country lyrics:conversationl vs. evocative imagery

[badams]

Hello fellow lyricists, Recent feedback I've gotten from country submissions has got me wondering about reconciling the current demand for "coversational lyrics" with the more general demand for "evocative imagery," fresh and unique metaphors, etc. in contemporary country lyrics. I've been operating under the impression that to achieve both, it's a matter of striking a balance. In other words, to be conversational, you have to exercise some restraint on the imagery, etc. However, I've gotten two critiques for the same song, one suggesting that my lyrics need to be simpler and more conversational and the other suggesting that it needed more "evocative imagery" and had too many general statements. So, I'm trying to make some sense of comments that at least on the surface seem to be bit contradictory. If anyone has any thoughts on this, I would appreciate hearing from you.

[ontariolightning]

hey badams, could you post the lyrics so we all can see, a mixture of the two is the best bet

[badams]

sure, below are the lyrics. Also, if you want to check out the lyrics with the music (which I didn't write), it's on my taxi page at http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.p ... songwriter Thanks!Woman of Sacrificecopyright 2008 (all rights reserved)VERSE 1Change struck Beth like a rattlesnakeBut she was strong for her little boy's sakeWhen her husband walked out, she did what she had to doShe found a job on the night shiftMoving freight on a fork liftAnd earned the respect of the men on the warehouse crewCHORUSShe gave all her labor to a thankless job But saved all her heart for her child and godShe was a woman of faith, a woman of sacrifice When she was tired, she never showed itWhen she was down, the world didn't know itShe had an inner peace that eclipsed her difficult lifeShe was a woman of faith, a woman of sacrificeVERSE 2Many mornings things got hecticShe'd rush home, pack lunch, make breakfastHug her boy and put him on the school busBut she kept food on the tableAnd thanked God when she was ableTo put a little money away in a college trustCHORUSShe gave all her labor to a thankless job But saved all her heart for her child and godShe was a woman of faith, a woman of sacrifice When she was tired, she never showed itWhen she was down, the world didn't know itShe had an inner peace that eclipsed her difficult lifeShe was a woman of faith, a woman of sacrificeBRIDGEWhen her boy grew up, Beth was able to payFor all four years of college up at stateAt graduation the tears streamed down her cheeksWhen the validictorian gave a speechHe said the best lessons I've learned in lifeI didn't learn in school but from a woman of sacrificeCHORUSShe gave all her labor to a thankless job But saved all her heart for her child and godShe was a woman of faith, a woman of sacrifice When she was tired, she never showed itWhen she was down, the world didn't know itShe had an inner peace that eclipsed her difficult lifeShe was a woman of faith, a woman of sacrifice

[momof4]

hi! i can't listen to stuff on Taxi websites, so i can't hear this with music, but just from reading it, i see your quandry. you've got some great lines here, great descriptions of this woman, etc., but my initial thought was that, when reading lyrics only, it seems more like a novel than a song. i love your opening line - awesome. i just think maybe the lyrics are too...i don't know...yeah, maybe "not conversational" enough is the right phrase. hope that helps some...just my take on things. erin

[ontariolightning]

imo it sounded real good, i am iffy on the lyrics thoughthat is what mothers are supposed to do but what did she sacrafice?it is a mothers responsibility to give everything she has for her familybut what did she sacrafice for herself, what sort of thingsi also think your bridge is way too long, thats more like a third versetheres an information overload here in my opinionI agree that this is more like a novel, a life storyit maybe strong enough for a cut but personally i wasn't moved i see you have a lot of other songs, i will make sure i listen to them alljust remember, this is just my opinion, i could be wrong and it could be a hitgood luck

[sgs4u]

