Removed will re-submit at a later date

[majorshadow21]

This song had to return to the intensive care unit, for repair. It's in a critical but stable condition.

[sedge]

Hi Major Shadow, you sound like your enjoying what you do.

help I could suggest, having a look at a more defined melody, it did feel a little like it was half sang and half read.

Learning the words off by heart and not singing as you read will help in bringing it more towards a 'song' - flow verse to chorus and such because you will notice were block parts are in the lyrics. By Blocking Parts I mean were a line has more syllables than the melody can take ( before it becomes a different melody), causing the songs melody flow to be 'blocked' / stopped. Where we lose the listener.

It could be you have many song (meaning mostly melody) ideas in this one , learning words off by heart is the first step to picking one melody you like and sticking with it, then lyric changes will flow naturally as they are highlighted as not "fitting" - I hear that is referred to here on the forums as 'phrasing'.

Putting in the work in to learn it off by heart is something I feel personally all songs need to go through before recording, but it should be easy/come naturally, if it is hardwork to achieve singing from memory, then we have a huge indication that something needs work. If the melody and words are hard to stick in our head as the writers, it is likely impossible they will stick in the head of the listener


That's all, of course, if it is a traditional idea of a song with verses/chorus that you are going for.

Hope I helped

Sedge

[majorshadow21]

Thank You

I cherish and need the hones feedback TAXI provides; no matter how brutal. It's the only way we can improve. Thank you. It's helps a lot.!!!


Back to the drawing board.

Thank you.

[sedge]

I just made an edit as one of my points I thought read a little confusing, referring to the part about if it is hard to learn it off by heart.

I cherish and need the hones feedback TAXI provides

I am not anything officially Taxi so only take on my thoughts if they ring true, just a member here the same as you / learning and stuff.

No doubt other members will add more thoughts too.

Nowhere am I saying/thinking the work is bad/wrong (to me) at all , of course, just what I hear around it needing the time to take those words now to a structure.

Like I say, just my ears/thoughts is all here