If You Could Feel My Pain - Review Requested

[aubreyz]

Quote:Hi Aub Yeah, I realized after I wrote that comment about the self-deprecating lyric, that my comment might be off-base for the genre. I like the trimming you did... It's getting there! Lyrically, the bridge could probably use some less cliche lines. I think it might be more effective if you eliminated verse 3 and came out of the bridge right into the breakdown chorus. I would do this by taking the best lyrics from verse 3 and putting them in the bridge. Your verse 3 ideas could make good bridge material, especially the last 2 lines, since they introduce another angle/twist on the story. Regarding genre and placement, in rock music, acts write their own material, so film/TV is the only real target. So, if you get a well produced, dark, metal track together, you could pitch it where appropriate (e.g. replacement tracks).Aub, what is your actual goal? Are you looking to be a performer? A non-performing songwriter? This is always important to know when reviewing material. When ready, if you want to make this film/TV pitchable, one of the things I would do is hire a metal-style vocalist to give it the genre punch it will need. I hope that doesn't offend you, it's not meant that way. That's why I asked what your goal was.Anyway, I hope all this is coming off as constructive and is helpful.Warm regards, CaseyCasey,Very constructive and helpful. As you suggested in an earlier post, I genuinely consider all feedback, look for common ground and respond accordingly if I agree.As far as my actual goal, there are several tiers.1st – As a performing artist. I understand the difficultly faced there. I took ten years off, and wasted a lot of potential. However, this is the fire that still burns and keeps me going. There is a long range plan to pursue regional success. My purpose now is to narrow down the genre target, improve my songwriting and update my vocal style. I don’t expect to get “signed” through Taxi, but am using it more as a resource to hone the product.2nd – TV/Film placement (vocal music). This is not a priority right now, but a secondary potential. As my artist demos become more polished and commercial, there may be some opportunities there. There are some listings outside of my artistic genre that I will submit to if it is a good exercise for production/songwriting improvement that will further goal one.3rd – Songwriting for artists. Improving as a writer improves me as an artist. At some point this goal will be higher on the list, but for now I’ve not focused much here yet.4th – TV/Film placement (instrumental) – This is what I do for a living now. I think it’s just a matter of time and energy in order to get enough stuff out there for this to be viable. However, there is no rush here. I can do this several years from now. As an artist there is a much smaller window of opportunity because of my age. Things I can do quickly or huge opportunities are all I’m interested in right now in this area. I would rather invest time in goal one for now, and come back to this more “sure thing” later.Your comment about hiring a vocalist doesn’t offend me at all. It’s a bit funny actually as I’ve been working hard to get the “metal” out of my voice to be more commercial. I’m shooting for a Snow Patrol | Blue October vocal style for this track. I think I may have wimped it out too much. I purposefully reigned in the grit, but I’m not sure it’s working. It’s all part of the process.So far this track is closer to my goal than anything previous. I have a sense of urgency, but not at the expense of doing things right. To really get it right will mean session players, etc. For now these are demos to help define where I’m going. A placement or two along the way would be a nice bonus, but that’s secondary right now.Thanks,Aub

[aubreyz]

Quote:Hi Aub,I liked the mood of song, it is also sung well for the style.a few comments to the music:* the noise-sample in the beginning is quite irritating - imaginge if your track got sended over TV or Radio, the built-in limiter in the station will bring that sample even louder - I would replace it with a less critical sample.* the drums (ride in the 2nd verse for example, toms) sounds programmed and too mechanical and thin to me.the rest sounds quite good, well done!cheers,MartinMartin,I appreciate your feedback. I agree totally about the drums. The intent is to replace those with a real live human at some point.The trash synth hat is not that extreme for the genre... it's pretty tame actually compared to some stuff out there. I'm not sure I love it though. My original idea was to use a rattlesnake sfx there and to add a whip sound to the snare. I may play with that once I'm nailed down on the arrangement/lyrics/vocals.Thanks,Aubrey

[aubreyz]

