If You Could Feel My Pain - Review Requested

[aubreyz]

It's been a while since I posted anything for review. I've spent a lot of time in the songwriting woodshed. This is my latest effort as both an artist and songwriter. It's a one take scratch vocal and what I call a "faders up" mix, so there are some known issues with the vocal performance and mix, but it should be good enough to get the idea. I plan to cut real vocals and mix tomorrow. I would appreciate any insight on the lyrics and instrumentation (there are a few lyrical changes I intend to make, but thought I would post the first draft to get some feedback)btw - Broadjam is being very slow activating for some reason, so this is a 128k Soundclick version for now.If You Could Feel My PainI see in your eyesYou want to love meI feel in your touchYou want to save me from myselfYou try your best to beThe Messiah that I needThere's not a lot of me worth savingIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painStop asking me whyThat I'm so quietI'm screaming insidebut there's no right words to explainMy Daddy taught meHow to take it like a manIf it doesn't show you don't have to say itIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painYou don't want to put your trust in meI will let you down eventuallyAnd every time that I fall downSomeone else is not around that I needI was only playingWith those matchesDidn't really mean to burnAnything downThere's nothing left herebut the ashes of a dreamInside I still can feel it burningIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my pain

[michael11]

Quote:It's been a while since I posted anything for review. I've spent a lot of time in the songwriting woodshed. This is my latest effort as both an artist and songwriter. It's a one take scratch vocal and what I call a "faders up" mix, so there are some known issues with the vocal performance and mix, but it should be good enough to get the idea. I plan to cut real vocals and mix tomorrow. I would appreciate any insight on the lyrics and instrumentation (there are a few lyrical changes I intend to make, but thought I would post the first draft to get some feedback)btw - Broadjam is being very slow activating for some reason, so this is a 128k Soundclick version for now.If You Could Feel My PainI see in your eyesYou want to love meI feel in your touchYou want to save me from myselfYou try your best to beThe Messiah that I needThere's not a lot of me worth savingIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painStop asking me whyThat I'm so quietI'm screaming insidebut there's no right words to explainMy Daddy taught meHow to take it like a manIf it doesn't show you don't have to say itIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painYou don't want to put your trust in meI will let you down eventuallyAnd every time that I fall downSomeone else is not around that I needI was only playingWith those matchesDidn't really mean to burnAnything downThere's nothing left herebut the ashes of a dreamInside I still can feel it burningIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painWouldn't play Aub!I will try again later.Mick.

[aubreyz]

Quote:Wouldn't play Aub!I will try again later.Mick.hmmm... maybe a popup blocker --- try www.soundclick.com/aubdelane and then select If you could feel my pain, or you might try:http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemus ... 4599Thanks for trying,Aub

[michael11]

Quote:Quote:Wouldn't play Aub!I will try again later.Mick.hmmm... maybe a popup blocker --- try www.soundclick.com/aubdelane and then select If you could feel my pain, or you might try:http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemus ... 4599Thanks for trying,AubGot It.Great song.I hear light Metal,Aerosmith or maybe even darker.You wanna get this one out there Aub,it is very very very good!!! Mick.

[bc]

Hi Aub,At first I felt the chorus arrived too soon, and without enough lift to get the sectional contrast that pop radio requires. However, as the mood matured the changes had an interesting flow with subtle yet undeniable power. Make your lyric tweaks, master this puppy and submit it to appropriate film/tv listings. To my ears it's not a radio song, but rather a killer mood setter in a dark film. Think cinema, master appropriately and you'll be cashing a check in about two or three years bc

[Casey H]

Quote:If You Could Feel My PainI see in your eyesYou want to love meI feel in your touchYou want to save me from myselfYou try your best to beThe Messiah that I needThere's not a lot of me worth savingIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painStop asking me whyThat I'm so quietI'm screaming insidebut there's no right words to explainMy Daddy taught meHow to take it like a manIf it doesn't show you don't have to say itIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painYou don't want to put your trust in meI will let you down eventuallyAnd every time that I fall downSomeone else is not around that I needI was only playingWith those matchesDidn't really mean to burnAnything downThere's nothing left herebut the ashes of a dreamInside I still can feel it burningIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn awayI'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painHi AubI like the dark vibe and the "if you could feel my pain" tag line and song concept. Here are some thoughts:It needs to be trimmed down from 5 minutes. Right now it is way too long. Some of the breaks between sections seem long.The chorus might be better shortened a bit, but maybe doing a longer one at the end. You don't have to repeat "If you could feel my pain" twice in the first choruses.You may want to consider toning down the self-deprecating nature of the overall lyric. Too much of that makes a song much harder to place. I would try to get the point across that you are telling her to stay away and about the pain you are in without necessarily calling yourself a "freak show of a man". Often, it's good to write a song from the heart and then tune it for the masses even if it stays less true to your original storyline. I also think the lyrics need to be a bit more focused- they seem to drift around a bit to different common expressions, possibly thrown in during early writing sessions?, but I am not sure they keep the central thought together.JMHO after a few listens, and take all comments from all sources with a grain of salt... Weed out those that don't form a pattern from a lot of sources and those that just plain don't work for you (after sleeping on them for a while)... Best regards,Casey

