back stabbin gossip hound..thanks all for the help

[zoom]

Heya Paulo... jumping on this one kind of late... This song has it's moments. I really like the guitar wales in the chorus... great sound! Also, the throwback to bands like the Violent Femmes was very cool to hear. Some of the rhymes are a little forced or cliche... "did I see" is a no-no for current writing styles, though for this piece it's ok. Rhyming rule with cool is a little corny too, but again it's ok as a lot of this song points to the 80's which was known for at least *some* musical cheese! I think some minor adjustments lyrically could punch this baby up a little bit. Cheers!

[ibanez468]

Hey Feak!Yeah, this is a catchy tune. You been workin' out over there huh? Can't comment on the lyrics. You know that ain't my department. But musically, I think you're in there. Yeah it might sound like it's from a different era or whatever, but it still sounds like you've nailed that time period down pretty good. I like it! Keep at it Feak!I-468

[feaker]

Zoom Yeah, I value your 2 cents bud. Late is good for me.The first day I joined taxi, I submitted three custom critiques. Each reply was in the flavor of "what planet are you from anyway?" By the way, thanks for the $60.Thought the theme was ok, but I knew the lyrics were lacking. I get this attitude lately when recording. It goes something like this. "I gotta make up the music, figure out a topic, write the lyrics, and sing the dam thing too" I need some help here. This is after knowing very well your stuff doesn't work in today's standards. Oh well, I think I add variety to the forum!!!!Thanks for your "always honest" help.IBYI'll keep shooting for the moon. Keeps the rust of the ole strings.Thanks for the helloPaul

[cjdenecia]

paul ... hi - I'm cj ...looking at this as a songwriting draft/demo only .... so couple your disclaimer on the vocals with that and I won't be saying jack about the vocal performance ....but - the lyrics are quite busy ... way too busy to my ear. I'd be a lot more in touch with this if you had gone with about half the lyrics ... dragged the lines out a bit instead of hitting each bit with a syllable ... it gets clumsy because of that. the flow is disturbing and that makes the actual lyrics stand out - and when they do, some of the shortcomings get right in your face ....of course, what I'm talking about is a full lyrical rewrite. you could keep the same content but you'd have to reword it entirely in such a fashion that you took up the same vocal space - but with half the actual words ...probably too much to ask.and maybe quite difficult to achieve if you have a story to tell that you think requires every word. but - the fact is, the vocals are what's coming at me first on this and they are not comfortable sounding ... and maybe a drastic change would be in order and could make the musical bed more dramatically appealing.the words themselves ... well ... I didn't actually get to the point where I was listening to them specifically cus that lack of flow hurt my focus on it ...ohhh and as somebody who has probably done a bit too much talking in some songs, I can safely say that you might ought to dump the spoken word lines ...pulling that off is an art. and few can do it.the basic premise of the chord structure is good - and I like how you move to the chorus ... it builds ... and how it goes back to the verse is even better ....and the C-section is a decent break musically.tho to be sure, the whole musical premise is quite 70's in a lot of ways ... maybe even early 80's rock ... not a lot of call for that - and to be sure, as far as retro sounds is concerned, it seems that early 80's guitar rock sound is the one era and style that doesn't seem to want to come back strong ... yet, even tho you say you're not lending a lot of style to the tune with the axe - only power chordage, it seems quite competent. drums and bass ... well ... it's a demo ... I dunno, you seem like you're having fun with the song and sometimes, that's the whole point isn't it? I'd go with that. if you find a female singer with some knads, try it. if you find a male singer who wants to give it a scream - try that ... if it moves forward, great, if it doesn't - what have you lost? you've gained some fun doing something that I'm gonna guess you don't do much anymore. but I would consider knocking the melody flow down to half it's lyrical cadence. if not all the way, at least in the verses ...good luck with it man.cj

[feaker]

Hi cj nice to meet youI have seen your comments on other posts and am very glad you visited here.I am just and old rocker who has found great fun in composing songs.Have only submitted one song so so far, but am having a blast making them.Fully retired so I can spend all day in the studio.About the vocal. My wife always teases me about my singing,(the lack of it) so when I am down in the basement and i am trying to develope a melody and lyrics, I sort of whisper into the mike. Otherwise she yells down and asks if I have taken ill. That is what you are hearing in the verse. Lots of folks think they sound alright, but I know better. I have friends that can really sing. I do ok on background harmonies only.For some reason I think I have to rhyme everything with a perfect cadence. It is in fact very busy. Not too much to ask for a lyrical overhaul. It needs it. The spoken words was going to be a guitar fill. I don't think I can shake the 70/80's influence. This type of music Is not in demand like you said, but I'm not pitching it anyway. I would like, however, to finish it up right.I like your pic. Looks like you are in an evaluation mode.Once again, thanks and I am looking forward to hearing some of you tunes.SincerelyPaul

[heinsite]

hey pablo--i like this as a tween tune, but a bit lengthy in this form, and i agree that 2 or 3 lines need trimming, but not amputation...LOL.. right off i thought the verbage/spoken thing didn't work....the production seems to be in analog, flat, etc. don't know if that's just where it is for now with you, but it lacks depth, and the bass, but more so EVERY track except maybe your vocal, seems WAY back there....don't have a clue why, that's just how it sounds to me...good to hear from you, and i'm with geo--FINISH IT MAN!! LOL.all the best,warren

[feaker]

Warren my good friendI know how busy you have been. Don't ever think you have to leave a comment.I guess I do everyting in analog. It sounded somewhat balanced in the studio, but I can hear the vox is too loud. I think if I did the EQ thing it might help. I don't think you know how limited I am in the tech department. Hey, I got more feedback with this not-so-hot-so tune than I deserve. (and by some great analysists including yourself)But guess what? I think my song has verses, chorus's, and a bridge. Those are components that were not present in my first songs 11 months ago. Ahhh progress.Heading out in a few minutes to visit the grandkids in Baton Rouge.Have a great turkey day and try to relax.Paul

[heinsite]

hey paul, and the structure i did NOT comment on, as yep, it's all there, like the sunrise in the morning, just took it for granted!and yeah, i'm relaxing TOO much at times re: music, but will get back in the swing soon, have several demos being worked on, one old one that will be an instrumental, and one "new" old one that will be jammed up a whole many notches.have a great turkey day yourself, just my kids wife and my older bro that has no place to go, so quite--and we don't have to clean the house as much!!xoxowh

[momof4]

i agree with the weirdness of the line "a little whisper did i see"...no one talks like that - it's not conversational...sounds like you wrote it like that just to make it rhyme, YKWIM?also, and this may totally just be ME, but the "thunder thighs" mention just sounds...i don't know...to a woman...HORRIBLE. having it in a song just totally turns me off - it sounds really offensive, even if it's sung from one girl to another. it's just such an awful term that is unfortunately a quality of so many women, witchy or awesome...so to say it in a song, in my opinion, will make you look like a male SOB to a bunch of females. maybe i'm wrong...but you might want to consider it. erin

[momof4]

p.s. i forgot to mention that i really like the way "back stabbin' gossip hound" sounds as a phrase...nice job! i'm a words person, and the phrase is just fun to say, IMO.