Hey Brad. Who is this singing? This you? Cause this guys sounds wicked. This demo sounds fabulous, I love the vibrato guitar. The band's arrangement is quite good, except that the chords they've either been given or chosen, for the chorus, limit the dynamics of the song. The singer is also fabulous to me. The verses really start out well, but when the song hits the chorus, there is a definite drop in excitement. It really is a kick-ass demo of a mediocre chorus, unfortunately. It would have been good to have some kind of climb line, or pre-chorus getting into the chorus. The chorus could start with Am, like the bridge does, or F, or anything but C, to be different from the verse sound. It just needs to get bigger. Every line in the chorus has the word "She" in it. Why? When your verses have the story-telling to them going on, the chorus needs some kind of thematic left-turn. Instead of the chorus lyric being about things "she" did or does, it could be about your reaction to them, or her kid's reaction, or some other perspective. I hope that helps you understand what I mean. I thought the image of the Woman of Sacrifice was a strong enough image to be in the first line, and last line of the chorus, you know book-ends. Not the title half-way thru the chorus, and ten at the end. I know that might sound awfully predictable, but I just wouldn't take a chance n any other way trying to get thru the Taxi screener gates. The chorus melody stays in almost the same range as the verse, the melody doesn't soar, yet. No harmonies in the chorus? Both the chorus and the verses start with a "C" chord, that stops the music in those sections from having enough contrast. Just kinda feels like it's going thru the motions, without the right amount of tension & release. The musical head after the chorus is cool, I woulda asked them to play it twice. Bridge is much too long. It starts off nice, but then just rambles off, into oblivion. The bridge only needs 2 or 3 of those 6 lines. It might be a great idea to see if you can use a minus mix to re-sing the chorus with different lyrics, but the chorus really needs a melody, lyric and arrangement re-write so I dunno if it's salvageable that way. Tons of people are really gonna like this song when you play it for them, because it really sounds great, like a Nashville demo should. But they might not know why it doesn't make them jump up and down. I haven't reviewed anyone's country songs for a while on here, and so I apologize if I'm coming across too harshly. I'm from Canada tho, so if you don't agree with me, don't worry about it. PS - Aaron, you're good at critiquing, but terrible at paragraph breaks. It helps people count the points you're making and decide if your input is valid. hehe

[badams]

Thanks very much everyone for taking the time to give me some candid feedback. Steve, I'm tempted to take credit for the singing, but that wouldn't be right. A studio singer in Tenn did the vocal and like you, I thought he did a great job. Man, you are good at this; your critique makes a lot more sense to me than what I've gotten back so far from screeners. I definitely hear what you're saying about the chorus and think those are good suggestions. I've previously thought about the "she" issue you raised, but your pointing it out will make it hard for me to now ignore. I also like the the idea of a different perspective in the chorus. With regard to the bridge, my bridges are usually shorter so I guess I never thought much about the bridge necessarilty needing to be short. Proper form aside, however, I needed those extra lines to round out the last chapter! Thanks again for the helpful feedback. - Brad

[lwj001]

Here's one. Kinda country, kinda pop:Flaming Star (Larry W. Jones 08/09/2008) (song#5732)From off afar, a falling starFlamed across a velvet skyCome what may, it brought to mindThe Gypsies sayA flaming star is only for a love that's blindSoon I saw you, from off afarKissing someone else beneath the starsMy dreams fell from heaven, just before elevenI believed I was your flameYou deceived me just the sameMy dreams fell from heaven, just before elevenThe night a flaming star burned up those dreams of mine- instrumental -Soon I saw you, from off afarKissing someone else beneath the starsMy dreams fell from heaven, just before elevenI believed I was your flameYou deceived me just the sameMy dreams fell from heaven, just before elevenThe night a flaming star burned up those dreams of mineFrom off afar, a falling starFlamed across a velvet skyCome what may, it brought to mindThe Gypsies sayA flaming star is only for a love that's blind

[mojobone]

Haven't heard music yet, but the chorus reads like a list; she did this, she did that, she did the other. Your balance between conversation and imagery seems about right in the verses, but kinda falls down in the chorus.I think what the reviewer's trying to say might be show me don't tell me.

[badams]

Thanks, that's helpful and gets at what I was trying to figure out.