Just One More Day -- Taxi Co-Write!

[zoom]

Hey gang!So, Warren Hein and I teamed up to tackle one of his songs and put a little different spin on it. We took out the hammers and saws and rebuilt it better, stronger, faster... and now it's time to see what you think!Please note a couple of things before listening.... this IS NOT the final production by any means. This is what I would call a "fulll rough," meaning that all the parts are there, though performances and production may not be as perfect as needed for the final. Our plan at this moment is to farm this song out to a demo studio. So, VOICE, OVERALL PRODUCTION, and MIX will change somewhat.What we'd really like comments on are the following: SONG STRENGTH (minus production notes), INSTRUMENTATION, MELODIES, LYRICS, and OVERALL TONE and STYLE, etc.... along with any little tidbits you might wanna throw in too! With that, have at it! Lyrics below.... and I also put a link to Warren's original post below too if you're curious....http://www.taximusic.com/download/17184 ... Day.mp3and if you don't want to download, it's on my taxi page... just look for the right title! http://www.taxi.com/patellweinJust One More DayWords and Music by Warren Hein and Pat Ellwein ©2008I search your eyes but they’re like mirrorsThey don’t tell the truth we needIs there someone else? I can’t hear you please just speakWhen you say nothing, nothing’s heardYour silence hurts so muchWhere are your words?Chorus:I hope we’ll have tomorrowThere’s so much more to sayBefore we own this sorrowJust give us one more dayWon’t you stayJust one more dayShare the reasons for your sadnessSit down if just once morePlease don’t use those hidden meaningsWe’ve been down that road beforeDon’t let our picture fade to blackWe shared one heart so longCan’t we take it back?(Chorus)Bridge:Yeah we’ve got problemsWe’re not the only onesNow your bags are waiting at the doorWith all this frustrationBefore we come undoneOne more day could show the wayTo how we were before(Chorus)Okay, and as promised, here's Warren's original posthttp://taxi.proboards27.com/index.cgi?board=peer&action=display&thread=9088

[heinsite]

thanks pat, damn i forgot to tell you to post the orig, so folks would see/hear the difference when a musician gets a hold of a rough tune! but like usual, you're right on it!!wh

[zoom]

no problemo! Now if someone would actually post a critique......... you know it's Friday!!!

[sgs4u]

Sept 26, 2008, 1:42pm, zoom wrote:no problemo! Now if someone would actually post a critique......... you know it's Friday!!! Ok, I'll bite: Sure hope you all appreciate the time, but of course I learn just as much by reviewing as you do!I search your eyes but they’re like mirrors (metaphor meaning reflecting or glossy?)They don’t tell the truth we need (this doesn't answer why the eyes are like mirrors)Is there someone else? (this idea could use developing, but you don't mention it again)I can’t hear you please just speak When you say nothing, nothing’s heard (this is kinda redundant, sometimes I like repeating a thought, but this one didn't excite me)Your silence hurts so much (using "hurts," right after "heard" the line before, is confusing)Where are your words? ( I have a 3 year old, and that's not a conversational line I'd say to an adult, unless I was pissed off and sarcastic)There aren't many visual images here, it's mostly complaining about someone not talking enough yet, but nothing is helping me "see" the situation this verse seems to indicate a chorus that would be about SILENCE, not I hope we'll have tomorrow. Talk to me Baby, or some clear request for action because of what the verse stated, would make sense to me. chorus notes: I hope we'll have tomorrow, isn't a great line to hook a listener, Just one more day is kinda genericjust give us one more day, is directed at the other person in the relationship, but I stumbled over itthe chorus melody is fine for the lyrics, but if the lyrics change, find some really big vowels to hang on to. I'd try to re-write the verse lyrics into some clear pictures. I'd get the chorus lyric to be less picturesque, but something a little sideways from the verse. Find a line, that sounds cool. I had a page of Dylan lyrics open, because of something else I was writing today. here's an idea... What Good Am I? by DylanLook at how that phrase sets a tone that can answer your verse lyric concept. You won't talk to me in the verses, then in the choruseswell than, what Good Am I? something like that is needed for your song. The verses needs to set the stage, and the chorus needs to have a different reason to exist, not the exact same situation, and it ought to be a phrase that SOUNDS provocative. some guitars are out of tune and loose, especially the first climb into the chorus, drumming is pretty looseif you're gonna get a pro demo service, i'd just give them a piano (which is cool) and a vocal to run with. Especially if you've heard their stuff before, and you've heard them make the kind of song recording you want this one to be.song strength - 6 /10instrumentation 5 /10melodies 7/10lyrics 5/10overall tone 6/10

[jay10music]

ZOOM & WARREN.......Here I am boys.... The lonely Friday night dude at your service.. .Wife went shopping and I home writing but I will take the the time for u heavy dudes.. Just love the song....love the way the piano comes in in the beginnig...the guitar in the right pan...cool.....Love the other guitar in left pan...Bass sounds fine..Love the arrangment..But wow...when the Organ comes in ..Very nice ...reminds me of "THE BAND" ..Vocals Perfect.. Ending is fabulous....Zoomer & war....I can't wait to here the finished product... LOVE U DUDES.....R-MAN.... OH Shit...I forgot...all 10"s

[liamkelly]

Hey Guys Enjoyed this - thanks for posting.In terms of the feedback you're looking for, I had a small problem with the lyric at line 1 verse 2 'Share the reasons for your sadness'The emotional tone I got from this song was, basically, he's begging her to stay and she's already decided she's gone. Her eyes tell nothing (especially not the truth), she won't speak, her bags are packed, and at the door, there's frustration, she's used hidden meanings before etc. I didn't get 'sadness' from her. It's nits, I know.Enjoyed the track and, Pat, tight harmonies. Good job there And Warren.... plaintive lyrics. Nice. If plaintive can be 'nice' Liam

[billg]

Cool song! I'm not very good at picking out a lot of specific stuff to comment on. I tend to kinda hear everything in the "whole" or something . . . This song really kicks ass when the organ comes, very cool. However, I was wanting to hear it come in "big" a little earlier. When the drums come in after the intro it sounds to me like it should be stronger & more powerful. I really like the song & can't wait to hear it when it's finished.

[heinsite]

well gee folks, if zoom and heinsite only have this many comments, i guess everybody's HITCHHIKING to the rally, with no laptops even. that's cool, see you there!wh

[geo]

Hi guys....Cool tune.....I like Bills suggestion on making it bigger earlier.... first chorus.... maybe come back down for the verses....Please consider....I search your eyes but they’re like mirrorsThey don’t reflect the truth we needKinda ties in the mirror reference.....Really dig the chorus.... just want it to stand out musically more... organ on choruses as well maybe?The break lyric feels a little awkward.... "not conversational" might be the screener comment.....Overall I like the structure ... ending is good.....On listen 5 or 6..... really nice stuff to build on here... good work...Geo

[matthoggard]

Steve hit on all the lyrical things that could be tweaked. For me, the lyrical meter in the first verse feels a little disjointed. It doesnt flow very well. Could be sung so that there arent the long pauses between lines.I hear the guitar out of tune as well. Panned right, slight distortion. The chorus has a nice lift and I really like the use of the harmonies. Reminds of something Lennon/Mcartney. But again the meter doesnt feel right. Too much space between lines.The bridge feels too long to me. I think you could sum up this piece in just 3 or 4 lines. But the key change for the bridge is PERFECT!!My only production critique at this point is the out of tune guitar. Overall 8/10 IMLO. (In my lame opinion).Ready for the full version!!!M~