Falling

[geneticagony]

Hi Guys, this is a lyric I´ve been working on, and given that english is not my first language, is most likely that I have grammatical errors feel free to correct me


Falling

When was the last time you gave in?
Was it all in vain?
Did you know that you were sick?
Of course you did
But Tonight I will be free

'Cause I'm falling and, I keep on rolling on
Why can't you just pretend?
'Cause I'm falling and, I keep on rolling on
Words just cannot express

Undone in my own room
Sold and finished by the truth
Did you see that you were me?
Of course you did
But tonight this is the end

'Cause I'm falling and, I keep on rolling on
Why can't you just pretend?

Is this the last time you said you would?
'Cause now I fall from grace
You don't look like yourself tonight
You don't

Is this the end?
Is this my time?

'Cause I'm falling and, I keep on rolling on
Why can't you just pretend?
'Cause I'm falling
'Cause I'm falling
Is this the last time you said you would?
'Cause I've been wasting my time
You don't look like yourself tonight
You don't

[simonsays]

Hi Guys, this is a lyric I´ve been working on, and given that english is not my first language, is most likely that I have grammatical errors feel free to correct me


Falling

When was the last time you gave in? ( To what? doubt?)
Was (it) all in vain? (what it? the pain?)
Did you know that you were sick?
Of course you did ( This line seems forced to me. That is, there ... just for the purpose of rhyme)
(But) Tonight I will be free (why the 'but' there? did the other person kill him or her self ? and now it's your turn?)

'Cause I'm falling and, I keep on rolling on
Why can't you just pretend? (ok, did I misinterpret this? Is the other person still alive?)
'Cause I'm falling and, I keep on rolling on
Words just cannot express (express what? your loneliness?)

Undone in my own room (my first thought was this was a suicide reference)
Sold and finished by the truth ( ok, now I'm thinking the other person was caught cheating)
Did you see that you were me? ( cheating like the singer did?)
Of course you did
But tonight this is the end (end how? of what?, again ... is it a murder? suicide? both?)

'Cause I'm falling and, I keep on rolling on
Why can't you just pretend? (pretend what?)

Is this the last time you said you would? (would what? I'm truly clueless here!)
'Cause now I fall from grace (murder? suicide? both?)
You don't look like yourself tonight (Is this supposed to refer to the specter of death coming for him/her?)
You don't

Is this the end?
Is this my time?

'Cause I'm falling and, I keep on rolling on
Why can't you just pretend?
'Cause I'm falling
'Cause I'm falling
Is this the last time you said you would?
'Cause I've been wasting my time
You don't look like yourself tonight
You don't

Hi geneticagony,

I tend to give critical critiques. If I seem harsh, please remember that this is only one opinion. Also, many of these questions might not have occurred to me, if I heard this at singing speed with music included, instead of reading it like a book.

The problem I had with these lyrics was not grammatical. It was in the back-to-back unanswered questions. Even at a leisurely pace reading this, I had to stop repeatedly and try to figure out what you were saying, and where you were going with this piece. Adding in some more detail, by finishing off your questions, would be nice. Answering them lyrically, might be better.

Sincerely, Steve (aka, simonsays)

[Nick2012]

Verse 1 and verse 2 are very clever, unique and awesome. I love the structure and they really speak to me. Quite sophisticated. I don't like the chorus nearly as much though. It seems cliché and dated. The chorus does not do the verses justice. Of course this is just one man's humble opinion. Maybe if I heard these lyrics in a musical context I'd feel differently.

Nick

[simonsays]

Verse 1 and verse 2 are very clever, unique and awesome. I love the structure and they really speak to me. Quite sophisticated. I don't like the chorus nearly as much though. It seems cliché and dated. The chorus does not do the verses justice. Of course this is just one man's humble opinion. Maybe if I heard these lyrics in a musical context I'd feel differently.

Nick

Hi Nick,

I'm glad someone else added some feedback here. Nick, you said the verses spoke to you. Were you referring to emotion, or informational content there? ( Ok, I just had a Bruce Lee, Enter The dragon, moment ! "I said emotional content ... not anger!") (sorry folks ... some times ... my imagination ... just runs free ... I'll try to rein it in. )

Nick, what do you think is happening in the song's story lines?(aka, the verses) If the verses were reversed, I think I would get a (he or she) cheated and now were breaking up type vibe. Well, at least until the outro ... where it sounds to me more like the singer is about to off himself.

