"Move On" -- Critique from Taxi

[feaker]

RichardGreat range to your voice. Great song.This is a keeper!Paul

[geo]

Hi Richard.... great song.... I put my vote in for adding a little snare.... maybe just on the 4th beat in the verse.... regular 2/4 in the chorus....Great job, Geo

[maceman]

Hi richard,I agree it is a great song. Such a clear production, awesome arrangements, and what a voice!!!!I can see how the critique had a somewhat hard to follow arrangement noted, but who cares.... Geewhiz, Can we not have any originality anymore. I thought this song was so different from the norm, and yet it followed the important rules of songwriting, such as strong chorus hooks, well told story etc....If I was to critique anything at all in the negative(which i wouldn't) I would only say that perhaps some of the instruments are dated, but again- so what. Foreigner(as noted) does ring a bell here as well, and I think this is a strong style.Very enjoyable.Sorry, I know this doesn't help for getting it past taxi, but my guess is to maybe shake up the drums as geo mentioned and try a different screener.cheers,maceman

[remmet]

Thank you all for your comments and perspective. I'm in a partial state of uncertainty at the moment because of the conflicting messages between the Taxi critique which argues for simplifying the verses and enhancing the lyrics, and the forum comments which, by and large, suggest keeping things pretty much the same. My main dilemma is what to do with the 2nd verse. Am I the only one who cringes at the line "Time is love's friend, but the killer of lust."? To me it seems kind of crass and out of place. But others (okay, my girlfriend) said the line is honest. (I won't even ponder the implications of that! )Here's an alternate for the 2nd verse. Any thoughts?Time slowly killsTurns gold into rust And as the years slipped awayAnd led us astrayOur forever turned to dust.Regarding the arrangement, I agree that the guitars sound dated. They were done by me playing through my Roland VG-8, and I'm definitely not a pop guitarist type of player. So I'll certainly want to replace those parts.A fellow contributor to this thread volunteered to create a new drum part (and maybe a bass part to go with it), so I'm looking forward to hearing the results.Finally, the vocalist on this song wasn't me. It was a friend from Portland named Brent Rogers. Excellent singer, musician, and recording engineer. Way to go, Brent!!!Best to all of you.Richard

[geo]

I like the original line... it does have a certain amount of truth to it (been happily married 17 years)... I would stay with that.... and not change the verses too much... Geo

[remmet]

Sept 25, 2008, 10:13am, geo wrote:I like the original line... it does have a certain amount of truth to it (been happily married 17 years)... I would stay with that.... and not change the verses too much... GeoOkay, I think I've decided on some final minor changes to the 2nd verse:The comfort of timeIs the killer of lust.And as the clock slowly wound down (bad rhyme?)With barely a sound [or: We suddenly found]Our forever turned to dust.I'll probably change my mind again, but for now I think I can live with these changes.Richard