If You Could Feel My Pain - Review Requested

Casey H · Post by **Casey H** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 2:40 am

I think I got it for you!BridgeI sleep all day so I don't have to thinkI stay up late to hide from all my dreamsCos I see Meagan and all her tearsI tired to stop them for all those long, long yearshee hee CaseyNow, damn!... if we can only work the "leaves and trees" into that!

aubreyz · Post by **aubreyz** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 7:41 am

Quote:Aub, Maybe I'm a know-it-all snotty person . I sure hope I'm not. But i don't feel these 4 selections are the best you can do. I'm not sure why... but , They feel like just another verse. They don't read as thought they set themselves apart from the other sections of the song. Maybe you need to change the phrasing, play around with the cadence.... something with less syllables, maybe ? It's not a matter of searching for a clever line, or insightful content You have that in abundance, but there is something IMO less the ideal about these choices. Here's an example of what i trying to say about changing the meter and or phrasing: I creep all daylike a stowawayon a nightmare ridebetween truth are lies Blah....... blah blah i do, however, agree with Nomi that option 4 has a nice flashback into verse 1. and would therefore get my vote. If the polls were closing in 5 minutes. Snow ? Lucky dog, RanGSnotty? Never. Confusing? Sometimes I agree that the meter and phrasing aren't up to par. That really wasn't the point at this stage. First, I throw ideas out - assemble those into very rough outlines (as these four bridges) and then work on refining the ideas that work. However, a lyric that works text only does not always work in the musical context and something that works musically does not always seem to work in text.Thanks for the vote -- Nomi too. Now if I can just figure out how to include the Meagan, Marcie, Bob and Casey soap opera into this song

nomiyah · Post by **nomiyah** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 9:02 am

RanG has a point. It's not just phrasing. The bridge should have different meter lyrically than the verses. The music changes in the bridge and the lyrics can contrast too. Less words on a bridge helps, cut in half, it might have more punch.Nomi

pogodog · Post by **pogodog** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:03 am

Quote:I think I got it for you!BridgeI sleep all day so I don't have to thinkI stay up late to hide from all my dreamsCos I see Meagan and all her tearsI tired to stop them for all those long, long yearshee hee CaseyNow, damn!... if we can only work the "leaves and trees" into that! SOOOOOOOOO Funny

pogodog · Post by **pogodog** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:07 am

Quote:[quote author=pogodog board=peer thread=1164517569 post=1164972162]Thanks for the vote -- Nomi too. Now if I can just figure out how to include the Meagan, Marcie, Bob and Casey soap opera into this song LOL as well. ( taxi needs more emoticons .. then i could avoid lyrics altogether )

kevinmathie · Post by **kevinmathie** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 7:33 am

Aub,I'm late entering this thread, but I wanted to say nice job on your song! I really like it. I'm not going to venture any critiques since songwriting isn't my thing yet (something I'm going to get to next year, though), but I wanted to tell you how much I like the song, anyway.Kevin

If You Could Feel My Pain - Review Requested

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Re: If You Could Feel My Pain - Review Requested

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