JUMP RIGHT IN - Feedback?

[jwebbinspired]

Hello all,I had got this tune back the day before the Joe Nicolas deadline. I'd love any feedback you can offer. I have an arrangement with my demo guy on this song that if I need to make a lyric change I can do it for just a vocalist charge and he would eat all the other cost because it took him so long.This is the fastest song (tempo-wise) I've ever written. So my fingers are crossed. I feel pretty good about it, but I need some confirmation. I'm at that point in my career where I don't ever feel a song is finished. Andyhttp://andrewscottwills.com/jri.mp3“Jump Right In” By Andrew Scott Wills - ©2007I only made it one block ‘fore I stopped at the only red light in town,And in my rear view I caught glimpse of her coming after me in her night gown,I said look here babe this isn’t a life you’d want to know,But those blue eyes said, “I want to go”If your home can be the road and if your heart can be a stone,And chaos can be your friend,If you can sleep on a Buick bench seat, and never know when you’ll eat,By all means, girl, jump right in, By all means, jump right in,I flipped on the hazards as she said that she loved me so dearly,But I said "baby I see this written on the wall so clearly,”“This life I live is not the kind you’ve been looking for”But those blue eyes said “unlock the door”Well she climbed in so sure that I was the future,But I knew soon she would doubt,Cause what she wanted me to be I could never be,So I pulled over and let her out,

[rivercitymusic]

Andy,Is there a link to the demo? You guys are way up the ladder from me with regards to being able to read lyrics and give feedback. I gotta hear it. I'm weak that way. lolWill check back. Doc

[jwebbinspired]

Sorry about that Doc. I was testing your physic abilities. http://andrewscottwills.com/jri.mp3

[cjdenecia]

Dec 4, 2008, 11:55am, jwebbinspired wrote:Hello all,I had got this tune back the day before the Joe Nicolas deadline. I'd love any feedback you can offer. I have an arrangement with my demo guy on this song that if I need to make a lyric change I can do it for just a vocalist charge and he would eat all the other cost because it took him so long.This is the fastest song (tempo-wise) I've ever written. So my fingers are crossed. I feel pretty good about it, but I need some confirmation. I'm at that point in my career where I don't ever feel a song is finished. Andyhttp://andrewscottwills.com/jri.mp3“Jump Right In” By Andrew Scott Wills - ©2007I only made it one block ‘fore I stopped at the only red light in town,And in my rear view I caught glimpse of her coming after me in her night gown,I said look here babe this isn’t a life you’d want to know,But those blue eyes said, “I want to go”If your home can be the road and if your heart can be a stone,And chaos can be your friend,If you can sleep on a Buick bench seat, and never know when you’ll eat,By all means, girl, jump right in, By all means, jump right in,I flipped on the hazards as she said that she loved me so dearly,But I said "baby I see this written on the wall so clearly,”“This life I live is not the kind you’ve been looking for”But those blue eyes said “unlock the door”Well she climbed in so sure that I was the future,But I knew soon she would doubt,Cause what she wanted me to be I could never be,So I pulled over and let her out,I dunno andy .... for a demo, the bed is what I've learned to be typical of your stuff, set up and good to go - and the verse melody is engaging and the chorus lifts nicely but all in all, lyrically, I have some doubts man. I could go over all the lines that I think are sorta weak but really, that'd be a hack job on it ... it's just that all in all, I find the story a little bit weak and it doesn't really go anywhere and it certainly just jumps to it's final conclusion without so much as a hint towards how it got there ...so picking apart the lyric seems moot to me ... I think a storyline rewrite is actually in order before that ... there's some good lines to be sure, and some contrived sounding ones and a few actual clunkers (I never thought I'd hear a pure country singer say "chaos" to be honest)I don't go for it man. sorry. like the music and the melody but that's it for me.

[partyofone]

Hi Andy,I'm actually engaged by the story, but just reading the lyrics alone my mind begged the question as to why this woman was running after your character in the beginning. I wonder where she came from and I guess wanted a bit of context. Not sure how to pull that off though ha ha.HOWEVER, listening to the song that question didn't bother me as much. I think you have a strong melody and the demo sounds good. I think there is good pay off when the title line is delivered.Also, and this may be a PLUS, but I actually wanted to hear the chorus one more time at the end.Good luck!

[jwebbinspired]

Thanks guys. I wondered if not having more exposition would cause questions. But I kind of wanted to leave it up to the imagination how they knew each other. Is not a good idea?Andy

[cjdenecia]

Dec 5, 2008, 3:35pm, jwebbinspired wrote:Thanks guys. I wondered if not having more exposition would cause questions. But I kind of wanted to leave it up to the imagination how they knew each other. Is not a good idea?AndyI just can't get close to the characters ... they have little color ... and no story ... it's like clothes with no body in 'em ...