would like my work critiqued

[djemboy2]

The Old OakVerse 1There’s a house on a hill with an old oak at the side There’s a bridge down the way crossing a river that’s wide And the green hills roll forever, it’s a beautiful sight With a backdrop of mountains their tips covered white Verse 2There’s a house on a hill with an old oak at the side Where I carved out our names with a small pocket knife And the letters we etched in a timeless old tree Say that I’ll always love you long past eternity Chorus I’ll soon be with you angel, this body grows tired I’ll soon be with you angel for soon I’ll expire I’ll soon be with you angel never then will we part I’ll soon be with you angel be still my beating heart Verse 3There’s a house on a hill with an old oak at the side And a single headstone marks the place where you lie A chair by the side of your last resting place Which I sit in for hours and just stare into space Verse 4There’s a house on a hill with an old oak at the side Tended by a lost soul who hasn’t much time It won’t be long now and we’ll be one again There’s been so much pain since I lost you my friend Chorus I’ll soon be with you angel, this body grows tired I’ll soon be with you angel for soon I’ll expire I’ll soon be with you angel never then will we part I’ll soon be with you angel be still my beating heart

[hummingbird]

Hi, this looks like a lovely ballad that could suit a film. I can hear it flowing gently in my mind over a beautiful arpeggio on acoustic guitar with some sweet strings soft in the chorus. It does read well and has good imagery. It feels rather like Danny Boy or other Celtic style ballads with it's use of poetic phrasing (never then will we part).My nit would be that there is not sufficient contrast between the verses and chorus - the chorus has the same meter, the same rhyme scheme, and the same line length as the verses, which I think may lead to the music being too similar -- I'm a fan of establishing contrast between sections in lyrics. I also wonder about the hook not being in the chorus - it typically is. And lastly, I feel like the chorus is a little cliche and isn't as good as the verses. I'd suggest rewriting the chorus to show how the old oak represents your love. You can use a line or two of what you have for a bridge.Also, I feel the 4th verse is less visual than the rest & in a way, is overkill. Let us 'get' the sadness from the story that you've told already (i.e., vs 4 starts to 'tell' rather than 'show'). I'd suggest you trust that what you've said in vs 1, 2 & 3 is enought & drop it. Suggest:The Old OakVerse 1There’s a house on a hill with an old oak at the side There’s a bridge down the way crossing a river that’s wide And the green hills roll forever, it’s a beautiful sight With a backdrop of mountains their tips covered white Verse 2There’s a house on a hill with an old oak at the side Where I carved out our names with a small pocket knife And the letters we etched in a timeless old tree Say that I’ll always love you long past eternity (this line doesn't match the meter of vs 1 last line & might be tough to sing to the same music -- da da DA-da da DA-da da da Da-da da )Chorus Verse 3There’s a house on a hill with an old oak at the side And a single headstone marks the place where you lie THERE'S a chair by the side of your last resting place WHERE I sit in for hours, and just starING into space Chorus Instrumental/Bridgethis old soul doesn't have much time...............................imeChorus Hope my meandering's help somewhatcheersMs 'Bird

[djemboy2]

Ms Bird i was never as happy with the chorus as i was with the verses, so i understand exactley what you mean, and thankyou for the time you took to read it Michael

[53mph]

Hi Djemboy2 (is that your first or last name?)Really nice lyrics. The opening verse seems quite standard but then it changes into something more interesting. I love the image of carved names in old trees.I agree with Hbird on the Chorus though.Also the wording in the chorus is a bit clumsy at times."I’ll soon be with you angel never then will we part"Would you ever say that in normal conversation? Perhaps in Shakespearean England but in contrast to the rest of the lyrics which flow quite naturally it seems forced.Also, this line in the verses has a similar problem."It won’t be long now and we’ll be one again"I'm finding it difficult to sing it along with the meter of the previous lines.Something like "it won't be long now till we're home once again" would fit better (purely with respect to the meter).Ciao

[djemboy2]

Dear 53mph the name is from the instument i play, the djembe, my actual name is michael, thankyou so much for the comments, i know what your saying about the wording and i had this conversation with another person not so long back, i feel that songs allow licsence in how we say things whereas conversation generally doesnt, so no some of the things in that song wouldnt be said in a normal conversation, but i thought it would be a good way to show that this couple were actually very much in love, and were from a time that would have a more flowery description on what they say, particularly in private, you must have heard some of the pet names couples have for each other, 'mr bunny wunny' springs to mind, now you really wouldnt call someone that in a normal everyday situation would you, i think song should still be a medium for flowery and sentimental wording, lets face it with what im seeing on the forums and the way people are getting to the point where it looks like they posted from a Cell phone, this trend for shortening the English language is like watching something beautiful dissapear. i agree that it does need a rewrite, and yes at times the meter is slightly array, if you dont read it as it was written, what i think might be the problem here is that as you can probably appreciate, the version i had in my head worked perfectly, it was tight, it flowed and thats why i posted it, now when you read a set of words on there own, you put your own meter on to them, absolutely understandable, i do it to other peoples work, but if you had a way of knowing the note lengths and rest lengths this problem would be erradicated, obviously you have to know how to read notation, but it needs to be in place, so that songs can be posted with the music notation . Michael