One Jaw-Droppingly Clueless Critique . . . ?

[shoodBworkin]

. . . or is my Viet Nam song really that confusing?


Here's a link to the song:
http://alonetone.com/johnnyfaith/tracks ... canyon.mp3

Here are the lyrics:

GRANDADDY'S GRAND CANYON

Grandaddy's grand canyon was the big old fallen oak tree
Layin at the end of the lane
Grandaddy's grand canyon was the little tiny cars
Goin' by from two hay fields away
Grandaddy's grand canyon was Viet Nam
Yeah, Viet Nam

Grandaddy's grand canyon was the pretty girl who spit in his face
As he got off the plane
Grandaddy's grand canyon was the wise-ass little corporal
Went and throwed himself on the grenade

Sarge said if you don't wanna dance don't go to the prom
Yeah, Viet Nam

How I wish I could have spanned Grandaddy's grand canyon
How I wish I could have spelled him for a while
How I wish I could have taken the hurt from that broken old heart
But that canyon was too big to cross

Grandaddy's grand canyon was the look in mama's eye
As Daddy waited out in the rain
They left him sitting on the porch with the empty whiskey bottle
As my Daddy drove the car down the lane
Grandpa never made the wedding, never left the yard
Grandma said they shouldn't take it so hard
'Cause if you don't wanna dance don't go to the prom
Yeah, Viet Nam

He was just seventeen when he answered the call
He had a long hard climb and a long hard fall
Walkin' weary point that night he never heard the rustling leaves . . .

McNeely fell, then his best friend Paul
And the rest of the night was watching soldiers fall
And sarge said if you don't want to dance don't go to the prom
Yeah, Viet Nam

He'd sit on the porch and just look at the rain
He'd cry in his sleep and I'd feel ashamed
I don't wanna dance, and I don't wanna go to no prom

We buried him down in the little cemetary on the north side of Cady's creek
I stood at the grave, bowed my head and prayed to Jesus that my Grandaddy found him some peace
How I wish I could have spanned Grandaddy's grand canyon
How I wish I could have spelled him for a while
How I wish I could have taken the hurt from that broken old heart
But that canyon was too big to cross

Sometimes I sit on the porch and just look at the rain . . .
Grandaddy's grand canyon was the big old fallen oak tree
Layin' at the end of the lane

* * *

and finally, the critique:

"I was confused, and listeners might be as well, as to what "grand canyon" means. It seems to be a "synonym" for "bad things" that happened to "Grandaddy" but it's never really fleshed out. That might be something you would need to explain or define more somewhere.

I was also confused by "if you don't wanna dance, don't go to the prom--Yeah, Viet Nam". That would probably be something that, if you use it, you would need to give listeners more information about.

You might also think about explaining what "spelled him" means in the Choruses. Again, that's something that unless it's explained, listeners probably won't have a clue what it means.

You may want to also tell listeners more about "the wedding". "Who" was getting married? And "why" was that important information for listeners to know? If you use that in the story line it would probably be a good idea to explain a little more about it."


* * *

Is the song really all that confusing, or is this screener simply a youngster or what? I've gotten lots of returns with hugely helpful critiques, but this one gave me pause. Just wonderin'. Thanks in advance!

[sgs4u]

Is the song really all that confusing,

that's a very BIG FAT YES, it's confusing as all hell to me. Grand Canyon is usually a desirable place to visit, and I only got that this Grand Canyon was a deep dark well of despair. That made the song lyric completely undesirable to me.

or is this screener simply a youngster or what? I've gotten lots of returns with hugely helpful critiques, but this one gave me pause. Just wonderin'. Thanks in advance!

Even if it's a youngster, that doesn't mean the review is wrong. Personally, I think every point in that review is spot on.

A lot of people disagree with screeners, mostly when a song is so close to their heart they can't imagine someone no understanding it.

[Casey H]

I'm with the screener and Steve... The lyrics are very confusing. It seems that the have meaning to you personally but listeners really won't get it. I know I read it a few times and didn't.

Best,
Casey

[shoodBworkin]

Hey, interesting responses, I'll ruminate on 'em. Thank you.

@Steve: I'm curious. When you say "spot on" are you telling me that YOU don't don't have a clue as to what "spelled him" means?

I honestly don't know how to make the "wedding" verse less confusing, so maybe I'll just remove it.
Incidentally, I gave the screener the benefit of the doubt and signed up for another year. You never know when you'll cough up something accessible, eh? lol

Thanks again, guys. CHEERS!

[sgs4u]

Hey, interesting responses, I'll ruminate on 'em. Thank you.

@Steve: I'm curious. When you say "spot on" are you telling me that YOU don't don't have a clue as to what "spelled him" means?

