"Without First Changin' Me"

[gonecountry]

Hey Everyone, I am totally new to this message board, but I have heard great things about Taxi, so I figured I'd post and get some critique on my latest work. I used to play in a simple pop-punk band that wrote silly lyrics and just pretty much had fun, but I have since grown up an bit and got more and more into country music and the other night while I went for a walk this song just sort of came to me. I know that it still needs some work, like a bridge and whatnot, but I'd love to hear some thoughts from you guys on my first try at writing a country song. Any advice is welcome, good or bad. Thanks for checking out these lyrics and offering an opinion.Jeffrey"Without First Changin' Me" (c) JKmusicwerks 2006We’ve all been down this road beforeEach and everyoneAnd rather than just face the truth We duck our heads and runAnd while you may not understand itThis I know is trueI’m lying here in this bedAnd wondering what to doSo I go walkin’ down this old dirt road Thinkin’ about my lifeAnd all the bad decisions I’ve madeAnd how it’s time to make them rightI’m gonna say sorry to my motherAnd my father tooPut our pasts behind usEven if you don’t want toI have learned so many timesThings aren’t always meant to beBut I can’t change this whole worldWithout first changing meNow I have seen some tough roadsAnd my share of hard timesEven took two dozen pillsTo try and end my lifeBut the good lord stopped me shortGuess it wasn’t my time to goBut through it all I’ve learned some thingsAnd this is what I knowThat I’m walkin’ down this old dirt road Thinkin’ about my lifeAnd all the bad decisions I’ve madeAnd how It’s time to make them rightI’m gonna say sorry to my motherAnd my father tooPut our pasts behind usEven if you don’t want toI have learned so many timesThings aren’t always meant to beBut I can’t change this whole worldWithout first changing me

[johnnydean1]

Quote:Hey Everyone, I am totally new to this message board, but I have heard great things about Taxi, so I figured I'd post and get some critique on my latest work. I used to play in a simple pop-punk band that wrote silly lyrics and just pretty much had fun, but I have since grown up an bit and got more and more into country music and the other night while I went for a walk this song just sort of came to me. I know that it still needs some work, like a bridge and whatnot, but I'd love to hear some thoughts from you guys on my first try at writing a country song. Any advice is welcome, good or bad. Thanks for checking out these lyrics and offering an opinion.Jeffrey"Without First Changin' Me" (c) JKmusicwerks 2006We’ve all been down this road beforeEach and everyoneAnd rather than just face the truth We duck our heads and runAnd while you may not understand itThis I know is trueI’m lying here in this bedAnd wondering what to doSo I go walkin’ down this old dirt road Thinkin’ about my lifeAnd all the bad decisions I’ve madeAnd how it’s time to make them rightI’m gonna say sorry to my motherAnd my father tooPut our pasts behind usEven if you don’t want toI have learned so many timesThings aren’t always meant to beBut I can’t change this whole worldWithout first changing meNow I have seen some tough roadsAnd my share of hard timesEven took two dozen pillsTo try and end my lifeBut the good lord stopped me shortGuess it wasn’t my time to goBut through it all I’ve learned some thingsAnd this is what I knowThat I’m walkin’ down this old dirt road Thinkin’ about my lifeAnd all the bad decisions I’ve madeAnd how It’s time to make them rightI’m gonna say sorry to my motherAnd my father tooPut our pasts behind usEven if you don’t want toI have learned so many timesThings aren’t always meant to beBut I can’t change this whole worldWithout first changing meIf you are not willing to accept advice and or criticism don't ask for it and most of all don't post on a public forum.Keep it in the bedroom!

