Did I miss the mark?

[michaeldean]

Hi fellow forum folks,I could sure use some help with this...I got a great idea for an uptempo country song a couple of years ago and it rattled around in my head until a few months ago when I finally finished it off. I just recorded a demo for it and was pretty excited about it... ...until I played it for my wife!Now, she's normally my biggest fan so, when I played this song for her and she had nothing nice to say about it, I was completely taken aback.I won't say what her specific complaint was (so as not to pre-bias the listener), but suffice to say she had a problem with some of the lyrics.Until then, I thought (naively?) that I had written a pretty catchy little ditty with some pretty cool metaphorical lyrics.Now I'm not so sure...As a songwriter, I'm fully aware of my intentions as I'm writing, so it's not always easy to guage how (or whether) those intentions are coming across to the listener.I sure would appreciate your listening to the song, and giving me your opinions.It's called "Like a train" and it's on my homepage athttp://www.taxi.com/michaeldeanProduction notes are always welcome, too, but bear in mind that this is a song pitch, not a library pitch (yeah, there's too much bass, and there's some phasing going on in the guitars...). The overall groove is what's all-important.

[elser]

I loved it. I really like the way you use your voice to do the 'traaaaain' and the 'moooan'. You should put up the lyrics, or maybe I just missed 'em on your homepage. One thing I know about my wife...I'll get one opinion if I ask her right when she gets home from work...and I'll get another a couple of hours later after a couple of beers. Could be just an emotional thang...ya know?

[rick]

It really helps if you post the lyrics.The melody of the chorus didn't stand out enough from the verse.I thought they were much to similar.The lyrics seemed pretty cool but I would like to study them a bit to give you a more informed critique.

[diogenes]

Well, nothing bad really jumps out at me. Sounds like a pretty good song. Definitely post the lyrics. And the 'traaaaaaain' is pretty cool.

[squidlips]

This would be a good Vince Gill tune. He could really bend that chorus and add some range to it, which is what it's missing, really.I think I understand why your wife didn't like it. We really don't find it attractive when men compare their love for us to machinery. A guy would like this song though......I mean, I don't know how much men are into love songs in country (I've met a few) but if they were, they'd like this song, probably. It's got a nice, shuffling V Gill type sound to it (I take it that's a Fender you're playing? Sounds great!)Rosemary Cash did "My Baby Thinks He's a Train" which was a hit from the standpoint of women seeing men comparing us to a huge hunk of steel and thinking it was going to be attractive while we thought it was.....ummm.....less than adult, shall we say? But it was a hit because it was a little shrug and wink to other women.Just my two cents.......

[hummingbird]

I like it. It's different. With the right setting, I could hear this working.In terms of the demo - bring your voice forward a little. Your vocals are fine & on pitch but I'd try doubling them to get more mass. Nice playing. (Just a note for the future - for a song pitch, any solo's should be short or non-existant.)H

[geo]

Hey Michael, I can totally relate to the feeling of silence from the #1 fan, the few times it has happened it gave me an uneasy feeling too!! Not a "country guy" but I liked the groove alot, it's a nice song and the lyrics seem cool, good job... Geo

[stkeb]

Hi MichaelDean -- well from a girl who has green eyes (literally, but only *sometimes* figuratively) - I think your wife may be concerned that you are looking at someone else besides her "Like a Train" (especially that moan part and getting her alone....oh my!). I like your song and voice - I definitely hear the Vince Gill thing. One suggestion I might have - is to go up on the first line and fourth line of your chorus. Sorry, don't know technically how to say that -- but when I was listening I just wanted it to go up higher in those places. Best of luck with your song! Tricia