chorus..... it doesn't give the chorus a lift so it doesn't stand out..... coupled with the title thing it has the effect of hiding the hook.... I think if you try a different melody that might help....Like the lyrics... good start!!Peace, Geo