[gonecountry]

I've got no problem what so ever with criticism that's why I would post it on a board...you can't really grow in any area of life without criticism and I realize this. the criticism i received wasn't anything to do with what I wrote so much as how I was silly for thinking about money and fame and I never think about that stuff. I just love writing lyrics and if someone likes them and wants to turn them into a song with me cool if not that's cool too. I just like writing and don't care about much more... criticism is cool with me, but at least be fair and criticize the lyrics which is what I wanted when i posted this here so I could grow by learning from other, more experienced writers, but I had shots takin at me as a person and that seems a bit unfair to me. I do want some criticism on the lyrics for my own sake to become a better writer, so if you have some for me I'd love to hear it.

[johnnydean1]

Quote:I've got no problem what so ever with criticism that's why I would post it on a board...you can't really grow in any area of life without criticism and I realize this. the criticism i received wasn't anything to do with what I wrote so much as how I was silly for thinking about money and fame and I never think about that stuff. I just love writing lyrics and if someone likes them and wants to turn them into a song with me cool if not that's cool too. I just like writing and don't care about much more... criticism is cool with me, but at least be fair and criticize the lyrics which is what I wanted when i posted this here so I could grow by learning from other, more experienced writers, but I had shots takin at me as a person and that seems a bit unfair to me. I do want some criticism on the lyrics for my own sake to become a better writer, so if you have some for me I'd love to hear it.Jeffrey,I strongly suggest you try the site's I mentioned on the other thread.You may well have considerable talent,I'm not big on lyrics so I don't know.Your lyric looks OK but until a lyric is sung you can't really tell.I can write a great lyric on paper but just doesn't work vocally.Conversely,I can sing a lyric that's great to sing but the content is absolute crap.You need to learn this stuff and it's unlikely anybody here could help you in a positive way except maybe H,bird but her visits here are sporadic.So to sum up,you have had definite interest from,Andre,Anastacia and Mick and you now have at least two websites that WILL help you.Just thought of a third.www.songramp.comOne other thing,if you go to Irene's there's a guy there,I think his name is Bob,he has moved back to Nashville after an absence of several years and he is trying to network his way back in to the writing fraternity.It makes fascinating and eye opening reading.Lastly,Modern Country is just Rock and Pop with a Country twist.the production's are amazing and the musicianship incredible.The last thing that I really liked was Whiskey Lullaby,a fantastic lyrical concept,plus melody and performance.What did you think?J.

[hummingbird]

Hey Jeff, I have a few comments. Mostly I find the song is too wordy & the hook is too obscure. Comments below....We’ve all been down this road before (what road?)Each and everyoneAnd rather than just face the truth (what truth?)We duck our heads and runAnd while you may not understand it (who is 'you'?)This I know is trueI’m lying here in this bed (you know it's true you're lying in bed?)And wondering what to do (about?)So I go walkin’ down this old dirt road Thinkin’ about my lifeAnd all the bad decisions I’ve madeAnd how it’s time to make them rightI’m gonna say sorry to my motherAnd my father too (I like it up to here)Put our pasts behind usEven if you don’t want to (who is you? you just said my father & my mother, we don't know who you are talking to)I have learned so many timesThings aren’t always meant to beBut I can’t change this whole worldWithout first changing meNow I have seen some tough roads (too similar to chorus)And my share of hard timesEven took two dozen pillsTo try and end my lifeBut the good lord stopped me shortGuess it wasn’t my time to goBut through it all I’ve learned some thingsAnd this is what I knowI think you could edit the chorus down. It's too long and meandering. Perhaps part of it could be a bridge. The hook is grammatically awkward. {It also begs a philisophical question as to why the guy can't change - the truth is you might not be able to change some things in the world, but the one thing you can change (with work & perserverence) is your own programming.} Here's how I suggest you organize the song:verse 1:I have seen some tough roadsHAD my share of hard timesEven took two dozen pillsTo try and end my lifeBut the good lord stopped me shortGuess it wasn’t my time to goBut through it all I’ve learned some thingsAnd this is what I know (note: you need to work on rhyme scheme)chorus idea:I can’t change the whole worldOR STOP THE INSANITYBUT I CAN START RIGHT HERE AND NOWBY CHANGING me (or something like that)vs 2 idea....I’m gonna say sorry to my motherAnd my father tooPut THE past behind usEven if THEY don’t want to(I'm gonna be a kinder neighbour... etc...)WRITE DOWN all the bad THINGS I’ve DONE(you know) it's time to make them right (note: work on rhyme scheme, must match vs 1)So basically I'm saying turn your premise around and try saying 'the one thing i CAN do is change me'. That's a truth a lot of people could relate to, and in the face of world violence and politics it's a good message to remember that what we do in our own backyard, at work and out in the community does matter, and that is the one place we can have an effect. Just being encouraging and supportive of each other has a value.I hope my comments are helpful. They are just one person's opinion, feel free to keep or sweep.cheersHummin'bird(PS - re my 'sporadic visits' -- I visit here daily whenever I'm at home... I lurk around and read what's happening, and only post when I feel I have something to say.... 'sporadic poster' would be more accurate )

