"Move On" -- Critique from Taxi

[remmet]

I submitted my song "Move On" for a custom critique and I'd love to hear any reactions from fellow forumites. www.richardemmet.com/MoveOn.mp3Here's the critique, with the lyrics (and proposed changes) posted below it:Overall comments: Richard, you have a very ambitious writing style with this track. I really like the transition into the chorus and the chorus itself. It feels like the verse progressions could be simplified a bit for better flow and better support of the hook theme and melody. The lyric change ideas are better but it feels like the lyric could have some more interesting surprises to draw out more emotion. "Time Is A Killer" stuck in my head for some reason. Some more drama or more about the conflict might keep the listener interest better. You've got something really unique here and with a little more clarity and flow I think this could be a knockout. Keep up the great work. Style: The arrangement and instrumentation could definitely use an upgrade, as you mentioned. The overall style has an 80's Pop Ballad feel and with more of a straight ahead drum accompaniment you could draw out some really strong dynamics to match the vocal performance better, a la Simply Red. I can hear this going in a Modern Soul route.Melody:The melody fits the ambitious arrangement well but makes it a little hard to sing along to with all the changes. Fun ideas but be clear about where you would like to place this track. Hard track to cover but could be a great original for an 80's soundtrack or the like.Structure:The arrangement is interesting and ambitious. Great hook idea and pre-chorus transitions. A more streamlined arrangement of the verses might give this better flow.Lyric:The lyric works but feels a little dated and familiar. Some more specifics about what really happened might create a stronger story arc and create a stronger emotional pull. Some more unique imagery or circumstances might be interesting to experiment with.Title:The title doesn't really grab me or make me eager to find out more. A stronger theme or metaphor might help. I like the "time" and "clock" imagery.Verse 1:Nothing's forever.We're never home free.We both know that something is changing,And rearranging what was you and me.Oh, oh, oh, oh.It feels like we're coming undone.You know we've had a good run.Now the end has begun.Chorus:It's time to move on my old friend, my loveWe can move on and just let it go.We'll remember the good times,and learn from the rest.It's all for the best.Let's move on.Verse 2:Time is love's friend. (Possible change to: "Time said we can.")But the killer of lust. (Possible change to: "And love said me must.")And as the clock slowly winds down, (And as the clock slowly wound down,)With barely a sound,Our forever turns to dust. (Our forever turned to dust.)Oh, oh, oh, oh.The days have passed us by.You know we really did try.Why does love have to die?ChorusChorus ending in "I wish you the best."

[davekershaw]

Hey Richard.Good, strong voice!Style/feel reminds me of Foreigner.The listener has given quite a thorough critique, and makes some good points. Ambitious pops up quite a bit, and nothing wrong with that!He/she is more qualified than me, so I'll just say I like the track and the production.Must say I like both sets of lyrics.Cheers,Dave.

[cameron]

Richard,I think the reviewer's comments were mostly right on. I like this song a lot, especially the chorus, but it might make it a bit more user friendly if the verses were simplified a tad. I could also see this having some life as a soul song.To me, this song is a knockout whether you make the changes or not. If Foreigner had released it it would be a classic now. Great work!Cameron

[louis2012]

That's a really nice song , some wonderful melody and changes going on there. The rhythm is very confusing though and detracts from the sweetness of the song. Love the Bvs on the chorus.I don't agree with what the screener said about the title, can someone honestly show me a song title that makes think 'I must find out more!'? Apart from maybe Tom Waits's 'What's he building in there?'Anyway, nice song!

[remmet]

Quote:The rhythm is very confusing though and detracts from the sweetness of the song. Love the Bvs on the chorus.Thanks. I'm curious what you meant about the rhythm being confusing. Did you mean the melody rhythm, or something else?And what is the "Bvs" on the chorus?Richard

[kg]

just popping in for the translation. BVs = Background vocals

[louis2012]

Sept 24, 2008, 10:27am, remmet wrote:Quote:The rhythm is very confusing though and detracts from the sweetness of the song. Love the Bvs on the chorus.Thanks. I'm curious what you meant about the rhythm being confusing. Did you mean the melody rhythm, or something else?And what is the "Bvs" on the chorus?Richard With your drums there is no snare pattern which means the rhythm never really establishes itself. This lessens the impact of the music in my opinion. A solid groove there would transform it and drive the emotion of your music to greater effect. Maybe its because I'm a drummer myself and would love to lay down some drums for that song, I really like it.

[heinsite]

hi richard,as you very well know both on the orig post and by PM, i believe this song is as close being ready for the high bars, as one can be. it is wonderful, well structured, melodic, and to set anybody's record straight, i before this tune have NEVER commented on one of your works (to my knowledge), i do NOT know you, you are NOT a friend of mine, etc.etc etc....but...i'm not a screener, or a custom critiquer. but I ADAMENTLY DISAGREE with the overall comments.this screener obviously can't sing along to the obvious melody here. too damned bad. he or she is wrong. "it's time to move on my old friend" just soars, and damn, i CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO HEARS THIS AS A GREAT TUNE!!i obviously have zero agenda here, no stake, nada--except i believe the reviewer, unless he/she was reviewing this for a master quality piece, is flat out wrong.yeah, we can talk about some mild drum stuff, we can talk about some ingenius rhythm being somehow "off", but IMHO that just doesn't fly--the abandonment of the "standard" HELPS MAKE THE SONG!!!!!submit it again to a listing, and see how close this critique is to what you get back--if it's real close, there is something smelling in denmark. then submit it again, hell it's only $5 a pop... THIS IS A GREAT SONG. period.again, this custom critique is missing the BIG picture of the melody, the song itself, i'm so sorry to say.al the best,warren heinsongwriter

[heinsite]

ps: stick to your orig. lyrics man!!wh

[cameron]

Warren - I didn't feel that the reviewer disliked the song at all... just mainly suggested that the verses could be a bit simpler. I'm not sure it matters all that much personally, but I can see what the reviewer is saying about the verses. You're absolutely right that is is about as good as songs get melodically though. I also agree with you that the lyrics don't need to change.Richard - Warren's right that this is just one review. I've had a reviewer comment on how nice a particular part of a song was and another reviewer say they didn't like the same part. I wish I had a song of my own this nice.Cam