Would love some feedback

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mrtomcat
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Would love some feedback

Post by mrtomcat » Wed Jan 17, 2007 11:39 pm

I just joined Taxi a week ago so it'll be interesting to see what the responses are. Note: I played and sang everything myself on all my songs and I am NOT a singer. I am desperately looking for a good singer that fits my music to work with in order to present it better. Thanks in advanceSong is: All of my Lifehttp://www.broadjam.com/artists/artistindex.as ... Lyrics:All of my Life(Words and Music by Thomas Hornig)©2003 by Thomas Hornig. All Rights Reserved.Verse:California, look me in the eyesYou have cheated me to my surpriseI’ve been dreaming all along the wayBut you just looked awayVerse:Now I’m asking was it all a lieFeeling restless just from wondering whyNeed some answers, need em really badSo reach inside my headChorus:All of my life, whispers from youThat I heard inside my solitudeNow I know how much it meantWhile still standing with my empty handsVerse:Any day now everything is setWatch the water and its silhouetteFeel the breeze that’s running through my hairHow do I wish I could just give inChorus:All of my life, whispers from youThat I heard inside my solitudeNow I know how much it meantWhile still standing with my empty handsChorus:All of those dreams fading awayHow I wish that I could make em stayEvery thought that comes across Just reminds me of this endless lossBridge:Feel a thought reach down to meTurn my head so I can seeFeel the urge to linger on And for now I stand up strongSolo, chorus, chorus

arkjack
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Re: Would love some feedback

Post by arkjack » Thu Jan 18, 2007 3:05 pm

The required disclaimer from Sec. 6 Para b III of the critique code : the ideas expressed herein may actually be coming from a guy who has no f***ing idea what he's talking about.... My remarks may not be applicable depending on your target... I kind of go by the nashville rules.... which seem to apply in LA pop but not so much in alt rock.... urban..1. Time to first line of verse.... 10 sec.. good! time to first line of chorus 50 sec bad....2. Hook is in first line of chorus and only appears 2 times in the song before the chorus repeats... one chorus does not use it at all.... try to get more mention of the title... and at the end line... consider prechorus as a device...3. You should have more of a lift into the chorus.... and it feels like the chorus needs more variation... melodically and rhythmic... has "sameness" Typically you want the tension of an active chord... usually the V...4. this is the biggie... I can't figure out what this song is about..... the lyrics make sense to you, but I can't come up with an specific emotion or idea except maybe "hindsight". This to me is one of the acid tests for a well written song, if someone like myself can't tell you back in one sentence what this song is about, what the central idea is, and what emotion is involved... how is the average joe listener going to be able to? it needs development to get to that point... example: see thread on disecting a hit.... the Kelly Clarkson song is about about dumping a boyfriend and the feeling of freedom in ending a relationship ...relief that its over....... or Alan Jackson's Drive (for Daddy Gene)... you can summarize the song story in a sentence and name the emotion.... plus the strong imagery.... 5. 5:02 is long. If you are selling the song, you don't necessarily need the fluff. The solos, and harmonies. add that in earlier and shorten the tune.... the extra repeats of the chorus don't add anything except arranging... If you are pitching yourself as an artist, or the recording for film TV, then the extra stuff can be in.... but I would have maybe a long version and short version.... 6. Your voice is not bad. you are on pitch most of the time... like me you tend to lay down the track in the wrong key and try to do a vocal under stresss... I haven't yet broken that habit myself.... One mentor told me that I should play practice tracks in all twelve keys, use my capo, and listen back to find which key sounds best for the song.... it sounds time consuming, but I'm starting to delve into it.... That's enough brutality for now,.... remember, I have yet to get a forward myself... these points are the same things I've been focused on in re-writing my songs... hopefully this is helpful and saves you some time...Happy creating.... ArkJack

mrtomcat
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Re: Would love some feedback

Post by mrtomcat » Thu Jan 18, 2007 3:49 pm

thanks for the feedback, much appreciated. Odd about not understanding the lyrics, I actually find these quite straight forward, but that might be because I wrote em...:) about a guy reflecting on his life, dealing with empty promises, being ready to quit but not quite yet ready to throw in the towel. I like to pull the Damien Rice card here as I call it....9 Crimes, big hit, great song, but can anyone tell me what the lyrics are about and what the 9 crimes are?My main goal is to be placed in Film/tv and as an artist would be even better, maybe if I can find a good singer that will be a possibility, so from that level I take your comment as a mission accomplished, I have other songs that fall more under the shorter version categories. very good advise on the recording in different keys, I have started doing so over the last few weeks and have made some interesting discoveries on where my voice sounds better and hits the notes better. again thanks and good luck as wellthomas

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