HELP! I need my lyrics reviewed fast!

[hummingbird]

This just gets better and better! I still feel that the chorus is a weak & I had a couple of suggestions for other lines, they follow.Note: there is a little "timing" thing between the prechorus, which says "I'm all in" and the bridge, which says "I’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sight" - you can't raise when you're all in.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m RAISIN', YEAH, I’m bankin on a winner to be I’m bettin’ Lady Luck TURNS UP the card I needChorus:yeah, I’m Hitting the Nuts tonight!GONNA HIT THE BIG ONESTACK UP THE THE LOOT I've wonIt’s bound to be a glorious sightI’ll rake it all in - I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doI’m gonna double up my take before THIS hand is throughPre Chorus:I’m RAISIN', YEAH, I’m bankin on a winner to be I’m bettin’ Lady Luck TURNS UP the card I needChorus:yeah, I’m Hitting the Nuts tonight!GONNA HIT THE BIG ONESTACK UP THE THE LOOT I've wonIt’s bound to be a glorious sightI’ll rake it all in - I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll my chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got…Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I WENT all in - KNEW THE POT WAS guaranteedBut the big dog at the table laid em down and busted meOutro Chorus:When the dealin was doneBIG OL' BOBBY JOE wonI was thinkin that it COULDN'T be rightHE SHOWED FOUR THREES - I HAD BULLETS OVER QUEENSSO I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightNO, I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hummin'bird

[aubreyz]

Take the following for what it’s worth. I’m just throwing out ideas. Hope it’s helpful. My first impression is that the story is a bit weak. This is a good description of a card game, but I don’t get any sense of the actual characters involved (like in The Gambler for instance). That said, for a film placement, there seems to be less need for a complete story – so it could very well work in that setting. There are a few things that struck me as awkward—I’ll comment in context below:Verse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin one(I’m, or I am only needing one seems too wordy. Why not just – I only need one. Ahh… you’re matching the form elsewhere. If matching the form creates an awkward wording.. there may be a better line – I now have a mirror that I’m speaking to, because this is one of my weaker tendencies. Another thing about these two lines – they assume the listener knows the context before the song reveals the context. The I’m only needing one is also vague in meaning. One what? Later it’s clear that’s a card, but at this point all the imagery is bet, gun, limit and need one. It’s a jeopardy puzzle to know that’s a card…. So, all that to say, it would be good to introduce the needed card here).With aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and bankin on the roll(I don’t get the last line here. Are you filling up the house, drawing a crowd, or is your bet so big that the house will have more money. – also, what roll are you banking on? Dice? Your wad of money? I like the flow of these words, but they don’t seem to attach to the story well)Pre Chorus:I’m all in and I’m feeling like a winner to be(Nobody says winner to be. Aren’t you feeling like a winner already?)But I’m rollin the dice for the last one coming to me(sounds like you’ve bounced around the mixed metaphor issue here. I’d rather hear something about odds, and once again.. last one is vague… you need a last card. )Chorus:When the dealins all done(all is a filler word here, or maybe just in the wrong place – when all the dealin’s done)I’m gonna take what I’ve won(I’ve—I have, seems awkward)It’s bound to be a glorious sight(this is where I kind of think the story is weak. I’m gonna take what I’ve won, and do what with it? Glorious sight doesn’t seem to fit what a poker player would say about his winnings. Why does he want to win?)I’ll rake it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat(how are you putting on heat? Aren’t you more feeling the heat?)I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna do(there might be a chance here for some more poker imagery. The table is looking for a tell, not just wondering. Are you wearing a poker face, or trying to bluff? There’s some more character interaction that could happen here)I’m gonna double up my take before the hand is through(not a bad line, but this idea has already been introduced. Break down the meaning/story of the first verse and chorus. 1st – I’m gonna win Chorus – I’m gonna win 2nd – I’m gonna win. The second verse should take the idea somewhere else.)Pre Chorus:I’m all in and I’m feeling like a winner to beBut I’m rollin the dice for the last one coming to meChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna take what I’ve wonIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge:Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my right(but what are they doing? Are they sweating-worried? Are they bluffing? There’s another chance here to take the story somewhere)I’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll my chips are in, I’m already takin stock(how are you gonna raise with all your chips in --- once again, I’d like to be hearing some reasons why… some story behind the actions)When the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo:(spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got...Verse IIIWith the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big winkThe house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I bet it all in and I thought it was a guarantee(just an idea – what if you mentioned three queens here – something like I didn’t think twice about my three queens, or I thought I was king with my three queens… not the right rhythm of course – would need tweaking)But the big dog at the table laid em down and he busted me(then here the big dog has three kings – or maybe use Bobby Joe or Billy, the three kings made a joker out of me)Outro Chorus:When the dealin was doneAnd that other guy won(why not use a name you’ve introduced)I was thinkin that it can’t be right(maybe something more along the lines of I couldn’t believe my eyes)I left it all on the table, I thought that I was able(I thought my hand was able?)But I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down

