Contemporay Rockin Country?

[circle41]

I'd love some feedback on this, and comments/recommendations would be greatly appreciated. My singing sucks so I'll have to get real singer at some point. Mostly I'm concerned with the lyrics (too cliche?) and whether or not this song would qualify as contemporary country.
The song is: "Can't wait to See You Again" and you can find it here: http://taxi.com/acousticeel

Thanks in advance,
Jim

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN
[v1]
burnin down the highway
south on 95
been tourin with the band
but i'm headin home tonight
moon is goin down and the
sun is on the rise
i'm tired to the bone but
never been more alive

[chorus]
cause i can't wait to see you again
i been thinkin 'bout this day since my journey began
no i can't wait to see you again
i feel my tempature risen
cause you're out on my horizon
heaven's waitin round the bend
and i can't wait to see you again

[v2]
we been out on the road
hundred-eighty days
i been thinkin bout your face with
every note i play
girls along the way were as
sweet as they could be
but i couldn't take my mind off my
little homecoming queen

[chorus2]
no i can't wait to see you again
i been thinkin 'bout this day since my journey began
no i can't wait to see you again
i feel my tempature risen
see my town on the horizon
heaven's waitin round the bend
and i can't wait to see you again

[solo]

[v3]
by now you're probably waitin
in your cutoff jeans
singin to the top twenty
on the CMT
girl when i get home, got some
catchin up to do
gonna make a little love and
take you fishin too

[chorus3]
no i can't wait to see you again
i been thinkin 'bout this day since my journey began
no i can't wait to see you again
i feel my tempature risen
see my house on the horizon
heaven's waitin round the bend
and i can't wait to see you again

[waltl]

Jim,

I think this is definitely contemporary country. Most of the lyrics are very effective, but a few phrases struck me as cliche. I put them in bold below.

Two suggestions: Verse 3 has terrific writing; it's different from V1 and V2. I would turn it into a bridge, so that your song structure would be the popular V C V C B C.

I notice you change line 5 of each chorus. Contemporary country usually repeats the chorus exactly, though there are exceptions. I would put "cause you're out on my horizon" in the last chorus, so that you go from town to house to you.

[v1]
burnin down the highway
south on 95
been tourin with the band
but i'm headin home tonight
moon is goin down and the
sun is on the rise
i'm tired to the bone but
never been more alive

[chorus]
cause i can't wait to see you again
i been thinkin 'bout this day since my journey began
no i can't wait to see you again
i feel my tempature risen
cause you're out on my horizon
heaven's waitin round the bend
and i can't wait to see you again

[v2]
we been out on the road
hundred-eighty days
i been thinkin bout your face with
every note i play
girls along the way were as
sweet as they could be
but i couldn't take my mind off my
little homecoming queen

[chorus2]
no i can't wait to see you again
i been thinkin 'bout this day since my journey began
no i can't wait to see you again
i feel my tempature risen
see my town on the horizon
heaven's waitin round the bend
and i can't wait to see you again

[solo]

[v3]
by now you're probably waitin
in your cutoff jeans
singin to the top twenty
on the CMT
girl when i get home, got some
catchin up to do
gonna make a little love and
take you fishin too

[chorus3]
no i can't wait to see you again
i been thinkin 'bout this day since my journey began
no i can't wait to see you again
i feel my tempature risen
see my house on the horizon
heaven's waitin round the bend
and i can't wait to see you again

If you have a chance, check out my song "Aint Stupid Enough." It's on page 2 of this forum.

Walt

[circle41]

Walt,
I really like the idea of going from town, to the house and then to you. That's way better than my way. Damn, now I'm going to have to give you 30% (change a word, get a third, right?). I knew "tired to the bone" was cliche hoped I could get away with it for some reason. I also considered "tired as a stone" instead. What do you think of that line? I wanted to convey that I've been up all night (obviously). Do you think I should drop the whole "homecoming queen" bit as well? I thought about talking about life on the road instead with references to cigarettes, caffeine, truck stops, hotel rooms, vending machines, etc. Thanks again for the great suggestions. I'll experiment with the bridge idea, and will listen to your song too
Thanks again,
Jim

[glender]

I'm with Walt 100%. When I got to verse three my "Modern Country Mind" was saying add bridge here to mix things up a bit and keep it interesting. I'm with Walt on keeping the chorus the same too. I think it holds the song together a little better.

I think you have a fun "Country Rock" Road Song in the making. Nice guitar work!

good luck

[dtrain1234]

Your singing is not THAT bad, don't put yourself down. Yes, I do think this would be a nice country rock tune. Nice guitar playing!

[circle41]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'll work on a version with a bridge, and will go ahead and make the chorus the same everytime too. Again, thanks for the feedback, and I'll re-post when I get it done....
Jim

[circle41]

Hey all. Based on your comments I made some changes, and have uploaded the latest version. I shortened the original 3rd verse, and made it into a bridge. Also have a friend with a much stronger voice singing it this time. Again, the song is "Can't wait To See You Again"

http://taxi.com/acousticeel

Thanks,
Jim

[bwd]

Hi Walt. Nice intro riff that reminds a little of the Stones. Great guitar playing throughout. I’d only offer one suggestion – when it gets to “temperature rising” in the chorus, I’d go for a chord sequence that lifts and lifts - building up the tension - until the release of the last line. Cheers, Doug

[circle41]

Thanks Doug. I'll see what else I can do with it. Much appreciated....
Jim

[waltl]

Jim,

Sounds really good. I really like what you did with the bridge, both the words and music.

Walt