"I've Brought You A Kiss", Screener #323

[ottlukk]

1) you're right about the age appropriate comment.
2) you are absolutely incorrect about changing it to the third person. This is a first person song from start to finish, along the same attitude as "Strawberry Wine", but with an older protagonist. Who would sing the third person view? Some condescending male, observing from the heavens? Some other female? What's wrong with the first person here?
3) I'm getting really tired of "conversational lyrics". Do you listen to the radio at all? It's a foreign language, especially in music. You're right about the lyrics. I could change "he asked of me" to "he said to me", and "he did confess" to "he reminisced". Both, more conversational. Unfortunately, I don't have the money laying around to have a fresh demo done.
4) so, I used two "fasts" , repeating a rhyme in the bridge. here it is: (you're the first person ever to notice the two 'fasts', not a compliment)
I showed my soul open, my heart beating fast
why wait for tomorrow, when time goes so fast
I'm hear right now, what more could you a kiss.
You know something? You are so damn busy looking at the leaves on the tree, you forget to look at the tree.
Ott

[Len911]

third person + conversational lyrics= gossip

I guess gossip sells.

I had conversational lyrics once, but the song would have to have been sung in the third person, because any modern day country cowboy would have had to get off a pretty high horse and tarnish their high bar image facade to sing it.

Ott you might have to submit it in the winter, when all the leaves have fallen,lol!

[ottlukk]

Len, thanks for your reply. I'm one vodka over the line this evening. The third line of the bridge should read : "I'm here right now, what more could you ask?"
The reason that this review really ticked me off is that I got a very overwhelming positive response on peer to peer for this tune, and very recently. So I thought I'd pitch it again. It 's also received an "honorable mention" in a songwriting contest. It was professionally demoed by Beaird Music Group in Nashville.
I still really hate the third person suggestion.
Once again, thanks for replying. It's refreshing to kknow, that when you scream at the heavens, someone actually listened.
Ott

[Len911]

Ott, don't beat your self up over this, speaking hypocritically,lol, maybe it's no comfort but statistically, if only one percent in this country bought your song it would be a huge hit. Finding the 1% might be like finding a needle in a haystack, however!

[DorothyWallace]

Ott,

I think it's a beautiful song. I thought you were only supposed to write in the 3rd person if the song was about a loser. I don't get that vibe at all. It sounds very romantic.

Dorothy

[ottlukk]

Dorothy:
Thank you.
Ott