Walk on the Tide (Originally Troubled Waters)

[Lumley]

6/8/11 I've posted a re-written version with a new hook. I've never been good with hooks but I think this one works as I'm singing but it feels weird saying it as the titled. Any thoughts?

Weather the Tide
copyright 2011 Words and music by Lee Lumley

re-write #4 New hook/title "Walk on the Tide"
Too angry to run
And too scared to fight
Standing here helpless
As passion ignites
Chaos has battered the peace that once was dear

Can't find the strength
To scream at the sky
And there's not a tear left
To break down and cry
Defeat hangs over like an impending doom

But I'll stand on the promises that you have made
And wait for your words to bring peace in this place
Remember the storms you've brought me through
And step out onto raging waters

To walk on the tide
In your loving arms
As you sing over me calming my heart
I'll not look away
Though the waters may pound
I'll trust you to keep me and not let me drown
Though sorrow may threaten my life
Here by your side I'll walk on the tide

Faith may be tested
Courage drawn thin
But I'll look to you to give strength once again
If I start sinking
because my mind gives in to doubt
I'll trust you to pull me out


(Instrumental break)


To walk on the tide
In your loving arms
As you sing over me calming my heart
I'll not look away
Though the waters may pound
I'll trust you to keep me and not let me drown
Though sorrow may threaten my life
Here by your side I'll walk on the tide

re-write #3

Too angry to run
And too scared to fight
Standing here helpless
As passion ignites
Chaos has battered the peace that once was dear

I Can't find the strength
To scream at the sky
And there's not a tear left
To break down and cry
Defeat hangs over like an impending doom

But I'll stand on the promises that you have made
And wait for your words to bring peace in this place
Remember the storms you've brought me through
And step out onto raging waters

To weather the storm
In your loving arms
As you sing over me calming my heart
I'll not look away
Though the waters may pound
I'll trust you to keep me and not let me drown
Though sorrow may threaten my life
Here in your arms I'll weather the tide

Faith may be tested
Courage drawn thin
But I'll look to you to give strength once again
If I start sinking
because my mind gives in to doubt
I'll trust you to pull me out


(Instrumental break)


To weather the storm
In your loving arms
As you sing over me calming my heart
I'll not look away
Though the waters may pound
I'll trust you to keep me and not let me drown
Though trouble may threaten my life
Here in your arms I'll weather the tide





re-write:
Too angry to run
And too scared to fight
I'm standing here helpless
As passion ignites
Chaos has battered the peace I once held dear

I can't find the strength
To scream at the sky
And there's not a tear left
To break down and cry
I feel in my bones control slipping away

But I'll stand on the promises that you have made
And wait for your words to bring peace in this place
Remember the storms that you've brought me through
And I'll step out onto raging waters with you

I'll weather the storm
In your loving arms
As you sing over me
Calming my heart
I'll not look away
Though the waters may pound
I'll trust you to keep me and not let me drown
In these troubled waters I'll find
Peace in the storm and rest for the night

Faith may be tested
Courage drawn thin
But I'll look to you to give strength once again
If I start sinking
because my mind gives in to doubt
I'll trust you to pull out


Verse
I'm too angry to run
I'm too scared to fight
I'm standing here lifeless
Surrounded by night
The darkness has blinded the faith I once held dear

I can't find the strength
To scream at the sky
And there's not a tear left
To break down and cry
I feel in my bones my life is fading away

Build
But I'll stand on the promises that you have made
I'll wait for your words to bring peace in this place
Remember the storms you've seen me through
And I'll step out onto raging waters with you

Chorus
And I'll weather the storm
In your loving arms
As you sing over me
Calming my heart
I'll not look away
Though the waters may pound
I'll trust you to keep me and not let me drown
In these troubled waters I'll find
Peace in the storm and rest for the night

Bridge
Faith may be tested
Courage drawn thin
But I'll look to you to give strength once again
If I start sinking
because my mind gives in to doubt
I'll trust you to pull out

[mikeShort]

Troubled Waters
copyright 2011 Words and music by Lee Lumley

Verse
I'm too angry to run
I'm too scared to fight
I'm standing here lifeless

... "Lifeless" seems to contradict "angry." Would "helpless" be better?

Surrounded by night
The darkness has blinded the faith I once held dear

... I would worry that this line would derail your listeners. I can't quite get what you mean. What faith? Or faith in what? And what about it made you hold it dear? What I mean by derail is this: If a line is too obtuse, the listeners spend cycles trying to understand it, and then miss the next two to four lines completely, and when they reach that point, they're lost for good.

I can't find the strength
To scream at the sky
And there's not a tear left
To break down and cry
I feel in my bones my life is fading away

... I have the same issue with this line: anger to me seems motivating, and the idea that life is fading away doesn't seem to fit. (And I love first two lines, so I wouldn't want to change them!)

Build
But I'll stand on the promises that you have made
I'll wait for your words to bring peace in this place
Remember the storms you've seen me through
And I'll step out onto raging waters with you

Chorus
And I'll weather the storm
In your loving arms
As you sing over me
Calming my heart
I'll not look away

... Seems awkward. Maybe: I won't look away

Though the waters may pound
I'll trust you to keep me and not let me drown
In these troubled waters I'll find
Peace in the storm and rest for the night

... Now I'm being picky. I think you mean that you'll find peace and rest in "your loving arms." So I'm thinking that something along the lines (and this doesn't scan): Despite the troubled waters I'll find peace.

Bridge
Faith may be tested
Courage drawn thin
But I'll look to you to give strength once again
If I start sinking
because my mind gives in to doubt
I'll trust you to pull out

Food for thought, no? Keep writing.

[Lumley]

Thanks for the critique Mike! You made a several great points. I've posted a re-write based off of what you said. I'm still working on a better last line for the chorus.

[mikeShort]

I do like version two better. I thought the build worked much better in the second version ... even though the words are the same. That suggests to me that you've got a better setup.

[Lumley]

I've posted a re-written version with a new hook. I've never been good with hooks but I think this one works as I'm singing but it feels weird saying it as the titled. Any thoughts?

[mikeShort]

Lee-
I think this is much better, but I think there is an issue with the chorus. First you weather the storm, then you weather the tide. I think you should settle on one (I'd pick storm over tide, since it's weather ... If you settle on tide, you may need yet another verb!)
"Weather the storm" is a bit of a cliche, but I think you can get away with it because it fits the rest of the imagery, which is strong. I like Raging Waters, but it only appears once in your song (although it is in a power position). I'm not sure it will have that "immediately comes to mind" thing that the commercial machine is looking for.
The whole thing holds together much, much better than the first go 'round.

[Lumley]

Thanks again Mike! Once again you've got some great points. I've posted another re-write and changed "Weather the tide" to "Walk on the Tide". I think this sounds better as a title and it actually fits more with the story of Peter walking on the water from the Bible which is where inspiration for the last line in the pre-chorus "step out onto raging waters" came from.

Let me know what you think.

Thanks!

[mikeShort]

Ooo! I like that a lot.