Happy Breakup Song Critique ("You're Not The One")

[joshuaarmstrong]

I would appreciate some constructive feedback regarding the arrangement, performance, production and mix of my song, "You're Not the One." I think the song likely fits the Adult Contemporary/AAA genre.I'm in the process of refining the track with my producer and would appreciate your ideas for polishing it up. For instance, what do you think of where the drums fit in the mix? Does it need some strings (if so, where)? Does it have a strong enough hook? What about the quality of the vocal performance? Could you imagine hearing this song on the radio or soundtrack?The more detail the better. We appreciate your criticism/suggestions!DOWNLOAD the MP3 here:http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... wnload=1Or STREAM the Track here:http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... am=trueThe lyrics:You’re Not The OneCopyright © 2006 Joshua ArmstrongVerse 1:I’ll miss youI’ll miss your companyIt’s going to be hardTo see you with someone other than mePre-chorus:I looked for waysTo make us workBut I know deep insideThis will only hurtChorus:Oh oh please seeyou’re not right for meOh oh please seewe're not meant to beVerse 2:I tried to changeI hoped to reshape youIt breaks my heartTo repeat this goodbyePre-chorus:I'll try to be kindBut this message is clearI’m gonna speak my mindAnd face my fearPlease find love and forgivenessKnow that I tried my bestNow I long for the dayWe find separate happinessChorus:Oh oh please seeyou’re not right for meOh oh please seewe're not meant to beBridge: For me---not the oneRelease:Get yourself togetherGet yourself togetherWe will learn to liveWithout each otherRead all the pagesNot just the coverThere's a story insideTo be discoveredVerse 3:The puzzle takes shapeThe future looks newYou'll see in timeThere's someone better for youChorus:Oh oh please seeyou’re not right for meOh oh please seewe're not meant to be

[ciskokidd]

Hey Joshua,First of all your hook is great! That chorus really works for me!I'll have to qualify my statements knowing that you're an artist and so you can sort of get away with breaking some common foundations of songwriting, but I think you have a really strong song melodically and you should really think of making some changes if you want the song to be the best it can be.The first thing that sticks out to me is the uneven form of the song. For instance you have a longer pre-chorus before the second chorus and it really doesn't need to do that since what I really want to get back to is that hook! Also what you call the release is really your bridge (very hooky by the way) and I think the "bridge lyric" is not necessary. I would keep it instrumental until you hit the real bridge.The second thing I'll mention is the wordiness of the second pre-chorus. I would concentrate on getting that to match the cadence and lyrical form of the first pre. Right now it sounds like you're stumbling over the words and you really need to get us cleanly into that great chorus.From an arrangement standpoint I would not repeat the part that you call "release" and get rid of that last verse.a. not necessary for the concept of the song.b. it's condescending to tell her that she'll find someone new I would make a stop for a beat and then jump right back into that chorus. That will really make a dramatic statement. It's a great arrangement trick that the pros like to use.Overall the mix sounds pretty good to me. I would push the vocal up a bit more. You have a great voice and you have to be up front and personal!! On the performance side I think that getting your lyric straightened out will help tremendously. Remember that you have to make us believe what you are singing and tripping over the words takes your focus off of your performance and although you may get the notes right and the lyrics to jam in there, you will lose us as an audience.If you take the time and rework the song so that you can nail the performance, then the answer is YES! I can totally hear this song on the radio!!Best of luck and push yourself to make this one better. It's worth it!!Cisco

[ciskokidd]

One more thing......10 minutes later and I still can't get that chorus out of my head!!Cisco

[stansongman]

Hey Joshua, I love this melodically. I think there are some lyrical things worth looking at (sorry, I'm a country writer, we're lyric nazis . Your verse rhyme scheme isn't consistent. Verse 2 veers from your ABCB rhyme scheme for Verses 1 and 3. Similarly for pre-choruses. Maybe spend a little more time making everything nice and symmetrical. Listeners will notice it, even though they can't put their finger on it.Otherwise, I think you're on the way to a cool radio song. Good luck!

[stick]

Hey Joshua, Nice tune... though, I think Cisco and Stan are right on with their comments on the songwriting. I'll comment a little on the production/mix. First, having talked to you about where you're wanting to go as an artist (pop/rock radio), my comments will reflect how I think that translates to this song. Drums: They're a little indifferent to me. They aren't hitting hard enough to go one direction, and not soft enough to be "vibey". But, with the open hat in the choruses, it feels like it should be harder. And that would dictate where the rest of the production should go in my opinion. It almost gets big enough in the bridge, but I'd bring that energy into the choruses, and take the bridge up another notch. As it is, the whole track is very smooth... I'm not crazy about the guitars, generally. The the picking one on the left that comes in for the chorus is pretty cool, but the noodley one on the right isn't very "contemporary". I'd rather hear it all more rock, and less jazz. Vocals: in keeping with my other comments, I'd love to hear you dig in a little harder. When you open up in the pre-chorus and bridge it feels like you mean it. I'd be curious to know how you record... do you to a lot of takes and comp it together? Are you just punching on one track until it's good? Do you sing start to finish? I had to look at the lyrics of the chorus to understand what you were saying. Your flip up to falsetto is very cool, but you really have to make those words come through. Some of this could probably be accomplished in mixing... with compression and riding the vocal, but it'd be better if you just sang it with more conviction and clarity. And for this style, I'd love to hear some of the bigger parts stacked up with BGVs too. Obviously, you don't want it to become Backstreet Boys, but even doubling or tripling your lead and maybe one other harmony stacked up could be a good way to make the chorus/bridge pop out. Mixwise, as the other guys said, your vocal isn't taking control of the song. Maybe it doesn't need to be much louder, it just needs to cut through. Some of that has to do with the EQ of the rest of the track, some is compression on the vocal, etc. I'm not a fan of the big reverb in the choruses... I can appreciate what you were trying to do there, but I think it'd be more current sounding and less 80's if it was more subtle. Maybe a lofi delay would work better, or just doubling the vocal would be enough to make that change in vibe. And I sorta addressed the drums above... I think what's recorded could work, they would just have to be worked over to get a more compelling sound. There ya have it. My 1.3¢. Hope it's at least a little helpful.