.

[Laszewski]

[jefflaplante]

Hi,
Love your lyrics. And I really dug the singer/songwriter vibe. I'd say you have to work on your singing though. Listen to some of the forwarded pieces in the forum and listen to what has been successful.

[Casey H]

Hi
The lyrics are interesting but probably would fit a genre like metal, goth metal, etc. They don't go well with this slow droning singer-songwriter approach.

Musically, the song labors along way too slowly to keep interest. It drones on and on. And it's WAAAAAAAAAAY too long! It's almost 7 1/2 minutes. You have to get your songs down to 3-4 minutes.

I think you have lyrical talent. You might want to try applying some of these lyrics to something with a faster tempo in a more appropriate genre. Listen to some acts that use these types of lyrics and go from there. Also, consider collaborating with someone on the music side.

Best of luck
Casey

[orest]

Interesting lyrics!
Think the strumming guitar is really nice as well, but you need to work a lot on the vocal melody.
All those long notes makes it rather uninteresting in the long run.
Try to sing a more melodic and faster melody, that will also make the song shorter.

[hummingbird]

Hi - I appreciate the imagery and ideas contained in this lyric. As I read the lyric, I was picturing the French revolution. It seemed like this would be a folk song or, as Casey mentioned, goth metal. But the line "she never voted in her life" brought me up short, and took me away from the fantasy that had been created. I wanted to stay in the late 1700's, and that line brought me to modern times.

I totally support your creative process in working on this. The words mean something specific to you and you've written a melody that reflects this feeling. However, I would strongly urge you to let go of the music you have, and start again. I would recommend that you first decide what you want to say with the music, and what genre/sub genre would best support the strong imagery and story of the lyric. If, for example, you decided that this is going to be goth, then I would research goth artists and songs and really listen to them. The rythm, the instrumentation, how melody is used, how phrases are sung. Allow yourself to soak that up, and then begin to write music in that style. As others have said, the present melody is too long and too sustained to support interest.

HTH. Don't be discouraged. Never give up.

warmly
Hummingbird