DISILLUSIONED

[brandonjohns]

I was hoping that others would take a look at this first draft of a new song and give me some input....Disillusioned by Brandon JohnsThey say the economy is taking a divePeople doing the unthinkable, just to surviveForeclosures and repos, we're feeling the pinchWe can make it if the government gives an inchCHORUSThe rich, the poor and us in betweenBegging, borrowing, it's the way to a meanWe wake each morning, off to work we goTo slave our eight and have nothing to showSuicide rate skyrocket, depression the normInto poverty and desperation, we're all bornWelfare and social services, our last resortTrying to climb that ladder, get our ships into portCHORUSWith our mate by our side, we forge onNo hope for tomorrow, now that's all wrongOur children's future, the goal to obtainKeep on dreaming, there's much to gainCHORUSSo onward we press, together as oneUnited in Disillusions, we've just begunTo make life bearable, for now and for laterHope for a future, where our world is better

[rivercitymusic]

I'm no one to take any info from. After hearing what these guys and gals do with music, I've become awe-struck.If i can hear something, i can give you some feedback. That's my limits. I gotta hear a melody with it to be of any help.I've already learned that great lyrics are only great if a melody can be attached to them and reading lyrics just don't compare with hearing them sung along side a melody.Be checking back, be glad to give it a once over as soon as i can hear something.But don't be giving up. I'm the odd ball here it seems. These people don't belong here they belong on the raido, tv, film or ?????????????If they are aspiring to be good, i'm in deep shit my friend, deep shit. Sorry for my french.Doc

[hummingbird]

Dec 3, 2008, 7:30pm, rivercitymusic wrote:I'm no one to take any info from. After hearing what these guys and gals do with music, I've become awe-struck.If i can hear something, i can give you some feedback. That's my limits. I gotta hear a melody with it to be of any help.I've already learned that great lyrics are only great if a melody can be attached to them and reading lyrics just don't compare with hearing them sung along side a melody.Be checking back, be glad to give it a once over as soon as i can hear something.But don't be giving up. I'm the odd ball here it seems. These people don't belong here they belong on the raido, tv, film or ?????????????If they are aspiring to be good, i'm in deep shit my friend, deep shit. Sorry for my french.Docrivercity, let me ask you one simple question: "what do I have that you don't have." And I'll tell you the answer: "nothin'" You wanna do this thing, it's doable. and let me tell you, this post - which came along a couple of minutes before yours... pretty much says it:Dec 3, 2008, 7:24pm, tmarcoe wrote:I just got my first review from Taxi and before I tell you about it, I would like to tell you where I'm coming from first. I've been writing music for some time now and just recently (within the last 5 years) started pursuing a career in the music biz. I attended a very good producer's school in Minneapolis and even met some higher ups in the music biz but every time I would get someone to listen to my songs, they would either say "You've got talent" and do nothing about it, or they would say something like "I'm not feelin' it" with pretty much the same result. It was frustrating. I accepted the fact that I had much to work on but the question was "How do I proceed?" and "What exactly do I work on?" It was next to impossible to find solid, objective criticism that I could use. The review that I got from Taxi wasn't a glowing one and I didn't expect it to be but it gives me a real direction to work from.Thank you Taxi. For the first time, I really think I could ride this taxi to my dreams. yep, if I get nothing else from TAXI but that clear roadmap, it's well worth the investment to me. Can't dictacte to anyone else what they should do - all I know is, I ain't givin' up... and, all I know is, no forwards, with work, turn into forwards... and forwards turn into deals. In time. Persistance ain't futile.

[hummingbird]

Brandon, you got a powerful lyric here. Some of the lines seem, on first read, that they would be difficult to sing. A little check on the grammer would be good. Depending on what your pitch is... might be a problem with the title not being in the chorus... but as a protesting folk song / singer-songwriter, might work well.

[motomyrtle]

in addition to what Hummingbird said - I'd change up the rhyme pattern between the chorus and verse to make more of a distinction musicallyJMO Cheryl

[horacejesse]

A lot of these lines really slam well together. They jump right out without being preachy or screechy. It is not against anyone, and I like that too. I like that it is making statements rather than condemnations. It could go almost any way you please right now. The whole country can easily relate to the content. Just pick a style and find a groove.

[brandonjohns]

Thanks for the feedback...working on a tune for it right now. Hope to have it in the studios by January.

[ontariolightning]

This is going to be the kind of song thats going to be overwritten in the next yearI think I've read at least ten just like this already In the past few weeks with nothing standing out from the pack... It flows well, depends what kind of genre it's for, Sure everyone would be able to relate to it though but It doesn't seem commercial to me, but if you're going to sing it then it should be fine, I just think you're going to have a hard time pitching it to an artistGood luck Brandon