The Bus Stop Song

[linziellen]

Hi folks,I was feeling a bit hippy when I wrote this one! Shared it with Chits who thought it good but may just need an extra something solid in the chorus-to which I agree. Wondered what the general vibe is before I try and perfect...which I'm not too good at doing! I got an upbeat, piano"Had a Bad Day" kind of tune going on here but it had that air of "I've been sung a thousand times" about it!Anyway...The Bus Stop Song © 2008 Lindsey Ellen Jolivet Snow is falling round my feetI've always lived on this cold streetThey say miss flower winter sweetCan't spread her roots in our concreteSo I'm just waiting for a busMe my flower the both of usTo take me from their silly fussAnd leave them something to discussOh and I can't waitPlease bus don't be lateIt’s green grass all the way for meI can smell the fresh airHurry up and take me thereWhere I can dance myself into a state What'd you say you think you seeFrom the branches of your grey ash treeWinter snow I dare to disagree Running naked makes them stareAll but this daisy chain I'm bareIt's just a dream but I'll get thereI've reached the point where I don't careSo what if I stand out from youLocked up animals at the zooThere's so much I just got to doNot satisfied with all this bamboo Oh and I can't waitPlease bus don't be lateIt’s green grass all the way for meI can smell the fresh airHurry up and take me thereWhere I can dance myself into a state What'd you say you think you seeFrom the branches of your grey ash treeWinter snow I dare to disagree

[timbehrens]

Hey Lindsey,I enjoyed reading your lyrics. I'm singing a little melody in my head to them. I am no expert, but wanted to share an idea with you. The rhyming structure of the verses appears to be four lines ending with rhyming words, followed by another four. It might be cool to have the first three lines rhyme, followed by a fourth line that does not, followed by another three that rhyme, followed by an eighth that rhymes with the fourth. Example:Snow is falling round my feetI've always lived on this cold streetThey say miss flower winter sweetCan't spread her roots in stoneSo I'm just waiting for a busMe my flower the both of usTo take me from their silly fussFrom things best left unknownThat last line probably doesn't make any sense, but you get the idea....Anyways, best of luck with it. I enjoyed reading your lyrics.

[momof4]

ooh, tim, i like your verse...doesn't totally make sense to me, either, but it sure sounds lovely to the ears! so here are my thoughts, although i'm not sure what genre this would classify as, and that makes it a little trickier to comment. (it's not country, that's for sure, and if it's rock, well, rock can be more "mysterious"...usually with more success if you're a singer/songwriter and have sold people on your "mysteriousness".) but, with that small disclaimer, here's what i think:1) i like the idea of the concrete hindering "miss flower winter sweet's" root growth, but i have to admit that i don't know who "mfws" is...i'm guessing it's "spring", maybe? or some sort of greenery? but naming her "mfws" doesn't make sense to me - is she flower, or winter? what is she?2) you call the street "cold"...is it cold b/c of all the concrete? if so, maybe you could play that up a little more. if it's cold b/c of the snow, well...everything is cold b/c of snow, so...3) "me, my flower, the both of us"...wait...is "miss flower winter sweet" a flower after all? if so, where did she come from if she can't grow in the concrete? was she a flower you picked up at the market? or did you pluck her off one of your indoor plants? (just trying to make the image make sense, that's all...i'm not trying to bully you) 4) who is having a fuss? who is discussing? this line doesn't sound very believable to me. i know you're being poetic, but, IMHO, it doesn't work in a song.5) "can dance myself into a state" - what kind of state?6) the "what you say you'd think you see" line(s) left me completely in the dark...it doesn't make sense to me. who are you talking to? winter snow? if so, how does that relate to the rest of the song? and if you ARE talking to winter snow (asking him what he would say he sees from the branches of the tree), then you can't say "hurry up and take me there", b/c it sounds like, in this line, that you're talking to the BUS...and, IMO, you can't address this song to both.7) running naked makes WHO stare? the squirrels? the people on the bus? the people at the new location where it's sunny and green? define "them".8) "all this bamboo"...whoa...where'd the bamboo come from? why are you referencing it? are you, too, a currently "locked up animal at the zoo" who is forced to be satisfied with bamboo? or are you in Japan...or maybe in an IKEA store? just trying to clarify, Lindsey!also, can you tell us WHERE the place is that you're looking forward to escaping to, along with how you plan on getting there via bus instead of airline? (changing climates completely) and here's a thought...if this wonderful place is in your dreams, then you should make the literal "bus stop" idea change to the "dream bus" or something and make the only way you get to this other land be via slumber. the "slumber train" or something like that. just some thoughts...please, please just take it as constructive criticism! i know you probably TOTALLY know what you mean, and it's a good song idea, but you haven't perfected it enough to make the listener understand what's in your head. i am guilty of doing that ALL the time! i mean, I know what the lyric is saying, so what the heck is wrong with everyone else? lol good imagery, regardless - you can keep crafting this and make it better. and, who knows, i could be totally wrong and everyone else might think it's perfect. oh, i do like the couplet about being bare except for the daisy chain you wear. my guess is that you are originally a poet, no? good luck! erin

[linziellen]

I'm sat here laughing!Well thank you for taking the time to point all that out to me. I thought I'd gotten away with this one going by Tims comments...damn it!OK point taken - all 9 of them I'm so tempted to say "pass the joint" but I won't, I'll just go back and have a rethink lol!Thanks again.

