Old Man Greedy Returned Again

[kitz]

This song has been returned a few times. This is gonna be a long rant and I don't blame anyone for bailing out before I'm through.http://www.taximusic.com/stream/178434/ ... edy.mp31st critiqueInteresting fable. Sometimes we learn from example.... of what NOT to do or how NOT to live. This song is not coming from a Definite female perspective like the listing is asking for.2nd critiqueCountry outlaw type of sound with a story focus a la Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash.MelodyMusical direction provides good backing for the lyrical content.StructureIt might be good to vary the verse sections somewhat. It's very "even" overall with two sections then a chorus, two sections then a chorus etc. This quality might lead to listener fatigue.LyricAgain, fewer verses and or shorter verses in some spots might help the story to gain focus.TitleIt might be good to somehow incorporate this title into the choruses. At the very least, the lyrical path could lead toward this at the end of the song in some way.Overall CommentsLarry - I like the premise of this story. It provides a very solid and timely message in today's climate. I think ears would perk up to this type of idea/concept. With this said, I think the biggest consideration has to do with structure and some of the things that I've outlined earlier about the title and focus as well. Keeping the listener with this story is going to be the challenge since the musical direction and layout of the verses is so even. I think the musical aspect can stay in place due to the general style of the song if the form can add some variation. For instance, you could let the verses unfold the way they are the first time around. The second time you could condense the two sections and get back to the chorus sooner, then the last time you could go shorter as well or break down part and pick it up in part. Experimenting with this "ebb and flow," so to speak can spark the listener's interest, thus keeping them "with" the story. I also think that leading the story toward this title could give "impact" or realization in some way. This drama might be a way of perking ears up.----Great advice. I did extensive editing cutting and moving as recommended and incorporated the title into the chorus - and so onward to the next.----3rd critiqueHi Larry, good to hear your song. It has a down to earth and honest vibe all the way through. Invites the listener in and tells the story well. This all applies to the vocal and guitars. You might consider taking a more rooted, grounded simple approach to the bass & drums. Bass feels too busy and pulls the ear away from the story at times. Believe you could say more with less notes. A great record to study is Neil Young's "Harvest". Super simple and pure drums and bass from, I believe, Kenny Buttrey and Tim Drumond. Amazing, this could be a great reference point for your song. This may make the song groove in a way that would shine more of a light on your story and song. Also, when the song gets going in the bridge, it will feel even more intense. About the bridge, the double time idea is good, but feels a bit stiff. You could try doubling up on a percussion instrument - say tambourine or maracas or both. Possibly double time on high hat- another idea. You are on a good path with this song. Well done and will be watching for more songs from your pen. ----OK so I worked on bass and drums timing and added hi hat to satisfy tamborine issue. Onward.----4th critiqueGood alt. country melodic ideas here. Lyrically, try to show who the old man was, how the singer got to talking to him, and why the old man felt the way he did. That might help to clarify the story line here. ----Hmmmm---- 5th critiqueThe rhythm and touches of riffs again create a tasty backdrop for this track, Larry. The riffs never offer one clear repetitive use of a note progression to come in and secure the role of musical hook. ----The "musical" hook was in the acoustic gtr on the left which I buried in order to allow the vocal to meet country standards----6th critiqueThis song could have a more coherent lyric. Who is this old man? And why, given what he says, would anyone assume that he's lived a "good life"?----I DIDN'T MEAN HE HAD A GOOD LIFE!! He had one good life to live and he blew it. How hard is that??----7th critiqueThoughtfully written but not for this genre or audience. The hooks could be stronger and more compelling for a young audience & the overall vibe could be closer to Jack Johnson or John Mayer. This song seems to lean more toward a Country vibe for an older audience - it's not written or arranged for a young pop/singer-songwriter crowd. ok - so here goes...The old man could be someone who enticed me and my wife and 3 young kids to leave our home in Texas and move 3000 miles away to take over his business so he could retire. I figured - hey - a lot less stress than working software issues in MCI's long distance network on call 24/7/365. The layoffs finally got to me and rather than pursue another position we took the bait and made the move which is when we found that the salary he offered "me" included my wife (his daughter) working full time as well. So my wife and I were working for 1/5th "my" usual salary. I was expected to keep 2 sets of books as well as purchase inspection stickers for vehicles under the table rather than actually have them inspected. You get the picture. I'll stop there. After a year he realized I was not going to follow his rules and he became very very nasty. I finally quit!!!! My wife quit before I did. The old man could have been her dad. Or it could be the ceo that takes 250 times what real workers are paid or it could be my best friend's mother - she indeed fits the bill.How do I write that? How?This song is the best I could do and they want to know who the old man is? The custom critiques never mentioned "musical" hooks or stronger lyrics or who the old man was. After cutting verses and editing and manipulating to match screeners recommendations this song has lost it's content and is no longer plausible to my ears.It was meant to be a message - not a fable - this is my life experience and yes Casey - It's personal!!! I feel I've cut it to down to mediocrity... Larry Kitzmiller

[erandall]

