good beginning..."Someone to Hold"

[tedsingingfox]

OK, even though the Rally's coming up next week (and this is one of the tunes I want to focus on AT the Rally), I'm going to ask for some feedback on this one.http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... stream=1It has never been forwarded, but even the rejections have been amazingly supportive, including a couple of 9's for the lyrics.Two rhythm guitar tracks and two vocal tracks. That's all. It's the words and melody and story I'm asking about. I've changed the lyrics a bit since we recorded this, but they're close.And BTW, the last verse is about the couple who inspired the entire song. True story... NEW lyrics:In a blue ruffled shirt and a pink boutonniere I took a deep breath before I asked her to danceWith less than a week left in our senior yearI was so scared to blow it, I tripped on my rented tux pantsShe giggled and smiled, then she offered her handI could not believe how she put me at easeHer head on my shoulder, my heart in her handsShe closed her eyes, I begged PLEASE...let her beSomeone to hold on the dance floorTo sway with me, stay with me forever, amenI want someone to hold on the dance floorFor more than one night, for the rest of my lifeIn a world without endWe both found summer jobs by the middle of JuneWe saved what we could, though the paychecks were smallA September wedding was coming up soonShe got a gown from the mall, I got strings of tin cansTied to the fender of my old red Trans AMBut OH, those two golden bands had no guaranteesHearts have their seasons, and sometimes they freezeThey say the thaw will come to us all By degreesNow I'm alone at the Sagebrush when a band starts to playCouples join hands as they head for the floorRhythm and affection on public displayAnd I watch from the sidelines like so many times beforeI look up to see this most elegant pairSmiling like the king and the queen of the promDressed up and graceful, with silver white hairSomebody's Grandad and GranmomRenewing my faith that Springtime will comeAnd the freeze will be over and done and I will findSomeone to hold on the dance floorTo sway with me, stay with me forever, amenI want someone to hold on the dance floorFor more than one night, for the rest of my life (X2)In a world without end (X4)I want someone to hold on the dance floor'Cause Love never grows old on the dance floor(OK, Ted, take a deep breath and post the link....) What? Me, nervous?Ted

[tedsingingfox]

ps. Thanks, Vikki, for the head's up. Let me know if it worked. K?Ted

[tedsingingfox]

OMG. I just clicked on the link to see if it worked, and there are some VERY ugly and (to my --the author's-- ears) painful glitches in the music. I'm so sorry for making y'all sit through that. I'll see what else I can come up with...Thanks for your patience.Ted

[Casey H]

Hi TedGreat jobs on the lyrics and story-telling. I don't know that much about the market for folk songs like this, but they have their niche out there.My only suggestion right now would be to shorten it a bit so you can get back to the chorus faster. It's a long way from the first to the second chorus and the song, at 4:42, could be trimmed. Are you open to being less faithful to your original story line? Maybe you could forget the freeze and just make it that you and her stayed happy together forever... You could then cut out:But OH, those two golden bands had no guaranteesHearts have their seasons, and sometimes they freezeThey say the thaw will come to us all By degreesNow I'm alone at the Sagebrush when a band starts to playCouples join hands as they head to the floorRhythm and affection on public displayAnd I watch from the sidelines like so many times beforeand go right from the Trans Am to the chorus again. Then you'd have to change the slant of that last verse about the elderly couple to be about you and her in a positive way-- maybe the two of you growing old together.Just some thoughts... I really liked it! There are some people here that write folk that you could probably collaborate with... See ya at the show Casey

[tedsingingfox]

Casey, thank you SO much for taking the time...Agreed...it's too long. I'm not sure I have any idea how to trim it down and stay true to it. (I'm somewhat emotionally involved in it and doubt I can be as objective as I ought.)I'd need to have somebody else sing the lead after the trimming job. C.U.N.A.Few... (wooHOO.)Thanks, again,Ted

[squidlips]

Hi Ted! No worries about the glitches from me anyway.....they were unexpected but I also know how it is when you're trying to get a working track. This is a nice folk song. Reminded me sound-wise of "I'm Easy" by Keith Carradine or even a little "American Pie" by Don McLean. I do understand you want the poignancy of seeing the couple together when you don't have someone. If you're seeking more longing, there could be a spot there where you take out the rhythmic strumming of the guitars and replace them with something softer. I really like your voice......you've got this cool retro Woody Guthrie thing goin'.