[toncart]

Thanks Aub for taking the time to comment. I greatly appreciate it. I only have about 2 and a half minutes to tell a story. On top of that, I need to have mentioned "Hitting the Nuts" in the 1st 45 sec or sooner. A lot of the lines that I have are direct poker references. Here are some examples:house= looking for a full house/in my line "I'm fillin up the house means that I have two pair and I'm waitin on the last card.roll- another term for a card being dealt. Rolling the cards means dealing the cards or turning up a card.Puttin on the heat- is a term used when players bet high to squeeze out other players and force them to fold.I made some other changes. I took out the character names and replaced them with the cards. There is some other stuff. I'll post the changes below. I'm really tired right now. I'm going to sleep on this one.“Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and waiting on the roll Pre Chorus:I’ll bet it all in, it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m playin the odds for a card that I can’t seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’ll be the lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetMy poker face is ready, this is what I’m gonna doI’ll call another round and then I’ll raise it through the roofPre Chorus: I’ll bet it all in, it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m playin the odds for a card that I can’t seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’ll be the lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: I’ve got deuces on my left and kings on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll the chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got…Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I laid em all down and thought it was a guaranteeBut to my surprise I was beaten by my companyOutro Chorus:When the dealin was done And a better hand won I was thinking that it can’t be rightI left it all on the tableI thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.

[aubreyz]

Quote:Thanks Aub for taking the time to comment. I greatly appreciate it. I only have about 2 and a half minutes to tell a story. On top of that, I need to have mentioned "Hitting the Nuts" in the 1st 45 sec or sooner. A lot of the lines that I have are direct poker references. Here are some examples:house= looking for a full house/in my line "I'm fillin up the house means that I have two pair and I'm waitin on the last card.roll- another term for a card being dealt. Rolling the cards means dealing the cards or turning up a card.Puttin on the heat- is a term used when players bet high to squeeze out other players and force them to fold.I made some other changes. I took out the character names and replaced them with the cards. There is some other stuff. I'll post the changes below. I'm really tired right now. I'm going to sleep on this one.Well... I've played quite a bit of online poker, but never a real casino table... so those phrases didn't click.You are making good progress. This last read flowed a lot better. The only line that really stopped me in my tracks was the "company" one, but I'm tired too... I'll take a fresh read tomorrow.Aub

[toncart]

This is the ending so far. I need to work on it a little bit more but it tells a better story of how he got beat. I didn't like using "little" twice in back to back lines 1 and 2 so I replaced line 1 with the word "quick". I also think I was trying to use too much poker lingo in the beginning (the big dog etc..) and it just wasn't clear to the average person what I was talking about. This ending tells what the hand was that beat him. I really like this ending. Verse III With the last card down, I take a quick peekA little red queens givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I laid em all down thinkin it would be just grandBut to my surprise I was beaten by a better handOutro Chorus:He had a grin on his faceAs he showed another aceAnd his king took my queen by surprise I lost it all playin pokerI was feelin like a jokerWhen I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight(2x)I left it all on the tableI thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightSpoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.