[gonecountry]

I appreciate all of the help and suggestions from you Hummingbird. That is exactly what I was looking for from the Taxi.com message boards and I want to thank you for your input.Johnnydean: Brad Paisley is probably one of the more crafty musicians in the country scene in my opinion right now so most anythign he does works for me... One of my favorite personal songs of his as of late has been "When I Get Where I'm Going"

[matto]

Hi Jeffrey,I actually like the idea "I can't change the world without first changing me". I think it's a good concept that could work well.The problem is that your lyric doesn't do it justice. It's far to vague, talking about a bunch of roads, both real and figurative. There's no details, very little visual imagery... those things are the hallmark of country lyrics, and they are missing in yours.What gave this person the idea they'd have to change themselves?...why does he wanna change the world.?..what's "the road", "the truth"?...what did he do to his father and mother that he's sorry for?These are all questions that should be explored/explained in your lyric.The lyric also has formal problems: a lack of consistency from verse 1 and 2, and a somewhat haphazardous rhyme scheme.You need to make sure your stresses match up in the corresponding lines of your verses, or the lyric can not successfully be set to music.Example:V1:we've ALL been DOWN this ROAD beFOREEach and EV'ry One= ta TA ta TA ta TA ta TA TA ta TA ta TAV2:now I have SEEN some TOUGH roadsand my SHARE of HARD times= ta ta ta TA ta TA ta ta ta TA ta TA taSee how the meter and syllable count are very different? They'll have to match much more closely or it's impossible to use the same melody from verse to verse.I would recommend a good book on lyric writing...the books by Pat Pattison are tops, IMHO.Hope this helps. matto

[johnnydean1]

[quote ]You need to make sure your stresses match up in the corresponding lines of your verses, or the lyric can not successfully be set to music.matto[/quote]Therin lies the problem/question Matto.Jeffrey wants "music set to lyric" so won't the melodist( that's a good word johhny,I wonder if it's original!) accommodate the lyric.So it then becomes the composer's problem.J

[nomiyah]

Jeffrey,The central concept of the song is good. I agree with Vikki that the story-telling could be strengthened.I like the classic meter in the way it starts:We’ve all been down this road beforeEach and everyoneAnd rather than just face the truth We duck our heads and runIt would make sense to keep this meter in all the verses and change it in the chorus or prechorus.I agree with Matt that Pat Pattison writes the best books on lyrics.You have a great attitude about improving your craft, keep it up.Nomi

[matto]

Quote:Quote:You need to make sure your stresses match up in the corresponding lines of your verses, or the lyric can not successfully be set to music.mattoTherin lies the problem/question Matto.Jeffrey wants "music set to lyric" so won't the melodist( that's a good word johhny,I wonder if it's original!) accommodate the lyric.So it then becomes the composer's problem.JI would contend it's not a "lyric" unless the meter matches from verse to verse (among other things). It would be some kind of poetry...Just like it wouldn't really be a "song" if the music varied wildly from verse to verse. I would be some other kind of musical piece.