My First CCM/Gospel Submittion Gets Returned

[dtrain1234]

Hi everyone,

As some of you may know, I tried to push my luck and submit "Jesus Be Revealed In Me" to a listing asking for praise and worship songs. It was my first submission and of course I get a return. I'm deeply disappointed but I guess it's part of a learning curve. I would love to hear if you agree with what screener #18 gave to me.



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I have currently been listening to the CCM radio lately but I can't seem to compose the music to my lyrics. If anyone would be up to the challenge to make the song 'current sounding' I would greatly appreciate it.

[allends]

Hi everyone,

As some of you may know, I tried to push my luck and submit "Jesus Be Revealed In Me" to a listing asking for praise and worship songs. It was my first submission and of course I get a return. I'm deeply disappointed but I guess it's part of a learning curve. I would love to hear if you agree with what screener #18 gave to me...

Awww Darin... I wish you had happier news for us about your heart-felt song. You know, I was very touched by how sweet the screener was in the comments. I hope that helped at least a little.

The screener's comment regarding repetition was very thoughtful. Your concept for the chorus with the hook being repeated again and again has an old time feeling to it. The alternative that was suggested to you would make it more contemporary for sure. I hope you give the screener's suggestion a try.

I really liked your electric guitar solo - especially that last soaring high note!!!

There are a few production problems to tackle if you want to take this song to the next level. Your acoustic is not in tune as much as we would like and sometimes its rhythm is a bit too far behind the beat (so was the electric guitar, by the way). Also, my ear wishes that this instrument was recorded with a good pair of microphones rather than using its onboard electronics. Your vocal is so soulful and genuine we can really feel the love, man! Really! Even so, maybe a few more takes of your vocal would give you some more moments when your pitch and tone are at their strongest. You could benefit from good pitch correction software - trust me: even wonderful singers can use a touch up here and there.

I'm sorry I can't take the time to let you know my honest reactions as a listener to your entire lyric, but there are times when I think your message comes across as being more important to you than what the song structure can handle gracefully. That's such a hard thing to deal with when you have so much to say! An example of being too rich with words for the cadence of the melody can be found starting at 00:28 when you sing "I dare to dream behind my soul's door". This phrase has one too many syllables IMHO. This line would flow better if you sang instead “I dare to dream behind my door”. I’m sure you can think of something better, but I hope you can at least feel the difference and be inspired give this line a tweak. There are few other places where poetic artistry takes a back seat to your beautiful message but I can’t afford to spend more time on it with you right now.

Please be joyful about what you have achieved so far with this song! I believe you have it in you to transform this lovely song into something even more uplifting. The craft of songwriting is a pleasure to learn more deeply because it always reveals so much about the interplay between the sound of words, their meaning, and their emotional impact on the people who listen.

Thank you for sharing! Go for it!

Peace,
Allen

[t4mh]

Hi Darin!

Sorry you got returned on this but I have to agree with the screener and with Allen's comments. I don't do lyrics but even I can see what the screener is talking about with regard to repetition in the lyrics on the chorus. I would really like to hear this with the acoustic guitar miced up instead of plugged in. I really think the only thing holding this song back is a few production items and those can be fixed. Post it in P2P when you get some of this stuff going your way. I think you can push it over the top!

Good Luck!
Keith