THREAD CLOSED: Song Feedback This Weekend

[Casey H]

Quote:Hey Casey! Can you please review Away From Here? Here are the lyrics:Why do I still worry,When will I see clear,Questions with no answers,All because of fear,Let me touch what`s mine again,I need something to hold,Until we stop this fighting,You know my passion won`t grow cold.So take me away from here,Take me where I can feel your love.I can`t break this silence,I just can`t break free,With two of me deep down inside,I dont know who to be,Everyday I live in hope,N` it`s hard but I`m trying,I never feel the way I look,You know my eyes are dry but I`m crying.ChorusEnd adlib: Away from here, Away from hereI know the bass sounds pretty bad and I will be changing the mix in different parts when I redo it but all criticism is welcome!Thanks Casey,Colm. Hi ColmI listened a few times. This song has a really good modern rock feel in the vein of many artists of the past 5-10 years. That's a good thing since replacement tracks for film/TV are a big market with many of the best opportunities there. I forgot to mention that production, engineering, and mixing are my weaker review areas so I won't attempt anything on that. The song melodically is well structured- it does a really good job of building into the chorus with a "lift" and the chorus is on higher notes than the verses which is always a good thing. It is catchy. The problem I see is the lyrics. The verses don't seem to say anything from which one can figure out what you are talking about. No story line comes through; it feels more like a bunch of phrases thrown together. I'm do not think (JMHO) that rock lyrics need as crystal clear of a story as (let's say) country. In fact, I think some reviewers over-analyze them. However, this one is just a little too cryptic. (I have a lot of early songs I wrote with similar issues).I think you strain a bit hitting the higher notes on the vocal. You need to work on that if you want to pitch, especially for film/TV.My advice, for what it's worth, is to do a major re-write on the verse lyrics. The "So take me away from here" first line of the chorus works well. I'm not as sold on the 2nd line of the chorus, "where I can feel your love", because it's a bit cliche and I think you can do better! This could be a place to add something more unique... the right phrase there could go a long way to make this one work.Don't forget, this is just one man's opinion... I hope it was helpful.Cheers Casey

[billg]

Hello Casey, I don't think you've reviewed any of my tunes on Bjam. Here goes, it's called Crown Of Thorns. Thanks, billghttp://www.billgaunce.com/song/0

[tuite]

Thanks Casey! I really aprreciate that! You have a few nice opinions and suggestions I haven`t eard before so I`ll take them into consideration! Thanks again!Colm.

[Casey H]

Quote:Hello Casey, I don't think you've reviewed any of my tunes on Bjam. Here goes, it's called Crown Of Thorns. Thanks, billghttp://www.billgaunce.com/song/0CROWN OF THORNSwords & music copyright 2001 Gaunce/MillerThe angel of good fortune has taken flightAnd left no forwarding addressThe paparazzi have all disappearedLike smoke from some ‘ol apparition’s cigaretteI’m a taker, not a giverAnd you’ve earned this crown of thornsLay me down by the riverYou make me wanna live foreverYour silver wings have rusted & oxidizedLike that crumpled old Buick that you used to driveAnd walking with mere mortals isn’t good for youYour choking on the atmosphere of humanness I’m a taker, not a giverAnd you’ve earned this crown of thornsLay me down by the riverYou make me wanna live foreverStand out of the light,‘till you get it just right -It’s alright , it’s alright nowSoloNow I’m a taker, not a giverAnd you’ve earned this crown of thornsLay me down by the riverYou make me wanna live forever Hi BillI hear a lot of Steve Forbet and Steve Miller Band in this. You have a very catchy song (catchy chorus, especially musically ) here that could work well as a replacement track for songs like that. I see your goal is more to market your own CD than to pitch your song to artists or film/TV. That gives you more freedom as far as lyrics. I am saying that because the lyrics here don't seem to come together and tell a cohesive story. As I mentioned before, I personally am not a stickler for this in rock music, but somewhere there is a line for which crossing can be an issue. If you pitched this as a SONG, my guess would be you would get the "I don't know what this song is about" comment. If you release a CD and people are buying it, than a lot of this may not matter.The first verse is fantastic!! .... Draws you in right away. But then it all seems to be lost lyrically. I like the fact that you get to the chorus at around 45 seconds into the song. But the transition is missing something to tie what's said in the verse to the chorus. I hate to advise delaying a chorus, but maybe a pre-chorus would be a good idea... or another verse line or 2 to bridge this lyrically. A good point of reference might be "The Joker" by The Steve Miller Band.... this song reminds me of that. When he gets to the chorus:Cause I'm a pickerI'm a grinnerI'm a loverAnd I'm a sinnerI play my music in the sun you pretty much understand how he got there.Also, I am a bit confused by the chorus:I’m a taker, not a giverAnd you’ve earned this crown of thornsLay me down by the riverYou make me wanna live forever The "crown of thorns" line is great but I can't figure out if you are saying something negative or positive about the person. They have earned a crown of thorns (negative) but make you want to live forever (positive)...So, I hear a lot of really good things. Everything depends on your goals and what style you want. It you are marketing yourself as an artist and this is the lyrical style you are comfortable with, you don't really need to do anything. If you want to improve on the songwriting itself, my suggestion would be to think about some re-write on the lyrics.BTW, I have quite a few songs of my own with similar issues. If it was easy, they all would be re-written by now. I hope this was helpful...Best Regards,Casey

