HELP! I need my lyrics reviewed fast!

[hummingbird]

Looks like you got the right idea I'll keep an eye out for your re-writes. Happy Thanksgiving right back at ya (I had mine last month but what the heck)cheersH

[toncart]

Ok, here is the 10th rewrite. I think this is the best yet. I changed quite a bit this time. The chorus is stronger and some of the lines that I didn't like above were completely changed along with all of verse II. I have incorporated a ton of poker lingo. Many people won't get it, but I will disect the lines at the bottom. Again, thank you for your help and for pushing me on this to make it better. “Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m all in and it’s gonna be a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waitin to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI'm gonna take what I've wonIt’s bound to be a glorious sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doI’m gonna double up my take before the hand is throughPre Chorus:I’m all in and it’s gonna be a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waitin to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI'm gonna take what I've wonIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and bust em out of sightAll my chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, hit me now…Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I bet it all in and I thought it was a guaranteeBut the big dog at the table laid em down and it busted meOutro Chorus:When the dealin was doneAnd the other guy wonI was thinkin that it can’t be rightI left it all on the table, I thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, that’s the way life goes…sometimes you hit and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.Ok, here is the lingo breakdown. I actually got this stuff from poker sites:under the gun-means pressure to bet firstto the limit-means max betfillin up the house-working on a full housebankin- means betting or taking your chancesroll-next cardrolling the dice-another term for betting or taking a chancerake it all- take the potHitting The Nuts- best possible hand on the tableputting on the heat- pressuring by betting aggressivelyaces up-two pairs, aces and something elsedouble up-win 2x the chips in a given handbluff- giving the impression of a greater handbust out- eliminate players from gamestock- chips earned or money on the tablelock- sure winnerhouse-full houseshow-the showdown or showing your cards to see who winsbig dog-the underdog who's chances of winning are slimbusted-eliminated from game

[horacejesse]

Toncart,You only have lyrics so far?I was a pro poker player for almost 20 years. Didn't do much else. Had more then too. OK.Being poets (at their best) songwriters partake in the generosities of poetic license too. Things can be said sometimes without proper grammar, without complete sentences, without the words in the most reasonable order, and the list goes on to include more so-called improprieties than we have a description for.More importantly, does it feel right, does it sing right and does the meaning or complex of possible meanings intended find its way through to the listeners?I know exactly what you mean by "But I m' rolling the dice for a card I'm a waiting to see," but it still bothers me. Though both "images" are from the gambling world, they still seem mixed. In private games anything goes, so you could be describing some hybrid game. I have played in and invented more than a few of those myself. But by the third verse one is able to sort of reason out that you are probably playing seven-card stud, since the last card is coming down, which is not the case in hold'em or Omaha.Also, the "hole" and the "pocket" are the same thing in poker, as far as I ever knew. Your player is either a cheater or playing a "bastard" game, for he already seems to have four unrevealed cards, and he should have no more than three by the end of the hand in stud. At the end of your hand he seems to have five!Though it is possible to be drawing at two pair and a four-flush at the same time in stud, why befuddle the casual listener with such mathematical minutia? You want to widen your market potential, right? And of course you do not want an accidental impossibility embedded in your song. Ahem!Allow me to scold you for one more thing and at the same time I will scold myself for the same thing.I usually distrust "country-isms," like froggy went a-courtin and a-waiting to see. Jeeze, I did it myself recently. But I had been teetering between using it or not and actually had forgotten to erase it before I submitted. Specifically it was "a-workin'.How is this for co-incidence? This occurred in my own poker song. Yes, I have one, as might be expected. If that is not enough we both have a spoken line without music at the end. At least mine is after the last line of music. Phew! Happy to report that we use different lines.

[horacejesse]

P.S.Unless this is a limit game you can't push it to the limit.