[jchitty]

Hey, Ted. Sorry my response was a little late, but I just now sent you a PM this morning.

[Casey H]

Quote:Casey, thank you SO much for taking the time...Agreed...it's too long. I'm not sure I have any idea how to trim it down and stay true to it. (I'm somewhat emotionally involved in it and doubt I can be as objective as I ought.)I'd need to have somebody else sing the lead after the trimming job. C.U.N.A.Few... (wooHOO.)Thanks, again,TedHey Ted...Didn't mean to be presumptuous by suggesting you change your story line. Sometimes an idea just hits me... I know how important it is to all of us, at times, to stay true to the real thing that inspired a song. There's a million ways to get things done, so if you need to shorten it, you'll find a way... Oh, and I will bring you the bill for replacing my blown headphones (those noise glitches fried them) when I see you in LA... Casey

[liamkelly]

Quote:OK, even though the Rally's coming up next week (and this is one of the tunes I want to focus on AT the Rally), I'm going to ask for some feedback on this one.http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... stream=1It has never been forwarded, but even the rejections have been amazingly supportive, including a couple of 9's for the lyrics.Two rhythm guitar tracks and two vocal tracks. That's all. It's the words and melody and story I'm asking about. I've changed the lyrics a bit since we recorded this, but they're close.And BTW, the last verse is about the couple who inspired the entire song. True story... NEW lyrics:In a blue ruffled shirt and a pink boutonniere I took a deep breath before I asked her to danceWith less than a week left in our senior yearI was so scared to blow it, I tripped on my rented tux pantsShe giggled and smile, then she offered her handI could not believe how she put me at easeHer head on my shoulders, my heart in her handsShe closed her eyes, I begged PLEASE...let her beSomeone to hold on the dance floorTo sway with me, stay with me forever, amenI want someone to hold on the dance floorFor more than one night, for the rest of my lifeIn a world without endWe both found summer jobs by the middle of JuneWe saved what we could, though the paychecks were smallA September wedding was coming up soonShe got a gown from the mall, I got strings of tin cansTied to the fender of my old red Trans AMBut OH, those two golden bands had no guaranteesHearts have their seasons, and sometimes they freezeThey say the thaw will come to us all By degreesNow I'm alone at the Sagebrush when a band starts to playCouples join hands as they head to the floorRhythm and affection on public displayAnd I watch from the sidelines like so many times beforeI look up to see this most elegant pairSmiling like the king and the queen of the promDressed up and graceful, with silver white hairSomebody's Grandad and GranmomRenewing my faith that Springtime will comeAnd the freeze will be over and done and I will findSomeone to hold on the dance floorto sway with me, stay with me forever, amenI want someone to hold on the dance floorFor more than one night, for the rest of my life (X2)In a world with out end (X4)I want someone to hold on the dance floor'Cause Love never grows old on the dance floor(OK, Ted, take a deep breath and post the link....) What? Me, nervous?TedTedI can't comment on the music - I'm afraid I know nothing about the genre But I thought the lyric was very good I'm not at all surprised you're getting 9s I sure am noticing some really good lyric writing around here Liam

[tedsingingfox]

Thanks to all of you for taking the time. And, once again, I apologize for those painful glitches. Casey, I may have a pair of earphhones I can bring you next week. Maybe.so grateful for your feedback. The reason I posted THIS tune was because I've NEVER really felt it was finished (or the best it could be). Many of the structural choices were made purely from a "hey-I've-never-tried-to-do-THAT-before" perspective. I'd still like it to be a little shorter.So, when you say get to the chorus quicker, do you mean shorten the two sections of the verse or simply repeat the chorus the second time sooner than I already do?Keep it coming. I can take it. Woody Guthrie? Have you lost your mind? My name has no right to be in the same sentence with his. But what an incredibly kind thing to say. Thanks, Squidie.