Tender Kisses - revised

[inngr8]

I wrote this specifically as a country song and I'm hoping I'm not too far off the mark. I know the theme has been done before, but I'm hoping the hook is good enough to make it fresh. We are getting ready to put this to music and send it to the singer - any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The first lines in v1 and v2 are a little up in the air - any preferences? or can someone recommend better starter lines? I think it follows a chronology and tells a story - hopefully it isn't too ambiguous.Tender KissesV1Ain’t no Mama like mine OR (there never was a mama like mine)Can’t remember if there was a timeWhen life knocked me lowThat she wasn’t there to make me shineMy heart was so brokeWhen my first love left meDidn’t think I’d surviveBut Mamas’ tender kisses consoled meChorus x2Tender kisses like medicineThey pick me up when I can’t go onAnd I remember the best of themThey seem to linger long after their goneV2Ain’t no Lady like mine OR (there never was a wife like mine)She was always there , right by my sideThrough all the valleys and peaksYou know her tender kisses made me weakAnd when our baby girl arrivedI wasn’t sure our love would surviveBut night after night after nightYou know her tender kisses made it all rightChorus x2Tender kisses like medicineThey pick me up when I can’t go onAnd I remember the best of themThey seem to linger long after their goneV3Now the apple of my eyeThat baby girl stole my heart right awayShe’s keepin’ me youngThough we’ve had some hard times along the wayShe lost her mama and I lost mineI wasn’t sure if I could surviveBut that little girls’ tender kissesGive me a million reasons to stay aliveChorusTender kisses like medicineThey pick me up when I can’t go onAnd I remember the best of themThey seem to linger long after their goneAll those tender kissesMake me high when I think about…All those tender kissesMake my cry when I think about…P. Armstrong 9/23/08

[wignelson]

I'd go with, "Never been a Mama just like mine" and "Never been a lady just like mine." The word "just" is a grace word that makes it roll off the tongue better IMO. It's all about how words sound as much as what they mean. (Paraphrasing Lennon)Nice sentiment. Should work well with music. Good luck. Wig

[momof4]

welllllll...this may totally be just me, but somehow, having a connection between a mom's "tender kisses" and then to a girlfriend/wife's "tender kisses" sound a little creepy to me, like it kind of makes the mom's kisses sound sexual...i know they're NOT, but...still. weird, i know...am i the only one who gets this vibe? maybe some others will weigh in...erin

[willied]

I agree with Wig's suggestions "Never been a Mama just like mine" and "Never been a lady just like mine." does sound classier.Your line "But night after night after night" would probably flow better with "But night after night" It is one less syllable then your pattern but a singer could end the second night with a little emphasis and roll into the last line of the verse which will make it stand out.Ex:But night after nightHer tender kisses made it all right or You know her tender kisses made it all rightJust my thoughts,All in all a good song with some very good thoughts. Like to hear it when it's done.Bill

[inngr8]

Thanx for everyone who has left input thus far. Wig and Bill, I certainly appreciate the suggestions and will most likely make the changes you are recommending. Erin, I had the same creep factor concerns initially, but to make the song work I am trusting listeners to take the song in the spirit intended, and not read too much into it. I'm hoping to have a rough demo nlt mid week, if all goes well. Any other remarks or critiques are still welcome.Phil

[rivercitymusic]

I'm just an old hack but here is what i did on Verse 1You wrote:V1Ain’t no Mama like mine OR (there never was a mama like mine)Can’t remember if there was a timeWhen life knocked me lowThat she wasn’t there to make me shineMy heart was so brokeWhen my first love left meDidn’t think I’d surviveBut Mamas’ tender kisses consoled meI wrote:Can't remember if there was a timeWhen her being here didn't make me shineIf my heart was broke or life hit me lowBack to her arms i could always goWhen i lost my first love at the age of 6Momma always had the perfect fixit's only a 5 minute re-write and a poor one at best but it shows you how you can change the order and get some smoother flow with the words.And although we all knew your intenions with regards to your or this mom, yeah it could have become a bit of an eyebrow raiser by some that read the lyrics. I'm not being critical, i just know people and how they always read things into stuff that doesn't belong.Doc

