VER5 (the one we submitted) - for HOMELESS listing

[deantaylor]

You are awesome Vikki. Great feedback. I think I agree with you on 'frying in the sun' .. that hit me when I first heard it earlier today .. on the chorus, your comments seem reasonable, but .. I have listened too much today .. tomorrow .. Lee and I will listen with fresh ears. Thanks.Dean

[deantaylor]

Lee did a new version, VERSION 3.I don't think he saw Vikki's comments above, before he recorded this one, but he probably addressed a few of her concerns anyway. I think the vox are more powerful, more consistent, more emotion in them .. also he probably fixed any little pitch problems. The link in my first post now points to VERSION 3:Tell us what you think.Thanks, Dean

[lc]

Hey there Dean,Knowing that the deadline is so close, it's a little tough to give comments that might require any kind of heavy rewriting.I do agree with Hummingbird in that it does come across a touch too upbeat. The changes that you made sound good, but she brings up good points about how some words are sung and how they seem to uplift and be a little too "bright" rather than sound somber. I wish I had picked up on that earlier. The last time the way "Fragile" is sung in the chorus is the overall tone that I think should be aimed for. It sounds more sympathetic, introspective and, well...fragile. Try really envisioning the homeless. Put yourself in their place. Imagine how it would feel not knowing when your next meal was coming from with little to no shelter from the elements. The feeling that they are alone and forgotten. Remembering how their lives once were. Once you're in that kind of mindset and have those images in place, it might help color the vocals to reflect the mood of the lyrics. Thing is, that might also effect the instrumentation of the song as well; which might be tough considering the deadline.Best of luck to you both!

[deantaylor]

Thanks LC,We want your true honest feelings .. even if we don't have time to fix everything before this deadline .. there will be other deadlines later that we can fix things for. Also, appreciate your thoughts and Vikki's on how to get to the required mood.Dean

[geo]

Hey Dean, had a listen, the music does seem a touch upbeat but I think this could be addressed in the singers delivery....My only real issue is the repeating sections in the first two stanzas:VERSECracks start showing. Spots are getting weakFingers in the holes, some are bound to leakDanger, danger, warning lights flashDanger, danger, here comes the crashPRECHORUS 1Flashing, flashing, bright lights in your faceOne flash away from your darkest day (and you’re)I think it gets a little repitious when you factor in the "Fragile, Fragile" of the chorus, I think if you changed the prechorus line the others will be fine... or vice versa... good luck, Geo

[leejohnson]

Great comments all, thanks for listening. We'll try to infuse as many of these ideas as possible before submitting on Tuesday. We appreciate your thoughts, keep'm coming!!!Lee

[hummingbird]

Quote:Lee did a new version, VERSION 3.I don't think he saw Vikki's comments above, before he recorded this one, but he probably addressed a few of her concerns anyway. I think the vox are more powerful, more consistent, more emotion in them .. also he probably fixed any little pitch problems. All links now point to VERSION 3:http://www.broadjam.com/player/player.as....ionI NDEX=13888 Tell us what you think.Thanks, DeanThis is stronger, Dean. The mix is better but the lead vox could be moved back a notch - for film & tv you have to be able to turn everything down and still hear the music under the vocals. I think the vocals on this version are edgier. I would still argue that they could use a touch more reverb, but that could be me, the Reverb Queen. See what other's say. The bridge is the weakest part - I'd reduce the number of words there & make a real change in the vocal line - perhaps something more flowing. Or take the vocals out all together & put in a simple guitar solo.PS - that was a good comment about the 'flashing flashing' going into 'fragile fragile'

[deantaylor]

Thanks Geo,I see what you mean. We originally had a 5th chorus line in here. After removing that, I considered changing the last line of the verse, to only one DANGER, would that work for you, like this:Danger, danger, warning lights flashDANGER here comes the crashFlashing, flashing, bright lights in your faceOR THIS Danger, danger, warning lights flashDanger, danger, here comes the crashFLASHING bright lights in your faceThanks for the relisten, Vikki!Lee is taking all your comments very seriously and trying to figure out what to do in the few hours left.Dean

[billg]

Man, much better! Tightrope line works better now too. I disagree that more reverb is needed. The style to me leans more toward a Tom Petty kind of thing which usually means bone dry.

[keithl]

Quote:Lee is taking all your comments very seriously and trying to figure out what to do in the few hours left.Keep in mind that you do have until the 20th, so another full day is still "in the mix".I agree that it could be a bit too upbeat, but do what you can and let the ship sail!