Help me please

[diogenes]

heres a bit of a rough, all-up, mix of my newest song. It's called abandon ship and was inspired by some of the teen-pop stuff like Aly and Aj that my daughter listens to. Anyhow, I'm having a hard time with he choruses. I'd like to build them as they go and I'm not sure weather to add more instrumentation or harmony vocals or what. So, what do you think? I'd also take any "ala's" you might have as well. I'm thinking this could be maybe AAA Kelly Clarkson type of stuff, but I'm not a great judge at classification. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... tream=true

[geo]

Hey!!! Nice to hear from you again, I almost shit my self when your song started, I just recorded one with that muted guitar thing in the beginning, though yours sound excellent, mine amateurish, but at least I'm playing again.Songs sounds good, great production as always, could you post lyrics? The chorus does sound a little "dropped in", it'd be easier to pinpoint it with lyrics... Geo

[diogenes]

Hey Geo, great to hear from you. As soon as I wrap this up I'm gonna send you my thoughts on "Superstar", anyhoo, heres the lyrics,Sorry if I can’t recall your nameI was under the impressionIt was a meaningless exchangeNow your calling and I’m sitting throughThese awkward conversationsMaybe I should reassess my weekend plansAbandon ship, I think we’ve all gone overboardSave yourself, we’ll only take you downOh my head is splitting from the night beforeI forgot to mention, when we drink it poursTook all you had and still, coming back for moreAbandon ship, I think we’ve all gone overboardSave yourself, we’ll only take you downAbandon ship, I think we’ve all gone overboardSave yourself, we’ll only take you downAbandon ship, I think we’ve all gone overboardSave yourself, we’ll only take you downAbandon ship, I think we’ve all gone overboardSave yourself, we’ll only take you down

[arkjack]

I think the production and the parts are pretty solid. It feels to me a little awkward in the lyric. I can't make sense of it and I am not sure what you are singing about. ( I'll get really crude here if I'm not careful..... bcuz I have a song like it, that is about kinky stuff on a one night stand..... and I could almost read the same subject material into this....) I guess some other things that aren't hitting me right is the structure is very loose, which you can see just looking at the lyrics. The chorus is almost too short and actually like a pre-chorus. Also the shift from first person singular to plural is confusing. We'll only take you down... who is we? Production wise, a bridge with a guitar solo or synth, and someone yelling... 'abandon ship in an echo...'. As far as ala, nothing came to mind, but I'm limitde in what I know about current pop artistsJust my view. hope its helpfulArkJack

[lc]

I think adding more vocal over dubs during the later choruses would be great. Sounds like you start doing it in the last one.Maybe in the second chorus, have another voice repeat "Abandon ship" after the lead one finishes it. Same for "overboard"Then during the last chorus, do what you have already, but make it a little more prominent, and when you are doing the "save yourself" part, have the backing vocal repeat that too, like I mentioned earlier.Maybe something like this:save yourself............we'll only take you down.................save yourself we'll take you down <--harmonyAlso maybe adding another guitar to thicken and warm up the chorus might be a good idea. Maybe just have it playing straight chords. Nothing too in your face, just to help give the chorus some body. Also maybe adding something during that break before the last two choruses, so it won't just be the same muted guitar pattern. I heard a little guitar overdub there...maybe a little more of that.For some reason when you say "coming back for more" I want to hear "more" repeated again. coming back for more...more *two quick hits on the snare* then bam: Abandon ship...Hope all that made a lick of sense...I really enjoyed listening to this song! Definitely keep us up to date on its progress!

[diogenes]

Thanks for listening everybody, I really appreciate your suggestions. lc, I can't wait to try out your suggestions for the chorus, I think a staggered harmony might work really well!

[geo]

I think Arkjack hit it, try....Sorry if I can’t recall your nameI was under the impressionIt was a meaningless exchangeNow your calling and I’m sitting throughThese awkward conversationsMaybe I should reassess my weekend plans,Or should I Abandon ship, I think I’ve gone overboardSave yourself, I’ll only take you downMaybe tweak the verses to reflect the "I'm trouble, stay away" vibe and it should flow better and still incorporate the harmony suggestions... Nice job... Geo

[vicky]

hey there,very good song....my first comment is this style has itty bitty guitar hooks behind the vocal..., not just rhythm stuff....the comments about the vocal are good....you could try bringing the chorus on the repeat up a step at the end...let us know how it turns out...Vicky

[geo]

Quote:Hey Geo, great to hear from you. As soon as I wrap this up I'm gonna send you my thoughts on "Superstar", anyhoo, heres the lyrics,I'm redoing the back tracks this weekend, should have a new version soon, singer's having a little trouble with it... Geo

[exiled]

Great track! I think the chorus could be a little stronger, but I liked the song a lot. Congrats!Pablo