Quote:Aub, First a thought - do with it what you will.If you could be my painWould your pleasure be my shameIf you could write my tortured thoughtsWould you .......If you could be my pain - WOULD YOU ?Now, on to the compliments I truly love the darkness in both your melody and voice. Your pain is completely visible and wonderfully audibly throughout the story. Though I'm not completely convinced that the lyrics are carrying their weight. They say they are but I'm a bit suspicious. They're not on level with the vocal and musical production. and they were just plain up to no good when they set fire to the bridge, honestly that whole mess caught me off guard, the saddest thing of all is - They burned the only way back to your chorus. (Easily fixed , call an engineer- Build a new bridge/refrain ?) "SORRY if i fumble " - as hard as i try Not to flip flop between pro's and con's i always do exactly that.. so, without further confusion i will close by saying ...I'm no sadist but i am willing to watch you suffer for arts sake... and I look forward to your next painful installment.Oh Yeah, Might wanna trim 'er down a tad more. Otherwise you'll be selling theater tickets instead of Cd's With admiration,RanG hmmm... uh... well... I think I understand some of this Nice lyric idea. I'll ponder that. I'm struggling with the bridge a bit too. I know what I wanted to say, but there may be a more poignant way to express it.More pain for your pleasure will be on the way in the near future Aub

[pogodog]

Aub, Clarification: I think I called your third verse ( the part about matches ? ) the bridge. I am sure that is where the confusion begins and hopefully ends... possibly not... if so then i agree with Casey that the third verse could be omitted altogether making your jump from the TRUE bridge to the repeat chorus much cleaner. This would also make the song leaner at under 4 mins. Also i love the voice in the verse(s) (solid) - the chorus could use a lil more punch ( maybe sing in your higher register or force your vox a bit ) IMO. And i do admit it's based solely on the fact that i have your song" Freeze me " stuck in my head. It's a wonderful example of contrast between song parts. Completely different songs, without a doubt ... but the quality of Freeze is something to shoot for .anyway, I'm sure you'll kick something into shape ... and i can't wait to hear it. The master of confusion,Rang

[aubreyz]

Quote:Aub, Clarification: I think I called your third verse ( the part about matches ? ) the bridge. I am sure that is where the confusion begins and hopefully ends... possibly not... if so then i agree with Casey that the third verse could be omitted altogether making your jump from the TRUE bridge to the repeat chorus much cleaner. This would also make the song leaner at under 4 mins. Also i love the voice in the verse(s) (solid) - the chorus could use a lil more punch ( maybe sing in your higher register or force your vox a bit ) IMO. And i do admit it's based solely on the fact that i have your song" Freeze me " stuck in my head. It's a wonderful example of contrast between song parts. Completely different songs, without a doubt ... but the quality of Freeze is something to shoot for .anyway, I'm sure you'll kick something into shape ... and i can't wait to hear it. The master of confusion,RangAhh... makes more sense. I get it. First of all, it is very encouraging to have someone make references to another one of your songs as a goal to shoot for --- btw Freeze Me has a new prechorus and a few tweaks here and there to add when I get back to that one.The third verse is going to be hard for me to lose. I'm open and will look seriously at it, but there is a lot of meaning there for me. Of course, if as a songwriter you have to explain what it means, then you've missed the boat I guess.The playing with matches reference has a double meaning. I'm referring to a bonfire that got out of hand as a kid, and also to a rage of partying that started as fun but ended up consuming a decade of my youth.Perhaps the bridge combining thing might work, but honestly 4:30 is not that unusual anymore... it's not like this is a country song Yesterday wasn't a great vocal day for me anyway -- and today it's worse. So I'll have to stand down for a bit on recutting vocals, but I'm leaning toward adding back some grit. I think in losing it, I also lost some performance realism and feeling.But, as Meatloaf says... let me sleep on it.Aub

[adrianne76]

Aub,I am feeling alienated by this song because you never say WHAT your pain is, where it came from, what happened to you, etc. When I read/hear your lyrics, I am expecting you to go further into the story, develop with each verse, give me some background, etc. You haven't done this, and it kind of feels (to me) like you are saying the same thing over and over and keeping it on the surface, therefore not really saying much.It would be a much stronger song if you could go deeper - give the listener a reason to care or a way to relate to you/understand you.Food for thought. Good luck!

