Till the Fire Ends

[jameskarlson]

How bout this one guysYou have meant so much to me in my lifeAs long as my heart beats, I will give all I have to you Like a ship on the sea that’s raging in the nightI’ll fight the waves to get myself to youAnd through the bad times you held my hand,You held me close and told me we will standChorus: Against the stormThrough the rainLike a candle in the night we’ll shine our flameLiving on a prayerAnd the endless love we shareWe’re destined to make it all the wayI’ll believe in you, till the fire endsYears have pass like chapters in a bookAs long as I’m with you, there is no endLife’s lonesome highways and all the roads we tookThe shattered hearts we found and the rules we had to bend,Nut you told me not to lose my faith and lightTogether, forever you said we would fight

[hummingbird]

Hi James - welcome aboard. Nice to meet someone new. I see you've posted 3 lyrics for review, and as you're new, you probably don't realize that it's kinda expected that, while you post your own work for review... that you will review other folks work as well. So you might not get a lot of feedback on all 3 lyrics since people don't know you yet & haven't seen you be active in the community. Have a read through the beginning of this thread, it will give you an idea of how to introduce yourself, etc...http://taxi.proboards27.com/index.cgi?b ... d=2141This particular lyric has a sweet sentiment, and nice ideas, albeit a little cliche'd, and a little mixing of imagery. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not what I would consider to be a powerful lyric that says something universal in a unique way. It would be good to know what genre of music you are shooting for & whether you want this assessed for commercial viability.As a musician, looking at the meter, I wonder if the lines of verse 2 would match the music that would be set for verse 1... some of the corresponding lines have several more syllables.Although verse two definitely sets up the passage of time, it doesn't introduce any new information, it basically says the same thing as the first verse and chorus. It is nice, but I'm challenging you to take it further... I really like the hook, I think it's unique. Here are some comments. What I'm doing is asking the questions the lyric doesn't seem to answer. Like... who are you talking to? Mom? Dad? Girl? Boy? In other words, I'm saying - go deeper. tell the story beneath the cliche. Help us to see this person's face, help us to feel what you feel about them by making them 'live'. Think of your song like a video with a beginning, middle and end... think of that imagery and try to put it into words.You have meant so much to me in my life - how, why?As long as my heart beats, I will give all I have to you - why?Like a ship on the sea that’s raging in the night -grammatically, this sounds like the ship is ragingI’ll fight the waves to get myself to youAnd through the bad times you held my hand - what bad times? this is an abrupt shift from the imagery of you fighting the storm to get to this person... suddenly it's philosophicalYou held me close and told me we will stand - stand... where? together?Chorus: Against the stormThrough the rainLike a candle in the night we’ll shine our flame (in the storm & rain?)Living on a prayerAnd the endless love we shareWe’re destined to make it all the wayI’ll believe in you, till the fire endsBut I have to say that the image of fighting the storm and the rain doesn't really go with 'till the fire ends'. The fire would logically probably go out if there was a storm & rain....Just some thoughts from me. As we say on songwriting boards, "keep or sweep". It's just one person's opinion. Keep writing, and never give up.Recommended reading... "6 Steps to Songwriting Success" by Jason Blume; and/or "Writing Better Lyrics" by Pat Pattison.warmlyHummin'bird

[jameskarlson]

Thanks hummingbird as this is one of the first many many many ages ago when the Flintstones were alive. Just wanted some feedback.