Steve

[Nick2012]

Steve,
He's looking in a mirror and having a conversation with himself. He's bipolar, schizophrenic, or possibly an addict, and is contemplating suicide. That's what the lyric conveys to me, on an almost subconscious level. My interpretation may be totally different from geneticagony's intended message, but that really doesn't matter. If a lyric touches me, I feel it has good potential.

Geneticagony,
I'm going to change some of what I said before. I'm liking the chorus a little more now. But I think I would change "keep on rolling on" to something else. It's that little bit that feels cliché and dated to me.

Nick

[simonsays]

Steve,
He's looking in a mirror and having a conversation with himself. He's bipolar, schizophrenic, or possibly an addict, and is contemplating suicide. That's what the lyric conveys to me, on an almost subconscious level. My interpretation may be totally different from geneticagony's intended message, but that really doesn't matter. If a lyric touches me, I feel it has good potential.

Geneticagony,
I'm going to change some of what I said before. I'm liking the chorus a little more now. But I think I would change "keep on rolling on" to something else. It's that little bit that feels cliché and dated to me.

Nick

Nick,

Ok, It's emotional ... check ... I get it.
Music tends to strike me in that way. But with me being the analytical type -- words must convey a meaning, a story, and/or a picture. (or at the very least, some intent I can fathom -- like humor )

Nick, as a critiquer ... I'm mainly here for the writer. I'm not here to try and invalidate any feelings or thoughts these lyrics might have invoked in you! But I feel that geneticagony might have an intended message in his lyrics ... and to him at least, it might matter whether or not that message is being received in the way he intended.(maybe I'm wrong? maybe this is just meant to be a "lucy in the sky with diamonds" nonsensical kind of thing) (and yeah, I'm aware of the LSD interpretation for that)

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there was nothing in this (lyric wise) that I liked! These two lines I found particularly sweet:

Undone in my own room
Sold and finished by the truth

Steve

[Nick2012]

I found...

"You don't look like yourself tonight
You don't"

...pretty poignant. The reply "Of course you did" to the questions in the verses is also pretty strong to me. Of course the power I feel in these lines is in the context of him talking to himself. If I'm correct that he meant to convey a self-conversation, then the lyric is spot on and needs little in the way of tweaking. But if there is supposed to be someone in the room with him (and the writer wants that fact to be clear) some rewording may be in order.

It would be nice if someone would speak up about now : )

Steve, as always, I enjoy reading your input and I would NEVER interpret anything you've said as dissing my opinions.

Nick

[Nick2012]

Dag Steve, I just noticed something. He posted those lyrics back in July and his post count is still 1. Doubtful he'll be reading this anytime soon. So what's the deal? Did you get bored with the lack of new posts and decided to look through the older posts? Ya gotta warn me next time

Then again, old or not, I guess any discussion about lyrics has it's merits. It's just that we may never get confirmation from him that MY interpretation was 100% correct

Nick

[simonsays]

Dag Steve, I just noticed something. He posted those lyrics back in July and his post count is still 1. Doubtful he'll be reading this anytime soon. So what's the deal? Did you get bored with the lack of new posts and decided to look through the older posts? Ya gotta warn me next time

Then again, old or not, I guess any discussion about lyrics has it's merits. It's just that we may never get confirmation from him that MY interpretation was 100% correct

Nick

"Steve, as always, I enjoy reading your input and I would NEVER interpret anything you've said as dissing my opinions."

Nick,

I'm glad you feel that way. I tend to be direct, and I'm afraid my friendly teasing sometimes gets misinterpreted as a lack of respect. That has never been my intention.
No, I didn't get bored with the lack of posts. I guess it was just simple empathy. Nearly two months is a long time to wait for an asked for reply! I also have several songs on different forums, that have garnered no reply. So, I decided to go back and find a post with no replies, and apply myself.

Nick, I believe a PM might still reach geneticagony, since it connects directly to a poster's private e-mail account. So ... shall I PM him?, or would you like the honor?

Steve

[geneticagony]

Hi Guys, thank you so much for all the feedback, it´s been really helpfull

I´m sorry it took this long to answers but i´ve been busy with other things

I´m posting a link so you guys hear the song, this is a rough demo.

Thanks a lot!

http://soundcloud.com/geneticagony/falling