[Casey H]

I know not everyone likes Nickelback, but I think their hit song, "How You Remind Me" is a good lyrical model in situations like this. There are only 2 1/2 unique verses. In verse 1 you really don't know what the song is about. It's not until he mentions the bottle in the "chorus" that you get it. The story is also amplified when he says how "living with me must have damn near killed you". It's all somewhat subtle. Note that more is said with repetition of less words than with a lot of additional words. Food for thought... casey"How You Remind Me" by NickelbackNever made it as a wise manI couldn't cut it as a poor man stealingTired of living like a blind manI'm sick of sight without a sense of feelingAnd this is how you remind meThis is how you remind meOf what I really amThis is how you remind meOf what I really amIt's not like you to say sorryI was waiting on a different storyThis time I'm mistakenfor handing you a heart worth breakingand I've been wrong, i've been down,been to the bottom of every bottlethese five words in my headscream "are we having fun yet?"yeah, yeah, yeah, no, noyeah, yeah, yeah, no, noit's not like you didn't know thatI said I love you and I swear I still doAnd it must have been so badCause living with me must have damn near killed youAnd this is how, you remind meOf what I really amThis is how, you remind meOf what I really amIt's not like you to say sorryI was waiting on a different storyThis time I'm mistakenfor handing you a heart worth breakingand I've been wrong, i've been down,been to the bottom of every bottlethese five words in my headscream "are we having fun yet?"yet, yet, yet, no, noyet, yet, yet, no, noyet, yet, yet, no, noyet, yet, yet, no, noNever made it as a wise manI couldn't cut it as a poor man stealingAnd this is how you remind meThis is how you remind meThis is how you remind meOf what i really amThis is how you remind meOf what i really amIt's not like you to say sorryI was waiting on a different storyThis time I'm mistakenfor handing you a heart worth breakingand I've been wrong, i've been down,been to the bottom of every bottlethese five words in my headscream "are we having fun yet?"yet, yet

[aubreyz]

Quote:Aub,I am feeling alienated by this song because you never say WHAT your pain is, where it came from, what happened to you, etc. When I read/hear your lyrics, I am expecting you to go further into the story, develop with each verse, give me some background, etc. You haven't done this, and it kind of feels (to me) like you are saying the same thing over and over and keeping it on the surface, therefore not really saying much.It would be a much stronger song if you could go deeper - give the listener a reason to care or a way to relate to you/understand you.Food for thought. Good luck!Now that's profound. I don't have much to say yet, because this post is such an eye opener. Casey's last post reinforces the point which is well taken...The irony is, here's a guy who never opens up, who writes one of the most revealing songs he's ever risked -- and manages to not really open up anyway Thanks for the observation. I have a new perspective from which to evaluate and rewrite.Aub

[andreh]

Quote:Quote:Aub,I am feeling alienated by this song because you never say WHAT your pain is, where it came from, what happened to you, etc. When I read/hear your lyrics, I am expecting you to go further into the story, develop with each verse, give me some background, etc. You haven't done this, and it kind of feels (to me) like you are saying the same thing over and over and keeping it on the surface, therefore not really saying much.It would be a much stronger song if you could go deeper - give the listener a reason to care or a way to relate to you/understand you.Food for thought. Good luck!Now that's profound. I don't have much to say yet, because this post is such an eye opener. Casey's last post reinforces the point which is well taken...The irony is, here's a guy who never opens up, who writes one of the most revealing songs he's ever risked -- and manages to not really open up anyway Thanks for the observation. I have a new perspective from which to evaluate and rewrite.AubOn the other hand, if you're shooting for film/TV placement then you may be harming your chances if you go into too much detail. Pain in general is universal, and can be used in many contexts (or scenes); pain because your pet mouse died will only work in the second sequal to Stuart Little, and I'm not sure Michael J. Fox is up to it.You do place your success as an artist higher on the list of priorities, so maybe more detail is in order.Andre

[Casey H]

Quote:Aub,I am feeling alienated by this song because you never say WHAT your pain is, where it came from, what happened to you, etc. When I read/hear your lyrics, I am expecting you to go further into the story, develop with each verse, give me some background, etc. You haven't done this, and it kind of feels (to me) like you are saying the same thing over and over and keeping it on the surface, therefore not really saying much.It would be a much stronger song if you could go deeper - give the listener a reason to care or a way to relate to you/understand you.Food for thought. Good luck!Good discussion... There is a very fine line as to a song's potential between being too general and being too specific. Too specific and maybe too personal and nobody gets it or feels they can connect with it... Too general has merit for film/TV but is often met with the "I don't know what this song is about" comment.And we must not forget the performer vs. non-performer issue. If the goal is, as in Aubrey's case, more to market yourself as an artist, you have a lot of freedom. If people come to your gigs and/or buy your CD's, who cares if they don't know exactly what a song is about? If you want someone else to sing your song, well that's a whole different ballgame.Are we having fun yet? LOL Casey