"Incongruous" vs. "twist"

[coxnvox7]

Just received a return and mostly agreed with the critique. I know how high-bar the country listings are so I didn't expect a forward. There was one thing about the comments that I questioned and that had to do with the idea of the last chorus being incongruous with the first part of the song. I'll link the song and let you listen so you can do so without bias before I make my comments. The song is called "First Contact".

http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.p ... st=coxnvox

And here are all the comments from the critique:
"You paint a vivid picture at the top of the song to draw the audience in and you create a solid empathy with the main character. You carry that over well into the 2nd verse (although it is a little hard to believe that he waits through his whole high school career before they get together); however, it feels a little incongruous to transfer the story's point of view to the baby in the last verse. It could have more power to stay with the character that the listener has already developed a relationship with (and it also seems a bit presumptuous to assume what the newborn baby is feeling).

Musically, you sell the emotion well in the chorus melody, but it feels a bit unwieldy at times - a simpler chorus might be more effective.

Kerry - there is a lot about this song that is really strong - your lyric sense is very well defined and you do an excellent job of setting the scenes here. That being said, it feels like this needs just a little bit of tightening up to bring out its commercial potential before forwarding it for this listing."

I felt it would have been easy to make the last chorus about the main character, but very predictable and overall boring. I felt that it was a great twist to show the idea starting over with a newborn. And as far as the "presumption", as the Almighty Narrator, don't we constantly make presumptions about our characters' feelings?

I'd welcome any thoughts.
Thanks,
kc

[DorothyWallace]

can you post the lyrics?

Dorothy
www.taxi.com/dorothywallace

[coxnvox7]

Sure, Dorothy. Thanks for asking. Here they are:

Verse
Shoelaces untied, Louisville slugger dragging behind, His helmet's 3 sizes overgrown
Not a single hit this year, now his hope's slidin' into fear,
Standing at the plate, wishing he was home
Pre-chorus
Pitch in flight, Eyes closed tight, Swingin with all his might,
Crack of wood, Sounds so good, Can't believe he heard
Chorus
First contact and his heart pounds and his feet can barely touch the ground
He reached beyond the walls that held him back
First contact and his heart flies and it's floating in the summer skies.
Though the memories will fade he'll always have
The feeling of first contact.
Verse
Seven summers fly past, he meets a girl in freshman math,
And a friendship starts to grow.
Senior year, one summer night, riverwalk and the moonlight,
He finally knows he's gotta know...
Pre-chorus
Awkward glance, sweaty hands, is romance worth the chance?
Leanin in, breathin in, is this really happenin'?
Chorus
First contact and his heart pounds and his feet can barely touch the ground
He reached beyond the walls that held him back
First contact and his heart flies and it's floating in the summer skies.
Though the memories will fade he'll always have
The feeling of first contact.
Bridge
Pretty soon that moonlight girl becomes his wife
And when he's holding her, he feels the beat of brand new life
Til late one night there's a baby girl looking up at him
And 10 tiny wrinkled fingers are touchin' Daddy's hands...
Chorus
First contact and her heart pounds
And though her tiny feet can't even touch the ground
She's reached beyond the walls that held her back
First contact and her heart flies
And she's floatin' in her daddy's eyes.
Though the memories will fade she'll always have
Like a melody that stays she'll always have
The feeling of first contact.

[DorothyWallace]

KC

I really love this song. I think it's great. Personally, I've decided to give up on trying to write country songs. I've gotten a few custom critiques and they're soooooo particular. Maybe you should try the custom critique so you can get more detailed feedback. This screener's feedback didn't make any sense to me. I suppose you can have the last chorus from the father's point of view.. the first time he holds his baby. But I like it the way it is.

Good luck!
Dorothy

[coxnvox7]

Thanks, Dorothy.
I was talking to an accomplished songwriter who told me once, "Don't change your song based on a critique unless YOU AGREE with it!" I've learned to listen to ALL criticism without getting defensive (well, I've learned that that should be my GOAL...it's not always so easy to do), but I think this is good advice to follow along with listening openly to criticism.
Other people have told me that changing to the baby's viewpoint was the "moment" of this song for them, so I think I'll leave it that way for now. Plus, that's the first real critique I've had of this song, so I'd like to get a few more before I make any major changes.
Thanks for listening.
kc

[brianpeet]

Hi KC,

I've had some pretty frustrating country returns, too (as well as a couple of forwards). The best advice I can give is to wait until you've heard the same thing from more than one reviewer before contemplating major changes.

I think the review was pretty fair. I agree the melody is a bit "unwieldy" at times. Also, the chord progression leading to the chorus limits it's impact. To me, the secondary dominant F#major feels out of place, and the Emajor wants to lead to Amajor before D. That's just me, though...

I think the perspective twist at the end is the song's strongest feature, but I can see the reviewer's point. Perhaps one way to connect the dots would be to have the second V/C talk about "they" - husband and wife. That might make a more gradual transformation. Instead of just "happening", the baby would be the contact they both wanted. Just a thought...

Anyway, great song and good luck!

Brian Peet
http://www.brianpeet.com
http://www.neptonerecording.com

[coxnvox7]

Thanks for the listen and comments, Brian. I thought "unwieldy" was an excellent description of the melody at points...just doesn't have the smooth flow of most of the stuff I'm hearing on the radio. Definitely an area I can seek to improve with each successive song.
I thought coming at the chorus from the E major (I actually had it as a E7 originally, but the 7 isn't really audible on this demo) was different and unique, but maybe not what a country tune is asking for...thanks again for the input.
kc

[Fullertime]

This is actually one of the most "well written" songs I've heard on this forum bro. Great job. Right now I would say it is a "Really Great" song. I think it's a few very simple tweaks away from being a "HIT". Unfortunately the difference between a great song and a Hit Song is very hard to put your finger on.

You paint an amazingly vivid picture and that is extremely important in country music. I just feel like the final line of the hook feels just a little incomplete. Almost maybe a lyrical resolve of sorts. Unfortunately I'm not sure what is missing but seriously man, don't quit on this song! I would bust my butt day and night if I were you to get this thing "perfect" and I truly believe you would have a bonafide "hit" single on your hands.

Good luck

Keep us posted

[glender]

This is a really good song. It's not much different than some of the songs cracking the top 40 these days. It even has cross over potential for A/C and top 100. I could see a few light brush strokes on the lyrics to clean them up a tiny bit but I wouldn't start doing any major surgery. If I had to be real honest I'd say there wasn't enough contrast in the Bridge to make me realize it was a bridge. If I didn't have the lyric sheet I might not have pulled it out on the first pass. I didn't have any problem what so ever with the last verse, I wouldn't change a thing there.

Keep in mind my comments were strictly first listen. I may feel differently if I heard the song 5-10 times. I disagree with a song like this getting returned. I feel it's good enough to start the journey up stream. By the time it gets air play all the necessary tweaks and re-writes would be in place. I believe if a song is 85%-90% complete it should get forwarded. Let the industry pros critique and help you tailor it to a certain artist and style.

Just my opinion, great tune, good luck