[toncart]

(Latest lyric update 11/26/06 6:00 pm)Hitting The Nuts In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and waiting on the roll Pre Chorus:I’ll bet it all in, it’s got to be a winner for meBut I’m playin the odds for a card that I can’t seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’ll be a lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetMy poker face is ready, this is what I’m gonna doI’ll call another round and then I’ll raise it through the roofPre Chorus: I’ll bet it all in, it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m playin the odds for a card that I can’t seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’ll be a lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: I’ve got deuces on my left and kings on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll the chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got…Verse III With the last card down, I take a quick peekA little red queens givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I laid em all down thinkin it would be just grandBut to my surprise I was beaten by a better handOutro Chorus:He had a grin on his faceAs he showed another aceAnd his king took my queen by surprise I lost it all playin pokerI was feelin like a jokerWhen I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight(2x)I left it all on the tableI thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightSpoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.

[andreh]

Toncart-Glad to see so many people helping you on this; it's forum feedback at its finest.For my small contribution, I'd like to suggest informalizing the tagline and title - "Hittin' The Nuts." You have informal word forms peppered throughout the song ("needin," "dealin," "aint") so I assume you're in that frame of mind with the vibe...this sounds much more natural and less stiff to me.If you decide to rap over any of it, you could even go so far as calling it "Hittin' Da Nutz." Andre

[aubreyz]

Get's better each time! Kudos to you toncart for weeding through all the advice and working so hard to improve. The results are well worth all the trouble!Overall, the imagery is better... there's more feeling and story. My suggestion now is to take a step back, and give it another hard look. Are there any filler words? Any awkward unnatural wordings? (I'm just repeating some good advice that I've been given)A couple of points:Pre Chorus:I’ll bet it all in, it’s got to be a winner for meBut I’m playin the odds for a card that I can’t seeBut and that are just fillers. I'm not sure of the melodic fit, but from a reading standpoint, without those it seems to flow more naturally.I’m playin the odds for a card I can’t seeIMHO this phrase is still awkwardPre Chorus:I laid em all down thinkin it would be just grandBut to my surprise I was beaten by a better handIt would be just grand... just seems out of place, and not typical for someone to say. This may not work, but might spawn an idea at least. The phrase "The river hit me bigger than the Rio Grande but he drowned my stack with a better hand" just came to mind.Aub

[toncart]

Aub, your comments are much appreciated. I'm going to drop the "but" and "that" in the 1st 2 pre-chorus sections. I'm with you on the last pre-chrous. I'm not sold on it either. I think the other lines are solid, but these two lines are not ready yet. Andreh, thanks for your comments. I know that I do a lot of "country" talk in the song and the title seems like it should be "Hittin the Nuts" rather than "Hitting the Nuts", but I want keep it consistent with the movie theme for now. That could all change later though. I guess the title can reamin "Hitting the Nuts" and I can change the line in the song to "Hittin the Nuts". My singer will probably sing it that way anyhow. He's pretty darn country. A lot of the phrasing and flow of the song depends on Mark's (my singer) voice and how he see's the line. I pretty much know which syllables he will hold on certain words. I agree that the flow does not seem right when just reading it, but he will do his thing when he sings it. Now, Like Aub said, I need to tidy up the last pre-chorus section and then step back and look for any unnatural words, filler words that aren't needed, and anything else that could detract the listener. It's almost there! Thanks to all for pushing me on this. I could have been satisfied 30 re-writes ago, but now I'm not going to be satisfied. I want to be for sure!

[toncart]

How about this for the song ending. Will this pre-chorus fly? Storywise, It flows right in to the outro-chorus. It's definately better than what I had. Verse III With the last card down, I take a quick peekA little red queens givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I threw my cards down, thinkin it was guaranteedThen I was taken by surprise by the guy sittin next to meOutro Chorus:He had a grin on his faceAs he showed another aceAnd his king took my queen by surprise I lost it all playin pokerI was feelin like a jokerWhen I didn’t Hit the Nuts tonightI left it all on the tableI thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit the Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.