Family Relationships!

[ernstinen]

Hey All,

You're some of my best friends, and I need some advice!

Situation: My sister, Holly, has been estranged from the family for 20 years. She basically blames everyone but herself.

Since my dad is dying, I thought it would be the loving thing to do to find her, and maybe have her connect with our father for possibly the last time. I Googled her, and found out that she's teaching English in CHINA! Wow! Good for her. --- What's not so good is that Holly now is coming back to the U.S., and wants to reconnect with the family, with all the privileges that she gave up when she wrote her "f^+k you" letter to all of us and blew us off. That includes the family cabin in Minnesota, which the other 4 siblings bought her out of financially. Out of sight, out of mind? Noooo!

NOW, she wants to spend a month at the cabin, to "decompress" after her time in China. But, she doesn't own it anymore, and if you look on the VRBO website for waterfront property to rent in N. Minnesota in the middle of the summer, it's a minimum of $1000/wk, and she wants to pay $500 for a whole month. My wife and I don't know what to do, even though we've been helping her through this transition.

My brother said "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" --- There's obviously been some bad feelings about this going around between brothers and sisters, but what to do!?

I'm sure you've all have had family squabbles like this --- any suggestions?

Best Regards,

Ern

[cardell]

Hi Ern,

Let her stay in the cabin for free...of course.

Do you realize what a great movie plot your are sitting on with this story?

Stuart

[ernstinen]

Hi Ern,

Let her stay in the cabin for free...of course.

Do you realize what a great movie plot your are sitting on with this story?

Stuart

LOL! Stuart, you crack me up! (That's American for rolling on the floor with laughter, if you didn't know! ).

Ironically, I've been writing short stories in the past 6 months that "read" like screenplays! Maybe that's my destiny ---

There are a LOT more characters to this story: My Aunt lived next-door in my grandmas cabin, and when Uncle Lenny passed away, she SOLD the property, rather than give it to her son, David. Well, David has been in touch with Holly, and wants to "help her out!" Hmmmmm ---

My brother told my youngest sister that our old Finn friend from up in those north woods, Tom, revealed to him this whole thing with Holly and the cabin. I called Tom (which I do about twice a year), and he SWORE on his mother's grave that he knew NOTHING about this! He didn't even know she was in China coming back to the U.S.!

AND, my step-mom down in Texas gave Holly some websites for other places to rent. WHO told her?

To top it off, the people who bought my aunt's (grandma & grandpa's) property next door bulldozed down all the beautiful birch trees, and essentially tore down the nice home on the property. They told me it was haunted. --- It gives me the creeps!

The plot thickens ---

Ern

[Len911]

Ern, I don't know, I think I'd do whatever put me out less, and whatever was the least stressful, unless of course you need some more drama for those screen plays,lol! I'd just do a lot of compromising and voting. If the cabin was going to actually be rented for $1,000 a week or not carries some weight, and there's no reason she couldn't just stay for a week or so. What would happen if the cabin burned down while she was there? Sounds like everyone just needs to get together and air their feelings. You are suppose to be able to do that with family, and if she blows up and gets mad, who knows maybe she'll blow you off for another 20 years, and maybe she might just apologize. I have a feeling if she came back after 20 years, she must still feel apart of the family.

[ernstinen]

I'd just do a lot of compromising and voting.

Len, that's the crux of the situation. We NORMALLY have a 2 to 2 stalemate on these matters. BUT, my oldest sister and her husband are gone this week on a trip to Bermuda! --- My wife, with her legal mind, says that if the vote happens this week, if someone is out of the country their (my sister's) vote doesn't apply! It's like when the President is out of the country, and it's run by the V.P. She and my brother think they run things, but they don't!

I don't know --- that could cause a lot more problems if we bypass her vote.

Still in a quandry ---

Ern

[orest]

This really sounds like a soap drama show.

I've had some minor things with my family, but nothing like this.
I really can't help or give you any advice.
I hope things settle for the best, my thoughts are with you!

[fret17]

Hey em,,,,Did you ever hear the phrase.."The road to Hell is paved with good intentions?"
If she's burned her bridges 20 years ago and wants to try and rebuild them now...She needs to know that it may be impossible now for some to allow that , and in my opinion, has no say in any family matters since she's not been there to participate in the past with any of your family ups and downs...She's going to have to eat an awful lot of "Humble pie" it sounds to me, and she may not want to do that...Sorry this is happening to ya, but so far she hasn't earned any say in any family matters other than her right to make peace with your Dad ...I lost both my parents last summer and i know what you're going through....Make sure you say everything you need to say to your dad before he leaves em...theres no second chance after he is gone. my thoughts are with you.
Fret17

[feaker66]

Ern

Maybe she turned over a new leaf?

Maybe she wants to go to the cabin to practice fishing and be on the walleye tournament series? (but would she hood up a leech)?

Glad my family is somewhat normal?

No advice pal.

Paul

[mojobone]

They don't have phones or an internet in Bermuda?

[deankripp]

* Tell her that she can absolutely stay at the cabin as long as it is available...

* Let her know without sounding condescending that all is forgiven - bygones are indeed bygones...

* Tell her that you'd even love for her to be an equal partner in the place again...

* Suggest to her that she can start buying herself back into ownership of the cabin with a $4000 deposit...
(the rest of the amount she will owe for her new partnership will be determined and agreed to by the current owners before she spends her decompression month there)

* Also, convey to her - in a loving way - that you are quite positive that she would want to agree to these terms because you know that she has matured and grown beyond any past pettiness and wouldn't want to put any financial strain on the rest of the family members by taking advantage of a summer vacation home...


OR

just let her have the place for a month and say nothing


OR


....knowing that family and domestic feuds are the most touchy and tricky issues of all - I have no idea what you should do --- good luck



dean