Christian song feedback please!

[orest]

I would like some feedback on this song called: Cannot liveIt's still a work in progress. Please let me know what you think about the "hit" potential as well as the production. This is not the final version, but maybe not far from it..http://www.alexanderorest.com/cannot.htm

[orest]

Anyone please! I especially need some advice to lift the second chorus in the end. Thanks!

[wignelson]

Good start, Alexander. This is a nice song and a positive message, which you would think fits the request of the listing. You would be wrong. It's not enough to write a positive song with a nice pleasing voice like yours. I recently submitted 2 songs that other artists liked a lot and wanted to cover. They got slammed.One guy said, "You don't sound like David Curtis Chapman."If I could have replied, I would have told him that I left my cookie cutter in my other pants.It's a tough nut to crack. I plan to submit the same song in Songwriter as it is a pop song with a spiritual message, but can apply to pushing anything up hill. Struggling.I wrote the song in a dream about a spiritual awakening. Got up and wrote it down immediately. True story.Well, it got a 7 out of 10 by the listener.If you want to hear it, it's the one I proposed submitting for film music in the listings forum. That's what pushing things uphill is like in the Contemporary Christian listing. Hope that helps.Good luck, Wig

[allends]

Aug 8, 2008, 1:21am, orest wrote:Anyone please! I especially need some advice to lift the second chorus in the end. Thanks!Hi Alexander,I understand from your choice of words above that you sense a need for more energy and momentum in this song. Although you specifically ask for advice to lift the second chorus, I hope you don't mind that I am offering you my personal feelings about the structure of the entire song. My ears tell me that your song is structured like this:ChorusVerse (with pre-chorus lift)ChorusVerse (with pre-chorus lift)ChorusChorusInstrumental endingI strongly believe you can strengthen the momentum of this song by starting with the verse rather than the chorus. Also, the melody for the verses uses the same note as the root chord of the chorus perhaps one time too many times IMHO. I think you could stylize your vocal to avoid this note easily. While you’re at it, you could experiment with re-phrasing the melody of your verses to emphasize a few more descending notes and the first two phrases might even be re-written to have a sparser, more laid-back cadence that builds more toward the pre-chorus.It seems to me that you can get the big lift you want in the chorus with more jangly cymbals, tambourines and a stronger back beat on the snare combined with another bigger higher pitched harmony vocal part over the others. If it were up to me, there would be an electric guitar playing some power chords too! Here’s the last thing on my wish list for this song: I would love to hear what you can do with a Bridge for this song! I hope these thoughts of mine are welcome. Every artist thinks and feels differently. Good luck with your work on this one. I'm a big fan of yours and I will be watching and listening for you! Cheers,Al

[orest]

Thanks for your time guys! I will do my best and this idea was written pretty fast. I am thinking of a bridge as well.

[felix]

Hi Alexander,this is a nice song. It is a "typical" Praise and Worship/modern church song where the congregation can easily follow the lyrics and melody lines. And that's the intention of a Praise and Worship song structure. I don't mean to be discouraging but I personally can't hear the "hit" potential in terms of contemporary christian radio hit. But the song is certainly something churches would consider to play/perform during their services (money can also be made through CCLI).I think the song needs an intro (4 to 8 measures) and unlike Al I like the idea of going right into the Chorus (after an intro) and then into the 1st Verse. I too believe that a bridge is necessary in the song. I can hear the bridge between the 3rd and 4th Chorus whereas the 4th chorus could be transposed a half step up which in my opinion would lift the song a lot in the end. I like the instrumental ending.Just my 2 cents worthKeep up the good work!- Felix