[inngr8]

Thanx, Doc, for taking the time to not only read, but to actually offer a rewrite. After the "creep factor" arose I did another take - I tried to chagne the nature of the song by changing V1 lines five thru eight. Pls let me know if you all think this works - if so, i'll tackle V3 as well. Just trying for a new spin.When my heart was broke by my first loveMama was there to reassure meShe introduced me to my future wifeAnd that girls tender kisses consoled me

[rivercitymusic]

Well i'm most likely more of a bother than anything else. But if it helps you pry out that next number one song, go for it.You gotta try to write in more of a prose style. Rythmic.Try to sing the verse you just wrote to a basic 4 beat measure at 100 clicks or so.If you can't get the words in it then it's too wordy. It's okay to have open areas but you can only get so much into a measure before it becomes what i call a "clusterF^ck" a "brainfart" you know what i mean.If you sang the re-done verse and forced the words into a 4 beat measure it'd have to come out like a polka. Do you understand what i'm trynig to say?What you have re-written is more of a story, not a song. Look at the sentence structure, you see you almost have total complete sentences. Songs don't generally do that. Some do, but most are phrases not as many sentences. They are more thoughts or parts of thoughts.You have the right song idea, every one loves momma. but you gotta sing it, not read a story about it.Hope this helps without sounding bossy cause i'm just an old hack at this and learn every day. Heck i just learned that an instrumental is considered a song by some people! Imagine that. A song without lyrics? whodathunk? I thought it was called an instrumental cause it didn't have any words.lolHere is a song i wrote and it's nothing special but it may give you an idea about using phrases instead of sentences. It's an old campfire song.Verse 1Sitting on the beach With my six string and some rumMy E string is missing But that don’t bother me noneI got sunshine, blue skies, and a smile on my faceI’m staying here, bikinis all over the placeSitting on the beachChorusString tied, strapless, and a truck load of thongsI ought to get inspired to write a songI got the perfect spot under an old palm treeIt’s just Captain Morgan and meSitting on the beachVerse 2The gals swing by and give me a wavThey know me as Beach DaveHarmless as a puppy or a fly on the sillI wonder if too much loving can make you illI gotta admit, I can’t lieIf I were younger, what a way to dieSitting on the BeachChorusSong Break …………… Verse 3It’s getting late, the sun’s going downFires are getting lit the gals start fooling aroundHot dogs, burgers and a cold brewSome bali hi or ripple will certainly doI can’t believe my eyes, it just ain’t rightWhat’s a poor old man to doSitting on the BeachChorusRepeat and fade out …………………..

[inngr8]

Thanks Doc, I do get what you are saying - and it wasn't my intention that the rewritten verse be a one for one word exchange. I posted it to introduce the altered concept - once I get that right and I'm not coming across as a closet pedophile I can pare the words down to something manageable. I'm not a musician or singer - sometimes I'm lucky enough to work with them, and we usually craft a decent song. I had everything on this one pretty much in the correct form, obviously I made a major error with the content. Looks like I have to be PC in regards to who is getting/doing the kissing, and plug the right words in to the right spots and I might be home free. V1 is gonna be moral support from momma, lose one gf and get a new one that can kiss. I can see V2 staying as is. V3 line 7 needs replacing. I'm really hoping to salvage as much of the song as possible, and I think I'm fine with the chorus. Still room for more ideas and criticism before I do the rewrite.Thanx again for all the great feedback so far - Phil

[rivercitymusic]

You just learned something that will keep the stress way down in your life.Feedback is perceptual, nothing else. No one but you know how you meant what you wrote.No matter what others may say, keep the faith, write what you feel, good bad great or ugly. It's yours.Sure others may claim this or that but in the end you gotta be you and be cautious when you hear people make claims with regards to their ability, success. Not that some don't really write, sing and play very well to great. But most of us out here are just regular folks having the chance to live a dream. whether or not we achieve it is up to each of us and no one can take away your pride in your work.Doc