Beaautiful simplicity

[carr]

This was gathering dust so I thought Id give it some air .I just discovered another version by Kip too.I really got to organise my files betterSound is on Songramp in my Private listening room Password is passwordhttp://www.songramp.com/homepage.php?userid=5151or http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInf ... ID=5204766One from my "introspective & Spiritual period"Beautiful simplicity © JohnWestwood APRA/ and partnerThis one is Stalled Work in progressI stood upon a mountain topdrinking in the viewWondering as I often dowhat it means to you(Lift)I wouldn't want to change a thingThink I'll stay and drink it in(Chorus)Beautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicityAs I watched my daughter breatheher first breath of lifeI was thinking what a miraclethen she opened her eyesI wouldn't want to change a thingI'm so blessed with what you bringBeautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicity(Instrumental)(Bridge)There nothing we could changewith our own handsto make this world more wonderfulthan the way you plannedBeautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicity

[hummingbird]

Hey Carr... there's a sweet feel to this and I really like the hook. I see that you feel this is 'stalled'. For me it's the lyrics that could maybe use some tweaking.I stood upon a mountain top drinking in the viewWondering as I often dowhat it means to you (okay, "you" has been introduced, and we expect the following line(s) to say something about the relationship between "I" and "you".... but instead... it goes back to "I".)(Lift)I wouldn't want to change a thing (we don't know what it is you don't want to change (also cliched))Think I'll stay and drink it in (the object of the sentence is "a thing" - you need to define the "it")(Chorus)Beautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicityAs I watched my daughter breatheher first breath of lifeI was thinking what a miraclethen she opened her eyes (this almost sounds as though you changed your mind when she opened her eyes)I wouldn't want to change a thingI'm so blessed with what you bring (who is "you")CH(Instrumental)(Bridge)There nothing we could change (who is "we"...you already have "change" in the prechorus)with our own handsto make this world more wonderfulthan the way you planned (who is "you")Now I wrote all this and I just realized that "you" is "You", meaning God, but still I think that you could make this lyric stronger. Phrases like "wondering as I often do", 'I was thinking" feel like passive statements. I wonder if you can go deeper. The lyric feels sort of... surface thoughts instead of inner connection to something larger then yourself.I hope my thoughts make some sense. Feel free to keep or sweep,warmlyHummin'bird

[carr]

Quote:Hey Carr... there's a sweet feel to this and I really like the hook. I see that you feel this is 'stalled'. For me it's the lyrics that could maybe use some tweaking.I stood upon a mountain top drinking in the viewWondering as I often dowhat it means to you (okay, "you" has been introduced, and we expect the following line(s) to say something about the relationship between "I" and "you".... but instead... it goes back to "I".)(Lift)I wouldn't want to change a thing (we don't know what it is you don't want to change (also cliched))Think I'll stay and drink it in (the object of the sentence is "a thing" - you need to define the "it")(Chorus)Beautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicityBeautiful simplicityAs I watched my daughter breatheher first breath of lifeI was thinking what a miraclethen she opened her eyes (this almost sounds as though you changed your mind when she opened her eyes)I wouldn't want to change a thingI'm so blessed with what you bring (who is "you")CH(Instrumental)(Bridge)There nothing we could change (who is "we"...you already have "change" in the prechorus)with our own handsto make this world more wonderfulthan the way you planned (who is "you")Now I wrote all this and I just realized that "you" is "You", meaning God, but still I think that you could make this lyric stronger. Phrases like "wondering as I often do", 'I was thinking" feel like passive statements. I wonder if you can go deeper. The lyric feels sort of... surface thoughts instead of inner connection to something larger then yourself.I hope my thoughts make some sense. Feel free to keep or sweep,warmlyHummin'bird It stalled cos my co writer went off line and we were working on possiby adding another verse and then I forgot all about it. This isnt a linear song . Rather a couple of rhetorical lyrical vignettes. I dont like the 3 ooooo sound sinthe first verse.Seems most folk like the simplicity of this.. My cowriter cam e back on lime earlier to day so maybe it wil get completed soon j.

[adrianne76]

I know that you're going for simplicity, but I think this song could be stronger if you varied the verses melodically so that every line (or almost every line) did not end on the same note. Try alternating each line or changing the chord every other line so it lends itself to a more diverse melody. Also, in my opinion, the chorus could be stronger if your first two lines said something different and then the last line summed up your sentiments by saying "beautiful simplicity."Just food for thought. Take it as you may. -Adrianne

[carr]

the melody in the verses can stand some tweaking bearing in mind this was the first run throughj