My Punk demo..... NEW VERSION UPLOADED!!!

[geo]

Hi guys....Just wrote this one its very rough.... even UNO couldn't help the voice much ..... looking mostly for song/arrangement critiques and possible production points..... but any comments welcomed ....Thanks for stopping by...GeoNew lyrics and link uploadedhttp://www.taximusic.com/download/171652/Love% ... II.mp3Love Song IIGeo 2008Sat down to write my girl a love songGrabbed my guitar and hit the bong The words just flowed from my penBut my label said go start all over againThere was a time you grabbed your guitar and wrote your girl a love songApparently now that’s all wrongNow you have to say you’re not gonna write a love songRight now I feel like King KongMy girl Faye wants a love songTold me to re-write her love songI told them just where they belongedThey thought I’d sell my soulWhen my label said that they guaranteed gold.There was a time you grabbed your guitar and wrote your girl a love songApparently now that’s all wrongNow you have to say you’re not gonna write a love songRight now I feel like King KongMy girl Faye wants a love songThere was a time you grabbed your guitar and wrote your girl a love songApparently now that’s all wrongNow you have to say you’re not gonna write a love songRight now I feel like King KongMy girl Faye wants a love songEverybody grab your guitar and right your girl a love songDon’t give a damn ‘bout right or wrongJust grab your guitar and write your girl a love songShout it out like King KongThe world could always use another love songThe world could always use another love song

[feaker]

Wild How did you do that to your voice? Fits the tune perfectly.I want to have this song for a "driving " (like in your car) tune. Reminds me of running on empty. Just gets you going.You might have set a record for most words in a song:)Really lkiked it bud.Nice workPaul

[geo]

Sept 25, 2008, 10:52am, feaker wrote:How did you do that to your voice? Fits the tune perfectly.LOL my wife said the same thing... that's just me... reaching for notes... reaching hard!!! I do write wordy lyrics!!Thanks Paul...Geo

[geo]

Hello?

[heinsite]

hi geo--i've learned long ago, (and partly from you) that if you try to help some folks on the lyrics, it's either a waste of time or the lyrics i suggest just aint no good!! either way, i like the tune, but i'll go just a step further than pablo--too many words. but that's an opinion from a total "taxi" failure...the best,warren

[geo]

Sept 26, 2008, 8:48pm, heinsite wrote:hi geo--i've learned long ago, (and partly from you) that if you try to help some folks on the lyrics, it's either a waste of time or the lyrics i suggest just aint no good!! either way, i like the tune, but i'll go just a step further than pablo--too many words. but that's an opinion from a total "taxi" failure...the best,warrenThen you should relearn.... lyric suggestions sometimes take awhile to sink in.... ...I write wordy songs.... it shall be my downfall Thanks for the listen..... Geo

[kg]

Hey, Geo. It's been a long time since I've given a critique, but I have a few minutes, so I hope you don't mind First let me ramble for a moment so that you understand where the critique is coming from. Punk music very generally = fast, hard music with abrupt chord changes, lo-fi sound, anarchist lyrics all displayed in short songs. New Wave generally equals the above minus the anarchist lyrics making it a little more accessible to the mainstream audience. Green Day did a great job of crossing the line between the two, but I digress. Anyway, that being said, I'm viewing your song through the new wave lens.I know you're looking for song/arrangement critiques and I'll get to that in a minute, but the lyrics can't be ignored. Way too contrived for a punk song. Maybe contrived isn't the exact word I'm looking for, but it feels like you were so stuck on the wrote my girl a love song idea that you could only get it out in one way. I think the idea is fine for punk/new wave, because it has that element of rebellion to it, so maybe it's a rework of the lyric that takes the striving element out of the song. The first couple lines are typical punk, but the melody/too many words as you get into the fourth and fifth lines throws the balance and pulse of your typical (read: fits well) punk rhythm off. Here's a lyric thought (notice the slight difference in meter:I tried to write my girl a love songFlowed like a hit right from the bongAll of these words came from my penAnd then my label said that everything's all wrongSo, you get where I'm going with this...I don't want to sit here and rewrite all the lyrics for you, but you might want to try the basic exercise of saying each thought you have in two or three entirely different ways until you crush all your thoughts into a less wordy, simpler line that delivers everything you're thinking.Onto arrangement...waaaaay too long for a punk song. Especially one that's mixing a straight up old school sound (and the production is fine for this) with a newer idea. Keep it simple. That's what punk music intentionally was at the heart of everything: a stripped down, simple response to the more complicated music at the time of it's birth. What I'm getting at here is verse chorus verse chorus tiny bridge chorus. My suggestion would be to cut it down a bit and work on the melody rhythm. I get where you're going with this, just needs some work on the lyric and the way it fits in. It feels too awkward as is.So let me just recap..Cool stuff: Vocal delivery is right on, feel/chord changes are straight-up punk, slightly old school with new wave lyric IDEA is coolNeeds work: arrangement via lyric and meter as well as exactly how the idea is expressed. Work on being brief with the words.

[Casey H]

Hi GeoI like the punk chord structure a la The Clash and the energy! You have something that could eventually be a punk replacement track for punk acts like Clash, Green Day, Sex Pistols, etc. The first thing I noticed when I read and listened was the lyric style was often at odds with punk music. A line like "Words flowed like poetry from my pen" just doesn't fit the genre. I also agree with Kelly's comments that shorter phrases would be better.I recently finished a punk style song and looking back, I may have made some similar mistakes. What I would do at this point is go and listen to some songs by punk bands like the ones I mentioned and others. Google the lyrics. See how you can mold your idea so that the lyrics are more in line with the writing style.When you are ready as far as the writing, don't forget how important the production will be as far as pitching this-- it's gotta really sound like a good replacement track for a punk band's song. If you can pull it off in your home studio, great (not saying you can't!!) but be open to the possibility that outside demo help might be warranted. You started something good here... take it to the finish line. Let me know if I can be of help in any way. Regards,Casey

[geo]

Hey kg and Casey.... thanks for stopping by and giving good critiques!! I'll preface my response with the back story on the song...This is one of the fastest rewrites I ever did.... the original song was going to be more of an Alt/Modern rock thing.... the solo break after the 2nd chorus to the beginning of the 3rd verse is out of the original song.... the verse melody was that breakdown right before the 3rd verse.... literally the moment I typed the last line of the song I played the little Clash thing on the guitar and off I went on the rewrite...... hence the name "Love Song II" So bearing that in mind both of your comments on the lyrics are right on.... they're transgenred ... think I made up a word!! .... but basically I already did a bit of what you guys suggest to get it to this point but see where I could go further.... I mean it's impossible to take a hit off the bong and sing this song!!! I too latched on to the Green Day angle and that's where I think I'll aim it style - wise... plus then I don't have to simplify the lyric too much, just shorten....There was a time you grabbed your guitar and wrote your girl a love songBut apparently now that’s all wrongYou have to say that you’re not gonna write her a love songI don’t think I’ll play alongMy girl wants me to write a love songI like that... cool.... I might address the break as well..... maybe I'll do two versions..... I like that idea.... one Alt/Modern.... one more Punk/New Wave....Thanks for the ideas guys.....Peace, Geo

[billg]

Like Casey, I think it has a Clash vibe. Music's real cool but the lyrics may be a little "stuffed to fit" if you know what I mean. Sometimes different phrasing can fix that too-