The Song I Didn't Write

[aubreyz]

Perry,Don't have time right now for a full review, but the from first read a few days ago-- that's a killer hook.Great to see you back!!! Aub

[aubreyz]

Perry,Had stuff to do-- but curiosity got me. I like the rewrite, mostly. The hook is stronger, the first verse sets up the chorus well. But a couple of things still bug me:Chorus: I didn't follow through 'cause I was so afraid to tryI don't think this line is any stronger than the original, in fact kind of like the original better because of the rule of three "somethings I didn't do" :The race I didn’t run, the fight I didn’t fightThe things I didn’t do cause I was so afraid to tryI also would consider changing "so" to "too" for the internal rhyme with "do" and more alliteration with "to try". 2nd verse-- I honestly don't think either of them knock it out of the park. The new one just seems kind of vague-- almost like a filler, not a twist on the story. Like the concept, but just think the execution could be stronger there. IMHO the song is strong enough to not settle for any weak spots.I have to say though--- that's a great opening line, and well worth repeating.I had a string of broken dreamsAnd a second hand guitarOverall -- very good song. Just my two cents on some possible improvements, but your actual mileage may vary Aub

[devin]

Great track...lyric, music, melody, performance.Just great you two!!

[perrysmith]

Oct 27, 2008, 8:27am, aubreyz wrote:Perry,Had stuff to do-- but curiosity got me. I like the rewrite, mostly. The hook is stronger, the first verse sets up the chorus well. But a couple of things still bug me:Chorus: I didn't follow through 'cause I was so afraid to tryI don't think this line is any stronger than the original, in fact kind of like the original better because of the rule of three "somethings I didn't do" :The race I didn’t run, the fight I didn’t fightThe things I didn’t do cause I was so afraid to tryI also would consider changing "so" to "too" for the internal rhyme with "do" and more alliteration with "to try". 2nd verse-- I honestly don't think either of them knock it out of the park. The new one just seems kind of vague-- almost like a filler, not a twist on the story. Like the concept, but just think the execution could be stronger there. IMHO the song is strong enough to not settle for any weak spots.I have to say though--- that's a great opening line, and well worth repeating.I had a string of broken dreamsAnd a second hand guitarOverall -- very good song. Just my two cents on some possible improvements, but your actual mileage may vary AubThanks, Aub. I originally went back and forth between "too" and "so" and my informal poll landed on "so" Re the "I didn't follow through" line--I get what you're saying, but we really wanted to keep focused on THIS missed opportunity as the race he did not run and the fight he did not fight (metaphors, of course), so it really is only "one" thing he did not do, but described in different ways. The lead in line is "to me she'll always be"--so, in fact, she is the race he didn't run, the fight he didn't fight. Could go either way, though.The verse starting with "I thought if I gave everything" is really the only explanation in the song for excatly why he did not follow through with her--he was afraid of "end[ing] up all alone" (the implication is that he might have experienced this before when he gave "everything" to someone). So I do not think of this verse as "filler" but as essential to the story. But, it is true that I did not give Claire a lot of room there -- maybe lengthening the verse makes sense, but the track was done and this is a "chorus-centric" song and I wanted to get back to it pretty quickly.Thanks for the detailed analysis. Man, we can sure think and over-think and under-think and, etc. this whole process, can't we? Perry

[perrysmith]

Thanks, Devin.

[sgs4u]

Welcome back Perry. I'm glad your back, because your songs are really good, people (including me) want you here. What happened sucked, for everyone involved. I promise not to go to any B-B-Qs with you, neither here, or at the Rally. Looking forward to meeting you. If you see me holding a roll of tape... remember there are probably a lot more people that would use it on me than you. The opening line of vs 1, is very fresh & inventive. But the chorus isn't all the way there yet. Granted, that's just my opinion. Aub's point that other group of 3 thing, is better in the first version, is something I also agree with. I'm still not sure that the verse's plot, is answered by the chorus all that well. Is the singer sorry that he didn't try harder? Is he upset that he did try? I'm not sure why he didn't get the girl. What did he do wrong? The 3rd verse didn't make it clearer to me. I was expecting that hopeful feeling that the 1st two verses created, to be answered in the chorus. The chorus' meaning seemed to be a surprising jolt, away from the plot line, instead of answering the question. I'd love to be wrong. Equating the girl I didn't get, with the song I didn't write, might not be a great hook for the average listener. It might only be a captivating hook for songwriters or industry insiders. So it'll likely get lots of attention. I just dunno if this subject as is, could get country music fans to request it from their radio stations, after they hear it the first time. Then again, another recording could change things everything, so who knows. again, Welcome Back, Perry. Oct 27, 2008, 7:40am, perrysmith wrote:Hey, ya'all--Yeah, I decided it was a good idea to take a forum "time out" for a while -- thought maybe the threat to capture me at the Road Rally and wrap me in duct tape might be a good indicator that my posting here was not a productive endeavor---lol. But I am here with a commitment to not go down certain paths with certain posters and I am sure all will be well

[ibanez468]

Beautiful work from the both of yous! Not a country listener, but this hits the mark IMO! Good luck with it! I'm sure the 2 of you will do well.I-468

[perrysmith]

Thanks for the listen Steve and Ibanez.

[cameron]

Oct 27, 2008, 9:25am, perrysmith wrote:Thanks for the detailed analysis. Man, we can sure think and over-think and under-think and, etc. this whole process, can't we? PerryExactly right. You can suck the life right out of it. You haven't done that here. The changes you two have made are all for the better. I wouldn't change a thing.Cam

[matthoggard]

Hey!Welcome back Perry.I agree with Cam. This is great work. If the exec's dont ask for any changes id pitch it as is.They will let you know if its "on target".You guys have done an inspirational job. Even a good song cant hurt from a rewrite.Very impressive and best of luck with it.M~