[Casey H]

Quote:Hey Casey,You've given me lots of good input in the past--- thought I might pick your brain (and others too) on something still very much on the drawing board.Here's the story -- Ponch and I have formed a solid collaboration team with 2 goals. 1- to produce a variety of music for placements (I haven't really been pursuing that whole heartedly yet, but that will soon change- it's time).2- producing a concept album/project as a duo, Karma Suit. We're targeting the AAA market with a lean toward indie alternative. The last two song demos produced (Anywhere and Between Up and Down) are the lighter side of that target. The "sound" we're going for is something like the Fray or Snow Patrol meets the Flaming Lips, Radiohead, and the new My Chemical Romance stuff. A touch of retro, a little industrial, quirky somewhat theatrical elements...All that to say, the album is being written around a theme which will intertwine and connect the songs in a somewhat ambiguous storyline--- More like a Falkner run on stream of consciousness sentence than a detailed plot... if that makes any sense.Here's the title song -- raw first draft, scratch piano and vocals only. Imagine the final production like Bohemian Rhapsody meets the Lips Yeah Yeah Yeah song.As of yet, there have been no rewrites or serious arranging-- I thought it might be interesting to get some feedback on something raw and unproduced.The Maze (Scratch 1) Lyrics:Am I awake or am I sleepingIt's hard to tell the difference anymoreI was counting sheepbut now I think they're plotting things against meThey're coming to take me awayThey're coming to take me... away from myselfWhen I was a little boyI misplaced my favorite toyCouldn't find the nerve to look under my bedNow they say I am a manbut I still can't find the planHiding somewhere in these mazes in my headThey're coming to take me awayThey're coming to take me awayClosed my eyes on the roller coaster ridebut the gravity of the situationExceeded all my expectationsRan to the fun house to ease my mindSomewhere in the smoke and mirrorsI got lost and could not clearlySee the way out anymore (he's just a sheep who's lost his way)Somebody please show me the door (he's just a creep who really should be locked away)They're coming to take me awayThey're coming to take me... away from myselfLiving here inside the mazeEvery turn is just a phaseTo go through until you finally reach the dead endAnd they come and take you awayWasn't he a good boyAlways ate his vegetablesWasn't he a nice manDoesn't he look naturalWe can hardly bear to stand here in the buffet lineI will not go quietlyI'm not gonna lay down and dieGo ahead take your best shot at meI'll leave you in a dazeIf you try to find me here in the mazeAm I awake or am I sleepingThey're coming to take me awayThey're coming to take me... away from myselfHi AubI am not all that familiar off the top of my head with some of the bands you mentioned except Queen, of course. I do check out the sounds of those bands when I am looking for replacement tracks but they unfortunately they don't stick in my head.I am glad you mentioned Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" because that is what I hear all the way. This is a case where how it is produced or even rough-demo'd is a big factor. As is, I can't hear it as anything but Queen. Subject wise, there are only a few acts who might pull a song with these lyrics off. Maybe some of those bands you referenced can... I don't know enough.If you are making a CD you can be very experimental, of course. And you did say it might be part of a "concept" CD, so it's hard to see how it fits there without the rest... There is a touch of show-tune feel in it... If you want to pitch just this song for placements, I'd suggest going all out, production-wise, as a replacement track for a single act such as Queen. Vocally, these songs are challenging... you may not want to hear this but you and your partner should bring in other session vocalists to do it. Make it kick butt!One of the really good things about today's film/TV market is songs that used to be cast away as "too dated" are often in demand. I am not calling your song "dated" in a negative way!I wish you the best with your project! Warm regards,Casey

[Casey H]

Just a note that this thread is now closed to new submissions for review... Casey

[billg]

Thanks Casey, I understand your points. The biggest problem I think is the way I changed lyrical gears. The first two verses are auto-biographical, you know, the old "my life sure is on the skids & isn't what it used to be" sort of thing & then switch up in the chorus singing to (my wife actually) who's earned "the crown of thorns" for putting up with me & is really the only thing that keeps me going. I have a tough time keeping conversational w/out getting corny so a lot of times I try to go the other more "poetic" route and things just end up confusing. It's like you said, if I could have figured out how to fix it it would have been done long ago! Thanks once again for your time, much appreciated! - billg

[billg]

Casey, you mentioned Steve Forbert - I opened for him in the 70's when he was promoting Romeo's Song which I think was his first single (off the Jack Rabbit Slim lp if I recall). I didn't know who he was when I got the gig. The first show I get to the club early & everyone is setting up etc. & I end up playing pinball for a couple of hours with this really nice guy, we hit it off & had a good time. After a while he ask what I was doing there & I replied "I 'm opening here tonight for some guy named Steve Forbert or something like that." Well you might have guessed who my pinball buddy was. He thought it was funny, I just felt like a jack-ass. - billg