[aubreyz]

First of all, thanks for the input. I should also acknowledge Andre's helpful insight as well, though it's been off forum. Here's the latest version. It's a little shorter, I tweaked some lyrics and recut the vocals. The mix is still not very polished, but it's getting there. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated.btw-(The self deprecating observation is valid, but for the genre calling oneself freak, weirdo, loser etc. is not that unusual, so I went with my gut at the risk of limiting some placement options)www.soundclick.com/aubdelanehttp://www. ... D=594599If You Could Feel My PainI see in your eyesYou want to love meI feel in your touchYou want to save me from myselfYou believe you're meant to beThe Messiah for my needsBut there's not a lot of me worth savingIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn away'Cause I'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painStop asking me whyI am so quietI'm screaming insideThere are no right words to explainMy Daddy taught meHow to take it like a manIf it doesn't show you don't have to say itIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn away'Cause I'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my painIf you could feel my painYou don't want to put your trust in meI will let you down eventuallyAnd every time that I fall downSomeone else is not around that I needI was only playingWith those matchesI didn't mean to lightThe fire that burned up all the yearsThere's nothing left to seeBut the ashes of a dreamInside I still can feel it ragingIf you could feel my painWould you look at me the sameIf you could hear my tortured thoughtsWould you have to turn away'Cause I'm a freak show of a manAnd you would know how weak I amIf you could feel my pain

[pogodog]

Aub, First a thought - do with it what you will.If you could be my painWould your pleasure be my shameIf you could write my tortured thoughtsWould you .......If you could be my pain - WOULD YOU ?Now, on to the compliments I truly love the darkness in both your melody and voice. Your pain is completely visible and wonderfully audibly throughout the story. Though I'm not completely convinced that the lyrics are carrying their weight. They say they are but I'm a bit suspicious. They're not on level with the vocal and musical production. and they were just plain up to no good when they set fire to the bridge, honestly that whole mess playing with matches thing caught me off guard, the saddest thing of all is - They burned the only way back to your chorus. (Easily fixed , call an engineer- Build a new bridge/refrain ?) "SORRY if i fumble " - as hard as i try Not to flip flop between pro's and con's i always do exactly that.. so, without further confusion i will close by saying ...good luck I'm no sadist but i am willing to watch you suffer for arts sake... and I look forward to your next painful installment.Oh Yeah, Might wanna trim 'er down a tad more. Otherwise you'll be selling theater tickets instead of Cd's With admiration,RanG Modified ( with a strike-out ) for fear i'v offended.

[Casey H]

Hi Aub Yeah, I realized after I wrote that comment about the self-deprecating lyric, that my comment might be off-base for the genre. I like the trimming you did... It's getting there! Lyrically, the bridge could probably use some less cliche lines. I think it might be more effective if you eliminated verse 3 and came out of the bridge right into the breakdown chorus. I would do this by taking the best lyrics from verse 3 and putting them in the bridge. Your verse 3 ideas could make good bridge material, especially the last 2 lines, since they introduce another angle/twist on the story. Regarding genre and placement, in rock music, acts write their own material, so film/TV is the only real target. So, if you get a well produced, dark, metal track together, you could pitch it where appropriate (e.g. replacement tracks).Aub, what is your actual goal? Are you looking to be a performer? A non-performing songwriter? This is always important to know when reviewing material. When ready, if you want to make this film/TV pitchable, one of the things I would do is hire a metal-style vocalist to give it the genre punch it will need. I hope that doesn't offend you, it's not meant that way. That's why I asked what your goal was.Anyway, I hope all this is coming off as constructive and is helpful.Warm regards, Casey

[gitarrero]

Hi Aub,I liked the mood of song, it is also sung well for the style.a few comments to the music:* the noise-sample in the beginning is quite irritating - imaginge if your track got sended over TV or Radio, the built-in limiter in the station will bring that sample even louder - I would replace it with a less critical sample.* the drums (ride in the 2nd verse for example, toms) sounds programmed and too mechanical and thin to me.the rest sounds quite good, well done!cheers,Martin