[hummingbird]

I like this re-write, I think the chorus is stronger. There are some good points above. I'm glad to see you reworking and rewriting.....that second line in your first verse still stops the flow for me

[toncart]

horacejesse, this is exactly the expertice I need. I understand that hole and pocket are the same thing. I'll re-think that and use one or the other, not both. I understand the confusion on the "rolling the dice" line. I could use "betting the house" instead. I know what you mean about the country-isms. It's killing me when I write the "em" and "a" to get the phrasing right. Remember it's going to be a fast song and the words are going to roll pretty fast. Pretty much like Travis Tritt doing TROUBLE or something about that speed. The movie is a "mockumentory" of my small hometown in Indiana. It's hard for me not to even write the word "son" in there after every line if you know what I mean. I will do some more work tonight. I really think this is getting better and better. Thanks for your help and please stop back to give more input. Thanks again! Tony

[horacejesse]

The mixed metaphor is not as egregious as the other items I listed IMO. It may be that a screener would give you thumbs up on that line. But it sort of makes me think of cribbage.You guys must be playing a hybrid game because in traditional 5-stud there are four up cards and one down. That is why I thought it was 7-stud when the last card came down, plus the fact that you can draw to two pair and a flush at the same time in 7-stud.I have played a variation of 5-stud where the last one comes down. You can also do it hi-lo split, though five-stud is a poor hi-lo game. 5-stud itself is pretty much passe in poker terms. Although they may play it sometimes at the Bellagio big table, those millionaires are just fighting boredom and paying homage to tradition.But since that is what you guys are playing and the song is for a documentary about that, it is the only game that makes sense for the song and the movie.

[toncart]

Ok, this is where I am now. I haven't been able to let go of the "rollin the dice" line yet. It just sounds good to me and flows better than anything else I can think of. I fixed line 3 of the 1st verse by saying "aces on the table and queens in the hole". Also changed line 3 of the bridge. The second line of the last pre-chorus has been changed to flow better. Line 2 of the outro-chorus has been changed too. I can't think of anything for verse 1 line 2 yet. This will stick unless I come up with something better. Who knows, I've re-written this at least 20 times know so anything can happen. Check it all out if you have time. I'll post the current lyrics below. It's getting much tighter and the confusion about the poker game should be taken care of. I'm feeling good about this. It should sound like a game of 7 card. Also, if only a professional poker player sees a slight glitch in the wording, do I sacrifice a good line for that? Poker is the backdrop to this movie. The movie is really about some buddies that always get "Hit in the Nuts" in life. Please, chime in here. If you have a line suggestion, let me know. “Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m all in and I’m feeling like a winner to be But I’m rollin the dice for the last one coming to meChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna take what I’ve wonIt’s bound to be a glorious sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doI’m gonna double up my take before the hand is throughPre Chorus: I’m all in and I’m feeling like a winner to be But I’m rollin the dice for the last one coming to meChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna take what I’ve wonIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll my chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got...Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I bet it all in and I thought it was a guaranteeBut the big dog at the table laid em down and he busted meOutro Chorus:When the dealin was doneAnd that other guy wonI was thinkin that it can’t be rightI left it all on the table, I thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.

[davewalton]

Quote:Also, if only a professional poker player sees a slight glitch in the wording, do I sacrifice a good line for thatThe first thing I thought of when I read your question is how many times I've watched a film and as a former professional software/computer guy, I'd see all kinds of things in scenes that involve a computer that just don't happen or work that way in real life. Most people wouldn't notice so in the case of a movie, they go for the "feel" of the scene (for the majority of viewers) rather than for technical accuracy (for the minority of viewers). My vote would be to go for the item that will please the majority of listeners (the great line).

[edteja]

The only comment I would make is that regardless of how much you like rolling the dice in the song, or how logical it can be, it seems to bother all of us, and will probably bother casual listeners, simply from the standpoint of "what game did he say this was?" I agree that small errors of fact are not going to keep the song from working though. But anything that does distract the average listener will be a negative.Good progress.