[linziellen]

OK...I'm still laughing.Maybe I could change the title to "Roll Another Fat One"?!?

[momof4]

you're hilarious!

[lopc]

The last I knew of a fattie being rolled was me in NYC in Central Park. Honestly, I will be the first to admit that different continents breed different interpretations regarding the written word. In America, the hint of your lyric leans toward being released from prison, escaping from a POW camp in Vietnam, or finally getting the hell out of the city and moving to the country. OR being on drugs. I'm leaning toward finally getting out of the slums or confinement of the city and moving to where the air is pure and the flora and fauna abound! If this is the meaning, you nailed it. Let me know if I'm close and I'll comment in that regard, or just say thanks and I'll keep my yap shut!

[lopc]

Hold on. A revelation. How about a young lady discouraged by her childhood anticipations of the greatness of her home city and the amazement of heaven on earth that could never possibly change? In her eyes, too much crime, adversity, or whatever has risen to squash her dillusional dreams of perfection? Where has Momma and Papa gone? Have they resolved themselves to this life while their flower has chosen to locate in more suitable climes......to grow unemcumbered by the harshness of lessons learned? How much change through the years have turned her from one of wide-eyed wonderment of the beauty of her surroundings and the smiles of her fellow men to eyes cast downward to pavement when strangers pass to avoid the expected conflict and discomfort? Is this to be construed as a move from one city of wonderment to another on the same continent? Nay.........probably not. Just a thought.

[Casey H]

Quote:The Bus Stop Song © 2008 Lindsey Ellen Jolivet Snow is falling round my feetI've always lived on this cold streetThey say miss flower winter sweetCan't spread her roots in our concreteSo I'm just waiting for a busMe my flower the both of usTo take me from their silly fussAnd leave them something to discussOh and I can't waitPlease bus don't be lateIt’s green grass all the way for meI can smell the fresh airHurry up and take me thereWhere I can dance myself into a state What'd you say you think you seeFrom the branches of your grey ash treeWinter snow I dare to disagree Running naked makes them stareAll but this daisy chain I'm bareIt's just a dream but I'll get thereI've reached the point where I don't careSo what if I stand out from youLocked up animals at the zooThere's so much I just got to doNot satisfied with all this bamboo Oh and I can't waitPlease bus don't be lateIt’s green grass all the way for meI can smell the fresh airHurry up and take me thereWhere I can dance myself into a state What'd you say you think you seeFrom the branches of your grey ash treeWinter snow I dare to disagreeHi Lindz As always you do a nice job with words and imagery. Here is my constructive feedback...I don't get a sense of a chorus that has a hook phrase to hang your hat on. The structure of the chorus appears to be a short section and then a long one (if I read it right):Oh and I can't waitPlease bus don't be lateIt’s green grass all the way for meI can smell the fresh airHurry up and take me thereWhere I can dance myself into a state What'd you say you think you seeFrom the branches of your grey ash treeWinter snow I dare to disagreeI think it would be better to have a shorter chorus, one section, that has your hook line, be it something about not wanting the bus to be late, can't wait to get there, whatever... What do you want the listener to be singing in their head all day after they listen?I have to agree with momof4 (never argue with Mom ) that it's hard to tell what the song is about. I am a child of the 60's and grew up on all those songs with vague or cryptic lyrics but in today's world that doesn't fly. When I first started writing and sending songs to publishers, my lyric sheets would come back marked with "I don't know what this song is about"... That was a lesson. My "great" works of art were of value only to me.You need to tell a story in a more direct way... but don't lose the imagery. You have a talent for imagery and just need to use those images to support a story. (Assuming you are writing to pitch commercially... For art you only have to please yourself)...One technique that helps some people is to do a storyboard outline of your song... e.g. What do you want to tell the listener in verse 1? In verse 2? Chorus? Bridge? Think these things through with out regard to any specific lyrics, rhymes, etc.I hope I haven't been too tough on you... Warmest, Casey

[linziellen]

Thank you I'm in complete agreement with you all! I think what happened here is that I totally lost myself in the scene and forgot about everyone else. YES...I like some of the ideas in this lyric but is it actually saying anything...NO! It was an attempt at "happy hippie", get me out of the rat race kind of thing. I was trying to steer from my usual attitude packed song and make for something a little softer!Thanks again for the constructive feedback, it helps me soooo much, without it I'd keep spilling out this kind of thing without getting anywhere at all... But I'm getting there, I don't need no orange and green, flowery bus...I got you guys lol!Lindsey PS - I'm printing these comments and putting it away for a snowy day!