A Newbie Ventures In ... Be Kind!!

[timbehrens]

Hey Cyndy, Thanks for posting the lyrics.... really good stuff. Looking forward to seeing more.

[pugetsound73]

Your "taught me something" post was deleted?

[cyndy]

Hi Puget,Guess I shoulda sent you an explanation. Please forgive me. I'd had some problems with getting the "piece" to link correctly in order for it to play. Then, when I listened to it from the posting, it didn't play back well... wondered if it was the lo streaming.After your posting, I decided to remove the whole thing. But I appreciate your response!

[pugetsound73]

Not a problem. Just worried that it disappeared without you wanting it to. I think you're right about that lo-fi streaming too.Later...Me

[geo]

Hi Cyndy ... I outa genre (though I have been accused of putting country lyrics in rock songs ) but here's my two cents...Needs to be faster IMHO, you sing it well (and have a nice voice) but a few clicks on the tempo meter would make it more listen-able throughout and might make it a little easier to sing as well."This isn't really a verses/choruses song."True, it's more AABA, a favorite format of mine which works good for story telling but it needs a break (the B) where the music changes as well as the melody. The hook (Back away from the edge) should also be the last line of each verse (like the last verse). Depending on what you intend to do with the song it may be a touch long as well, you might trim about 45 secs or so.Now before you get all bummed out, don't. You actually have a good song here, the lyrics are well written (the verse about religion is great, as are the first two lines of the song) you use good imagery, just a little editing and arranging you'll be on your way. I offer two options for your consideration...1) If you want to keep the AABA format rework the verses to end in the hook line with a clear rhyming scheme:Remember the words that you hear in this songAnd know it's for you they were saidTake one more minute to ponder this thought"Please, back away from the edge"You used this in the last verse and it's a perfect example. You would want to change up the lead in for each verse (head, instead, ledge etc.). For the break section try...."Many everyday people have now reached the timeWhere they're standing with toes on a lineThey've tried looking left & they've tried looking rightBut nothing is all they can find"from the second verse. Then look at your verses and see if there are (gasp!) any lines you can trim to get the time down, tighten up the focus of the song.Or...2) Use...Remember the words that you hear in this songAnd know it's for you they were saidTake one more minute to ponder this thought"Please, back away from the edge"as a chorus, still use the other section as a break and shorten the verses to 6 lines maybe ( or 4 with a pre-chorus of 2).So, that's how I see it, like I said it's a good song but they seem to turn into works in progress sometimes but a strong lyric is important and you have that here I think.Then again "What do I know?" Good luck Cyndy, welcome aboard, post any rewrites if you make them .... Geo

[cyndy]

Hey Geo,Thank you for taking so much time to elaborate and to "let me inside your head." Your points are a classroom of their own. I'm grateful to be in this school with so many caring instructors! Since each of us has a different filter that we process everything through, I love to get the varied, individual viewpoints.Have a great weekend!