Ok, who wants to help me with these lyrics?

[toncart]

I specialize in writing "weak" lyrics so here is my attempt to get the ball rolling on something "stronger". Please help if you can. I already have a melody in mind for this country inspired love song. I've actually had the melody and what limited words here for several years. It's been on hold basically because I want to really tell a story with this. This is the first line of the verse:"A kiss and then goodnight my love for the time to leave is nearAnd if at this moment I do not goI'll never leave I fear"Yeah, well, that's all I have for now. Bring it on you lyric experts. Let's make a hit.

[daffsongwriter]

Quote:I specialize in writing "weak" lyrics so here is my attempt to get the ball rolling on something "stronger". Please help if you can. I already have a melody in mind for this country inspired love song. I've actually had the melody and what limited words here for several years. It's been on hold basically because I want to really tell a story with this. This is the first line of the verse:"A kiss and then goodnight my love for the time to leave is nearAnd if at this moment I do not goI'll never leave I fear"Yeah, well, that's all I have for now. Bring it on you lyric experts. Let's make a hit. In my experience I find, I write a few lyrics like you have here, then I work from that, more comes to mind to add to the story, then I will go back to it and alter it, maybe a few weeks later, then it is a lot stronger.Hang in there and keep thinking, more will come trust me.Over the weekend as I am not at work if I think of advance on that I will post you.Daff xx

[toncart]

I really want to tell a great love story. I'm committed to work on the words alone for at least a year to get the story right. I want it to be a heartbreaking love song. I really want some emotion from this. If anyone has any directional ideas for a story, I'm game to listen.

[edteja]

toncart,The last two lines have the ring of older style poetry. Think more conversationally. "I'll never leave I fear" sounds like Joyce Kilmer. And here you haven't given a story line, so much as a scene--a farewll scene. I would suggest you outline the entire story you want to convey in the song. You are going to have to compress it, and it appears that you want to find the most poingent moments to highlight. Is the scene of saying goodbye as the point in which the singer makes the decision to leave? Depends on your story. It will also help if you work the music along with the lyric so that the words and music can reflect and support each other. You might get "perfect" lyrics, and then find that the "perfect" melody doesn't work with it.

[daffsongwriter]

oh there's a point (working lyrics along with tune), I shall bear that in mind myself, good point. xx

[matto]

Quote:"A kiss and then goodnight my love for the time to leave is nearAnd if at this moment I do not goI'll never leave I fear"I like this, however (as Ed has pointed out) it's not a hit song lyric. It's an older style poetry lyric, like what you'd hear in a traditional old folk song, or maybe some Irish song.For contemporary hit songs you need to, as Jason Blume says "think Wal-mart not Hallmark" .The lyrics need to be conversational, not "poetry".I think you could make this lyric into a fantastic trad style Irish love song, to be used in film and tv. But not into any type of contemporary song (ok, unless you're Sting maybe... ).If you chose to do the former, the part you have actually sounds more like a chorus to me...the song could open with the chorus, then have the verses be telling the backstory that leads to this "goodbye" episode...matto

[pogodog]

toncart, Singer Songwriter Mark Erelli has carved a contemporary sound into what is very much a traditional folk format. He knows what to keep old and what to polish new. I think this might be a wonderful inspiration song for you to study... or at its very least - a good listen :Artist/Band:Mark ErelliLyrics for Song: My LoveLyrics for Album: Compass and CompanionMy love I see the shadows fill your eyesYour smile is but a thinly veiled disguiseCould it be you've grown dissatisfiedWith meMy love I know a heart's not black and whiteBut I can tell when something isn't rightCould it be you've lost your appetiteFor meI've heard that love can slip away without a warningJust like the way that you made up your mindBut everything looks different in the morningSo darlin' think it over one more timeMy love the skies would turn from grey to blueIf I could only change your point of viewCan't you see what losing you would doTo meI've heard that love can slip away without a warningJust like the way that you made up your mindBut when I saw the way you looked at me this morningI thought I'd gotten through to you this timeMy love have all my fears come true at lastSo slow the hours and minutes seem to passCould it be you're never coming backTo mein closing, as my eglish teacher used to say " Write, write, write, write Right. "

[jchitty]

Here's my rewrite for your lyrics, Toncart. A smack on the cheekWould make it all completeAnd if I nibble on your toeI fear I'll never goSorry, that's a bit racy, but it's what popped into my head.

[lwj001]

Hello toncart. Tell all these know-it-alls to jump in the lake. Go with your heart feelings. Actually, I like the "older style". Those are the ones that become "evergreens", able to be performed through generations. Here's my version of you stanza:A kiss and then goodnight my love Such times are never right, my dearBut if at this moment I do not goThen 'nere shall be my flight, I fearhttp://www.pic-a-pagediscounts.com/Real_Country_Lyrics.html

[pogodog]

Would that be " lake lwj001" where everyone is free to swim among your version of toncart's feelings ? Beautiful Stanza... I might add.