Hi LarryI can understand your frustration! I am no expert but I like the song for lots of reasons:1. It's just plain appealing, memorable lyrics, melody, etc. (Story line is absolutely clear and consistent from the very beginning all the way through)2. Love the production! I particularly like the fiddle(?) I think? (I'm not so good in that department...I know I like it, though!)3. Seems real (I can relate)IMHO, you should keep the song the way you like it and keep submitting it if you want, or don't. I don't know if you do live performance or not, but I would bet this would be a real crowd pleaser. I think you're right about revising into mediocrity...too many hands in the process and the horse becomes a camel...It's a good song and it means a lot to you...That's fantastic!Good luck,Ellen

[kitz]

Thanks Ellen, Frustrated is the word... The music market has seem to become the junk food market. Make it square, put in exactly this much choleserol, make sure the packaging is colorful and appealing - make sure it's got BIG on the label and then make it consumable in one bite.What's the flavor of the day and when will it change. Orange Julius anyone??I'm just discouraged as I know everyone here has felt when we've had so many returns and each screener (while often nice about it) gives you a different reason for rejecting the same song and some contradict. These above don't contradict - but to be rejected with the comment - build out the old man - well - I'm just frustrated. Weeping CamelKitz

[matthoggard]

Larry,I loved that song the first time I heard it a few months back. I hope you saved the original version as well.The way I see it: That song is very representative of your personal style. Just as my song thats been returned many times is my style. I finally decided after several informed suggestions to leave that song for my "solo album" and move on with other stuff. Youve got a great Americana/Red dirt style. Thats what we call it down here. Dont stray from it. Ive listened to the other songs youve posted where youve tried other styles and your personal style bleeds through every time. I LOVE IT!!!I understand that you are writing for different listing sometimes as I am also. Dont get away from your soul man. We have recently decided that "OUR" songs are staying with us. The ones we write for listings can go anywhere. We are going to start a huge self promotion campaign and sell our stuff ourselves and let the industry have what they want. Dont get frustrated Brother. Turn that shiot against them and use it to your advantage. We have to remember that theres a much larger world than Taxi offers out there. Start co-writing more. Get yourself some exposure in other ways. Think of it like a huge EQ on your DAW. Right here is just the 500-1000k bandwidth. Find the bandwidth your stuff works in and BOOST THAT BABY!OK, weird analogy I know but Ive been going through this same frustration lately. You write excellent songs in your genre. Stick to it for your self. THe country market is getting even harder these days. The red dirt/ americana/alt country market is still open to new songs and artists and you fit right in with us "outlaws". And your really good!Hope I made sense.M~

[kitz]

Matt,You made me smile!! Thanks for that!!Larry

[cameron]

Larry,I had a thread going on this same subject a few months back, and I've come to the conclusion that trying to chase screener opinion is like trying to have a committee write your song by remote control. Even experts disagree with each other, so you have to trust your own instincts. If you get three or four critiques that all say the same thing, then you need to look at it, otherwise, don't bother unless you've been thinking the same thing already yourself.To me the vocals sound a little folksy, but the instrumentation and structure says Charlie Daniels. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just what I noticed.This doesn't necessarily apply for film/tv, but for label cuts you have to ask yourself "what artist could I hear singing this?" I could definitely hear Charlie Daniels doing this, but then again even he might think it's too much like what he USED to do (I'm not saying that's the case, just saying you never know) but otherwise I'm not sure where this style would fit into the current radio format.What would you like to do with the song? If it's for film/TV anything could go in the right situation. If it's for radio, you need to define exactly which format it fits and then listen to songs in that format and try to sound like the best of them, with enough of yourself to make them unique and different... but not too different.What Matt says might make sense about the Alt/Americana market being more wide-open. I don't think this song would fit the current country market format, but hell, sometimes you just never know. Cam

[billg]

Larry, first I'm going to ditto what the others have said. You have changed your song trying to please someone else and it didn't work, now go back to your original song, the one you like!Now, the most useful advice you received imo was the "Neil Young Harvest" bit. Even with the re-vamped version I thought the drums could have been simplified and the bass should have stayed more to the root-fifth style of playing. That said, I don't think that should have been enough to warrant a return, in fact, unless this was from a custom critique it's just downright nit-picky. I'm only mentioning it because from a bass player standpoint I could dig what he was saying.You're not along in the "frustration" club.

[kitz]

Thanks Cam - I can't see CD doin this tune as I doubt he does anything other than himself. I do like what Matt said about red dirt. Before i left Texas we had a station on the air called the range that just played americana and I loved it. So maybe that genre could be cultivated. As for me - I suffer from the V word and have not really pinned down a genre I want to lock into so I am just doing what I feel at the time. Lot's of guitar instrumentals mostly. Thanks and good luck!Bill - Thanks for the advice - I will put this one back in line for treatment. It was just an emotional day and I got a bunch of returns all at once. Which means I got a lot of mini-critiques which means I got a lot to do and am trying to sort out what needs to be done and when and how. You know the routine. Thanks for your help.

[cameron]

I love The Range! It's my favorite radio station anywhere! I've been getting to Dallas/Ft. Worth a couple of times a year for the last few years and always look for that station first thing when I get in the rental car. That's the only place I've ever heard the song "Sister" (I''m gonna have to sleep with your sister, might even get a blister)!Cam

[matthoggard]

Somehow I knew you was from Texas. Thats "south of the border" to us okies. M~