feedback on composition appreciated :)

[hummingbird]

Hi - here's a rough cut idea of a song I wrote last year. Mix needs some work & I have more ideas for atmospheric stuff. Lyrics by Mike & me, music/arrangement by moi. Let me know what you think of the potential for film & tv given the right setting/production. The Man in the Moonhttp://www.vikkiflawith.com/song/4[vs 1]On a cold, cloudless night,the full moon is rising.Frozen trees sparkle in the moonlight, creating a powerful illusion[vs 2]silver shimmers on the snowour shadows are stretchingdizzy feet sliding as they gospinning a marvelous delusion [lift] look up, up, up – oh! There he is again...[ch]The Man in the Moonround and wide;The Man in the Moonbeams with pride;reminding us of innocence,reminding us to take a chance-'cause he's always on our side,oh, The Man in the Moon[vs 3]skating, catching rosy dreamsyour sweet lips are frosty;clasping hands, dancing in the moonbeams,we share a magical confusion.[lift] look up, up, up - oh! There he is again...REPEAT CHORUS[bridge]people say, it can’t be true,how can a man live in the moon?-but we’re so glad he’s smiling down-raining kisses all around….REPEAT CHORUS[tag]look up, up, up – oh! There he is again…The Man in the Moon(c) 2006, M.J. Kavanagh & V.L. Flawith (Socan, Ascap)

[dgolding]

Hi Vikki,Another interesting composition Some of this tune I really like, but some sounds a little disjointed to me. The start is cool, but the 4th line in the verses just seem to be at odds with the flow. It almost sounds like someone has take a lyric, and tried to make it fit a tune.Having said that, the rest of it is very good, I'm not crazy about the lead guitar fills, but as a guitarist, i'm allowed to be picky Nice work

[hummingbird]

Quote:Hi Vikki,Another interesting composition Some of this tune I really like, but some sounds a little disjointed to me. The start is cool, but the 4th line in the verses just seem to be at odds with the flow. It almost sounds like someone has take a lyric, and tried to make it fit a tune.Having said that, the rest of it is very good, I'm not crazy about the lead guitar fills, but as a guitarist, i'm allowed to be picky Nice work Thanks for that feedback. I agree, the verses need to flow more & have more character. I wasn't sure about the guitar solo either -- I was looking for more of a dixielandish jazzy feel, and the guitar solo seems a little Hawaiian to me. Glad you agree. I appreciate the listen & the comments as I know it needs work but am not always sure where to start,cheersHummin'bird

[jeffe]

I agree with previous comments about the verses (and the bridge). It seemed like you were unsure when you were singing them. Maybe you'd only sung it a few times, and hadn't really put down a concrete shape. I think you already said that.One extra thing I'll add though. The key change didn't sound right for the song to me. I think it should stay in the same key throughout.Hey, but that's my personal opinion

[johnnydean1]

As usual Vikki your voice is wonderful.(that's the good bit) The opening chord's take me straight to Randy Newman but then it seems to lose direction.The backing track sounds like keyboard preset and I thought you had long left that behind so I am assuming you programmed the drums which sound awful and distracting. The rhythm guitar sounds like a keyboard preset but I don't think it is which is even worse if it's a real guitar.The lead gtr is OK ish.The melody rambles on the verse but I like the hook.I like the lyric very descriptive and emotive.If this were tidied up and demoed better it has definate KD Lang potential.$10 please.

[hummingbird]

Hey - as I said, this is just a worktape to try out the song as a composition. Rhythm & lead guitarist is alive. It was put together last fall (afore I got the new tools) but I just decided to resurrect it. Thought it would be good to get some feedback before even trying to produce something more effective.Looks like everyone pretty much agrees the verse melody could be tighter, but the lyric & chorus & vocals are pretty good. Thanks for all the feedback, I'll work on it!!Oh goody, new age k.d. lang -- I think I can do that !!cheersHummin'bird

[mhoffman]

You've got a very good voice. It sounds like you're trying to go a little vodeville here, which will work after the song is crystalized. I can also see this song taking a Squirrel Nut Zippers / No Doubt musical turn. That's probably my own muse taking off with the song. I look forward to an update! -Matthew

[dgolding]

Vikkie's voice reminds me of early Kate Bush. Very distinctive, very musical and very versatile.

[apjc10]

this is so far from anything I would ever recreationally listen to but...there was definitely somethiing intriguing about it. The lyrics are very abstract to me (which is def. not a bad thing). I could hear this in a soundtrack without a doubt.I think that the spoken prechorus breaks the flow though...one piece of criticism. Very original.God bless

[liamkelly]

VickyRight... firstly, I'm not qualified to criticise anything. But here's my thoughts. Your question was 'Let me know what you think of the potential for film & tv given the right setting/production'.To answer simply - yes. There are many settings for this type of female contemporary swing. Forgive the description.What does it need?Well, you know as well as the rest of us. It needs a jazz/swing drummer, it needs a mix!! and before all that, it needs production. You need to sit with someone you trust and let them tell you which verses to drop, which solos to keep, which choruses to repeat etc. Someone you trust. It needs tidying and mixing is all.For my money (and this is miles away from my genre) two things struck me as things you should milk. One - the first half of the chorus is an attractive hook. The outro should repeat these ad infinitum. A hook is a hook.Second - you have a tremendous (and enviable) control and release of vocal tremolo. When you unwind that trem do it when there's not much going on instrumentally so we can all hear the warble. It has its place, no doubt, but despite what they say about prod/mixing not being important in demos, I think it needs both.I must warn you that I know nothing. Less than nothing. Sorry if I've come over bossy.Liam Kellywww.liamkellylive.com