The house is not a home (critiques please

[irwin]

I am proud of this song. What do you think?The house is not a home©2008 Irwin Byron AbrigoIf anybody see my babytell her that I am feeling lonelyCause not anyonecan do the things she doesShe keeps me lively in the day timeMakes me groan in the nightsbut now she is gone I realizeThe room is still a rooma chair is still a chairThe bed still lies therebut if she's not hereThe house is not a homeThe house is not a homeIf she 's not hereThe house is not a homeThe house is not a homeIf she's not hereThe house is not a home anymoreIf any see my ladytell her that I'm going crazyShe said that she's leavingwe had a quarrelI said baby don't you worryI will be happybut that was a lie cause now I realizeThe room is still a roomA chair is still a chairThe bed still lies therebut if she's not thereThe house is not a homeThe house is not a homeIf she's not hereThe house is not a homeThe house is not a homeIf she's not hereThe house is not a home anymoreI want the world to know she's one in a millionI am so proud that she was my womanI wish she can come back to me once moreI turn this house into a homeBecause the room is still a roomthe chair is still a chairThe bed still lies therebut without her hereThe house is not a home anymoreThe house is not a home anymore

[plaincountry]

Can't help be hear the Burt Bacharach/Luther Vandross tune in this one. Also a couple word choices seem a little off, like "groan" and "quarrel." Not sure what genre this is, but it may be to close to "A House is Not a Home" by the previously mentioned artists to be pop or r&b and "groan" or "quarrel" seem a little odd for country in the context in which you've used them.

[momof4]

hi! so the two songs that came to mind when reading this are "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" and then that country song that goes "it's a big ol' empty house where there used to be a home"...so you've got some stiff competition when it comes to writing this song b/c you need to make it as awesome as those other two, but uniquely your own. does that make sense? some ideas for a stronger lyric might be to be more descriptive on your bridge. like, don't just say "she's one in a million", but tell us something about her that SHOWS she's one in a million. and instead of "i am so proud that she's my woman", maybe dive deeper and show us how you're proud...let us "see" your pride...the buttons bustin' off your chest b/c your heart's so full, or something like that. anyhoo, great topic, but i'd try to really dive in and use some different words/phrases to really make your lyrics stand out from the rest! totally just my opinion, of course. erin