When you go from prom to Viet Nam... it could mean anything. I believe it makes perfect sense to you.

I honestly don't know how to make the "wedding" verse less confusing, so maybe I'll just remove it.
Incidentally, I gave the screener the benefit of the doubt and signed up for another year. You never know when you'll cough up something accessible, eh? lol

Wow, you signed up for another year? I should talk to Michael for a referral chunk of change.
But seriously, pay for the custom critiques once in a while. They are really in-depth, and can help you tons!

Thanks again, guys. CHEERS!

Your most welcome.

[Casey H]

Shood
Glad to see you have the right attitude! We can only get better at this if we keep our minds open to constructive feedback.

Best of luck! And, as Steve mentioned, Taxi custom critiques are awesome. They are a great value at $20. If you order one, think of your list of questions first and make sure you include them. It's also good to be very clear regarding the genre and target (e.g. film/TV, artist cut, etc).

Casey

[guitarhacker]

I'm in agreement on this as well....

I started reading and was totally confused by..... what is this about and what it the Grand Canyon..... aside from actually having been there and seen it...

I stopped reading then said wait... finish it, maybe it gets clearer... sorry ... it didn't. It became more confusing as it went on.

OK so there you have it...BUT.... don't stop there.... you have the seeds in it, on the topic matter and how you say things to have a really interesting introspective song that looks into your grandfather's life. You just gotta figure out WHAT you want to say and HOW you are going to say it so that people UNDERSTAND immediately AND can RELATE to it as well.

Figure that out and you might have a hit song on your hands. Like this song about a Daddys Hands>>>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nX4QVGykIA4 Listening to this..... you and everyone else understands it immediately and can relate...and it's said in a unique way.

[jonathansorensen]

Honestly, I didn't find it as confusing as others did. I understand what it means to "spell" someone, give them a break, take over for them. I also understand that the grand canyon is a gash in the earth, something that had to be crossed but was almost impossible to cross. However, for a really powerful lyric, this image can't be the best one. I love the line, if you don't wanna dance don't go to the prom, yeah vietnam. It sounds so flippant and so like a military drill sergeant who actually loves the death and destruction of war.

However, I totally don't get how the fallen Oak was like the grand canyon. I may need a second read but, remember, listeners won't have the lyrics and they won't be going over it a 2nd time. I also don't get why the tiny cars are a problem. I don't realize that there's something negative going on until you state that Vietnam was the grand canyon. So the first and most important lines aren't clear that these things are huge challenges. The following lines are way better. A little girl spitting in his face? what an image.

Also if the corporal threw himself on a grenade, without more information this sounds heroic. Why is he a wise-ass? I think this is a powerful song and I don't agree that it's as confusing as everyone says but there are a few images in there that need explaining.

In my opinion, I think this is one of those situations where you're really close to a powerful lyric and so feedback becomes more harsh. I've noticed that if you write a simple vague little lyric, people will be encouraging and very soft with the feedback because they think you're an amateur and they want to encourage you. But if your lyric actually engages them and then drops them at important moments people tend to be very direct about how you blew it on a line here and there.

Anyway, I feel like I get it. The sadness of a grandson, the sense of guilt that a grandson might feel relief that he doesn't have to live through what his grandfather lived through but a deep longing to take away his grandfather's pain.

I'd like to see your rewrite on it.

Best,
Jon

[shoodBworkin]

Hey, thanks for weighing in, guitarhacker & jonathansorensen! I appreciate your feedback, and feedback from TAXI screeners as well. The best advice I ever received from TAXI was repeated from their first critique onward, and was thus: Get Jimmy Webb's book and get TAXI'S own book: "Shortcuts To Hit Songwriting" I recently followed that advice, and I'll tell you, these are two awesome resources, and as the TAXI book says (paraphrasing here) If you're writing a song for your own album it's a far different discipline than writing for today's radio market. I've come to discover I'm an album writer and not so much a "hit" songwriter.

That said, I heartily recommend checking both of these books from your local library. They have convinced me that I write songs for my own album and to view the two hundred dollar TAXI re-up fee as a bet with myself that I can get a forward this year (that'll make two yay!) lol. We'll see how it goes. One bit of good news -- my friend sent this track to her Viet Nam veteran acquaintance and his response was way positive. Here's hoping Viet Nam vets will instinctively "get it". It was written for them, after all.

Meanwhile, I'd like to thank you guys again for your input. This is a nice place, TAXI is an attentive, courteous outfit and if a major artist (Sara Evans!? Toby Keith?!) ever records "Grandaddy's Grand Canyon" I'll be sure to post the news here lol. CHEERS to you & God bless y'all!