Lyric Deficiencies

[feaker]

This is one of the songs I submitted for a custom critique. Both the screener and myself do not like all the lyrics. They also noted that the "hook" was absent. This song got all 5's and 6's. They noted that the numbers could come up with a makeover. Any suggestions would be grealy appreciated. Thanks PaulHAPPINESSHappiness lies with those who’ve criedThose who’ve hurt… searched and triedMany trials have come alongTest your faith.. make you strong CHORUS (between each verse)I don’t ..need thingsTo make me smileBluebirds..kind wordsSit with you awhileHappiness is not a given thingGives you peace..lets you singMake a circle of special friendsThey’ll help and guide you until the endHappiness is having someone to loveConversations with the one aboveBe content…take it slowHelp someone…then you’ll knowhttp://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_id=94576&stream=1

[hummingbird]

I can't listen to the music right now, but two things jump out at me - first, the title. The title doesn't reach out and grab me, at all. Secondly, the lyric contradicts itself. It starts out talking about what happiness is (suffering, being tested, which makes you strong), and then chorus says 'I don't need things to make me smile'. In my dictionary, 'happiness' is directly related to things that make you smile. Altho the chorus says 'I don't need to sit with you awhile', the next verse talks about a circle of friends & the verse after that, about having someone to love.It seems to me that you have some good ideas here, but your problem may be that you have too many ideas. Either this is a song about faith making you strong; or it's a song about happiness being having a circle of friends & someone to love you. You need to decide what the song is about (in just 4 or 5 words) and everything in the lyric must point to that.I recommend going back to the thoughts & inspiration behind these lines:"Many trials have come alongTest your my faith.. make you me strong"Write the story that supports this. Tell me about the trials that honed you into who you are, how you struggled with doubt, how you were lifted. Be careful not to be too preachy, though. Amy Grant is a good example of songs along these lines.HTHHummin'bird

[feaker]

Wow. I am so lucky to get your response. I really struggle writing lyrics. I tried to get my wife to help, but she declined asking me "do you take interest in my HGTV"? LOLYour reply was one of logic that I have definitely ignored. Thanks again for the absolute truth.I don't know where I will get help with this, but I will find someone. Sincerely Paul

[Casey H]

Quote:This is one of the songs I submitted for a custom critique. Both the screener and myself do not like all the lyrics. They also noted that the "hook" was absent. This song got all 5's and 6's. They noted that the numbers could come up with a makeover. Any suggestions would be grealy appreciated. Thanks PaulHAPPINESSHappiness lies with those who’ve criedThose who’ve hurt… searched and triedMany trials have come alongTest your faith.. make you strong CHORUS (between each verse)I don’t ..need thingsTo make me smileBluebirds..kind wordsSit with you awhileHappiness is not a given thingGives you peace..lets you singMake a circle of special friendsThey’ll help and guide you until the endHappiness is having someone to loveConversations with the one aboveBe content…take it slowHelp someone…then you’ll knowhttp://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_id=94576&stream=1Pretty... The singer has a nice voice.This song, which is a nice start , needs to a "back to songwriting basics" re-work. Musically, the basic is the chorus has to be a hook that jumps out in a special way as opposed to the verse. The best test is to listen (and have others listen) without a lyric sheet (so as not to indentify the chorus). Can you HEAR where the chorus is? If not, it's not working. Don't feel bad. This is the biggest challenge we all face as songwriters. I'm always writing and then asking friends, "is the hook strong enough?"... Often, it's not...Lyrically, the chorus has to have a point, a message, or a statement- something clear to hang your hat on. I think you are trying to say you don't need MATERIAL things, just the simple things and to sit with this person you are talking to. If that is the case, then just say it! You'll find song reviewers are often saying that they don't know what a song is about. And when they ask you what it's about, they will say, "So why didn't you say that?".HTH Casey

[feaker]

Casey You are correct in that what I wanted to say is that material things don't count and that little things like bluebirds, kind words and sitting with a good friend are what make me happy.I also thought that by induring hardship would make it easier to find happiness. I understand now that the message is unclear.I am working with my 15 year old niece as my singer and all she says for a feed back is "kewl"? I also received some good amunition from Vikki. I am thrilled to get this helpand thank you so much for taking the time. sincerely Paul

[geo]

Hey Dude, had a quick listen, your chorus is more of a pre chorus, you need another stanza with the hook (Happiness) prominant, I'll listen again later... gotta go work, geo