"When This World Shakes" clarification

[Tbar]

I received this comment in a review from back in April about my "When This World Shakes" Christian song submission:

'Tracy, I like the overall message of this song. Unfortunately, the hook is not clear, in my opinion. I think you are trying to say, something along the lines of "when something in our world is shaken up." That's different than when this world shakes. It's like you've shortened the phrase hoping the listener will get what you mean. Here's what I tell my coaching clients, "say exactly what you mean."

I was saying exactly what I meant. The song is a Haiti tribute song. I have since cahnged the tiltle to read, "When This World Shakes (Haiti Tribute).

Tracy Barfield

[Tbar]

By the way, here is a link to my YouTube video of the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iD7jfvKu4Zw

[Tbar]

Unbelieveable...I received another review (from the same screener?) that said the following:

"Tracy, You have a good, solid direction on your verses. The chorus is good as well. However, the hook is not truly clear. I think what you mean is when our world is shaken. So, the entire is affected by the hook, as it is the point of the song. The hook not being clear is a big deal. So, next time, check out with friends and family...and listen carefully to their comments. Clarity is what makes a strong hook."

You got to be kidding me. Haven't you folks in California heard of earthquakes? Again, I meant what I said.."WHEN THIS WORLD SHAKES." The presumptuous screener even added the additional comment:

"Thanks for sending this song in for this listing. I can hear the desire to get across your point in this song. I suspect it comes out of personal experience, and is probably why you missed the slight difference in meaning."

And I'm paying for this nonsense?

[Len911]

Tracy, I am beginning to see that the toughest thing to really critique in a song is probably the lyrics. Unlike a scientific paper where language must be precise, lyrics are the art of self expression. There seems to be a fine line sometimes, where changes could compromise and stifle the character and personality of a lyric. For example, Y'all might not be grammatically correct, but it adds a distinctly Texan flavor and character.
I think I would cut the screeners a little slack,lol, because when moving between the figurative and the literal, our brain functions logically. Logically, not many people write about earthquakes in the literal sense. Therefore, if a news company was looking for a song to play while reporting on the earthquake, most likely they would play one that used it in the figurative sense, or "when our world is shaken" as the screener suggested. The screeners' suggestions are helpful imo because they expand the potential of this song to beyond a literal earthquake, and yet the changes don't at all detract from the message imo. On the other hand, if your convictions are steadfast in your phraseology, I wouldn't change it at all, you shouldn't! Feedback is just suggestions, and you should always consider any feedback, but you should never ALWAYS make changes because of it.

[fret17]

Hi Tracy...I have to admit that without going to the video I would have to listen over and over again before I'd get you weren't speaking metaphorically( I think it's because we're all so geared to songs being metaphors)....since I believe it's a topical song anyway, it's limited towards it commercial value...I hate it when somebody totally misses the point and I can relate to your frustration....and although I think it's great as it is, if you really want to nail it with the screener , you'd probably have to change it to "When This Earth Quakes"....which sucks I know....but there would be no doubt as to what you're speaking about.....Only problem is....the screener would probably suggest you change it to "When This World Shakes" because THAT'S a more awsome title.....Nice thoughtful tribute video Tracy...best of luck with the song.

[Tbar]

Thanks for the replies, Len and Fret.

Fret, I had thought about "when this world quakes" originally..but it sounds wrong in my opinion. In addition, I actually liked the idea that the listener could know it was about an actual earthquake (especially if used for a Haiti tribute) and regardless still apply it to his own individual world being shaken. So I am still surprised that the screener would have such a hang up on this. It seems this one is being way too over-thought in stead of just letting the song say what it says.

As far as the limited marketability, I disagree. It was a huge, and terrible event and there were music benefits all over the place for Haiti relief. The people of Haiti will need the help for years to come. In addition, there will be other large and catastrophic earthquates in years to come.

[fret17]

I guess that is what I meant by limited market.....A song strickly for earth quakes...as long as we have them , and the news centers want to use it, I can see it's longevity...but when I think of marketability , I think of many places a song can work not how many times it can work ...still a great song for the topic that I think has a place in tv news.

[Tbar]

Frett, we will have to agree to disagree. Alan Jackson did pretty well singing about a song strictly about 9-11 "when the world stopped turning." People understood what the song was about because it was reported that it was about 9-11. Realisticly, the meaning of songs don't stay strictly within the lyrics. They get communicated and promoted. But regardless, concerning my song...I've had many comments from people that have told me that they related the song to their own specific situation. So even though the hook was written to be literal, many seem to have no problem applying it to their own individual "worlds." I still feel this screener is being pretty ridiculous on this one.

[fret17]

Tbar...I went back to the video to listen again but this time I closed my eyes,,,, and you are absolutely correct....I must have been so moved by the pictures and how they were perfect for the song that it left me nothing else to consider....but I do now agree it could be good for all kinds of personal human loss and marketable in more places than just earth quakes....also on second hearing of the piece I really got into it and realized how well written it is....Keep pitching it....I think it's got a good chance.... I read that Sean Penn is down there personally in Haiti contributing his time in the relief effort.....if you can some how get him to see that video , maybe he might want to use it to help generate more participation and interest by more people to extend a hand in the country's recovery...I think a shot worth taking.....Good Luck ...Great Song!

[Tbar]

Well, thanks...I appreciate your diligent listening! There have been many songs I've written that I pretty much know won't go anywhere, and maybe this one won't either. But this is one of a few I have that I believe strongly in and will keep trying. Thanks again for your ear, it is much appreciated.