Longest Day (work in progress)

[billg]

Hey Tim, i think a good bass line would gel things & help clear up some of the rhythmic issues that others mentioned. this will be cool when it's finished!

[liamkelly]

Tim Good song! Lovely vocals and melody. Really enjoyed it.My two cents are: there's some dissonance to me between the guitar and the vocal melody on the words 'since' and 'meter' in the first verse. I think there's something out there.The first verse is twice as long as the second. I wondered if you'd thought about doing it the other way around. That whole 'get to the chorus' thing.Very hooky, Tim, and a really nice voice

[twilsbach]

Thanks Liam!Anyone else want to give a listen and commentary before I dig back in to this one after the quick holiday break?

[ciskokidd]

Hey Tim,I love the melodies especially in the pre-chorus and the hook of the chorus. The verse melody works fine for me as it's really the hook we want to remember most.My personal feeling is that the chorus loses it's drive after the first few lines. After a coupld of listens I believe you don't need to add anything beyond the "wait for you" refrains. I would just run through it twice and not come back to the title as your chorus ending. This would make your chorus a solid hook all the way through IMO.I haven't taken a good read at the lyrics yet, but I can comment on those a little later.But I must say this is a solid tune with possible hit potential. I'm reminded of Daughtry at his best.Hope this helps,Cisko

[ciskokidd]

Just had another comment to add to the chorus.The "longest day" at least for most people implies a messed up day that they would just as soon forget. Could it possibly be a different adjective to describe the day with a sense of hope - or maybe the title could be your refrain - Wait For You.Just a thought....Cisko

[deantaylor]

Tim,I really like your chorus lyric and the chorus melody seems good. I think it may really pop when you get it worked out musically with the instruments. Nice chorus lift. I really like the 'vivid fades ... ' and 'you make color appear ... ' lines. It is nice how that works. And in general, I like your phrasing in this lyric. It is interesting. Understandable, but a little different, it has it's own style .. that's good.Not sure what, but I think there might be something better for this line:....... Don't speak the language the others doMaybe along the same line, but .... This verse could probably be better if you can find a better rhyme:Don't know the place my feet are plantedgotta get 'em moving back to homeI set out to seek my fortuneThe only thing I found was Fool's GoldReally good song. Lot's of potential.DeanPS Oh yeah, on the storyline ... 3 days .. that's all the guy has been gone and he already knows that he's failed .. not really very long to 'seek my fortune' .. maybe 3 months??

[twilsbach]

Dec 2, 2008, 3:02am, deantaylor wrote:PS Oh yeah, on the storyline ... 3 days .. that's all the guy has been gone and he already knows that he's failed .. not really very long to 'seek my fortune' .. maybe 3 months??Thanks Dean,I was wondering if someone would mention that. I do need to address those two lines.You're the second person to mention the forced rhyme on Home/GoldHmmm....