Backwoods Police Blotter

[couchgrouch]

Backwoods Police BlotterNow ol' Rusty's been sheriff since the fiftiesand lockin' people up keeps him in the loopthe local paper knows he's kinda shiftyso they airbrush his photos for an inside scoopnow people down south all love their neighborand pray they don't get led into sinbut they don't read about sports in the weekly paperno, they love the scandals n vandals inthe Backwoods police blotterpeople read it then keep it cos they need itfor skeeter swattersthey padlocked Marge's cafe on Piney roadfor breakin' the county health codesome people sick...nobody killedit was whipped possum milk that filledher homemade twinkiesand Joey Smythe's a gifted young manwho's got doublejointed handson the ferry wheel last yearhe unhooked Mary Hart's brazzierewith just his pinkyand that's how the preacher's daughtergot in the Backwoods police blotterPercy's ragtop had one good windshield wiperit was rainin' hard when he hit that speedtraphis top was leakin' like a Brand X diaperinto the 16 ouncer in his lapwell, Percy chewed half a dozen tic-tacsbut Rusty still smelled beer on himso Percy bribed him with two cold six-packscos God knows...he didn't wanna be in the Backwoods police blotterpeople read it then keep it cos they need itfor skeeter swattersPete ran shine in his paint-chipped Fordhid under a tarp in hollow gourdsone night his whiskey wagon crashedtwo stoned campers thought the flaming flashwas a flying saucerand Joe Jack blew his dad's inheritanceon shady ladies in 12 dollar Sheratonsone cuffed him to a towel rackand said "with breath that bad n teeth that blackyou should be a daily flosser"she was gargling when they caught herit's all in the Backwoods police blotterforget the Times and the Postwhat folks wanna read the mostis the Backwoods police blotterthe Backwoods police blotternow doncha doubt itextra, extra...read all about itin the Backwoods police blotter(c)2006 Robert George